This one is going to be horribly unstructured... which coming from me says a lot.
As we approach black Friday, I ask that we keep a few things in mind that we forget so often. I want us to remember that each person there, customer or cashier, is a human being. They have laughed, they have cried. Many have loved, many have lost. They each have their own hopes and dreams, fears and regrets. I've noticed that people who never have anything mean to say will go ballistic on employees of stores they go to. Why? Because people think employees who work in customer service can't do anything about it. It's a power thing. They make demands or have little demeaning comments about these poor employees because if the employee stands up for themselves, they will have angered a customer and will get fired. This mentality is basically like running a foot race against someone in a coma, you do it because you know you'll win.
Lately an old adversary has come back in to my life. He was kind of a rival for the affections of a woman I used to date, but he threw away his chance and since that day, we've been at odds. The stupid thing about the whole situation is that I'm not even with her anymore. I wondered if he recognized me, or if the drugs had completely rotted his brain, but I'm beginning to think he does. He seems to delight in dropping in and trying to cause some kind of chaos in my store. Last time he came in talking to the person he was with about his ex... I apparently have more willpower than I realized... in fact, if she and I were still dating, I'd have lost it. Whether or not he recognizes me, he seems to delight in bringing hell into my store... just don't fuck with my staff... it won't end well for you.
People like this deserve a special place in hell. They fail to see other people as... well... people. They judge those around them, yet do not know their story at all. Hell some people think I'm some kind of stupid idiot because I don't have a bachelor's. Ummm... for that logic to work out, You'd basically have to say you were simply adequate. Nothing special there. Moron. But we only see our own little insignificant world. We don't see the meta picture. We don't see how our lives collide and intersect with one another. Random occurrences that save lives. In the last year I've been blessed with apparently twice saving someone. One time, it was a mistaken phone number, and through texts, I managed to make someone feel worthwhile enough to live on for a little while longer. Another time I had a customer come up and tell me something truly remarkable.
I pride myself in knowing my customers. My dedicated regulars are some of the only social interaction I get. I love seeing most of them. I take a great deal of pride in having their brand of cigarette or can of chew sitting next to my register before they get to me. I had one come in and told me that she had just received a promotion at her new job after only having been there for 9 months and it was because of me. When I asked what she was talking about she told me this: About a year ago, she was not doing well. Her fiance had been cheating on her, she had gotten fired, and a string of bad luck made her feel invisible. Then she came in for some much needed cigarettes and I had her brand ready for her. She said when she asked me how I knew, I told her that she's my customer and that made it important. So she refused to give up and didn't move in with her parents, and now things look up.
We don't realize how big or small our impact may be on someone. Encounters I've had with people the past few days and the loss of 4 people in my life (I'm sure many of you are aware of some of them), plus this recent news of a local death that really hits hard after all this... It's made me reevaluate who I am. I've been exercising regularly, and I've done pretty good. I have tried to give up energy drinks (although I did have a relapse this weekend, SORRY). I have been altering my image, getting more professional clothes, a hair cut, and I'll probably bring back the clean shaven look. I got a new coat this weekend. It's a much dressier coat than my old leather one... and I just feel empowered when I wear it. I feel like I matter. I'm working hard to move in to my house mainly so I can come home to my cats again. People wonder why I'm so fond of those three little hair balls, well... despite almost all of my friendships failing, Nearly all my romances ending with betrayal, it's nice to have something there that you know enjoys you being there all the time, every time. I've started reading my philosophy and ethics books again. Started reading my church history and studies on the Bible again. I have brought out my old music books and started analyzing them, Even started writing a little music again. Heck, I've also looked through my old physics books. Why am I doing these things?
I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. People say I'm doing this to increase my odds of meeting someone. Hey if that happens, cool bonus, but the fact of the matter is, I want to matter more to myself. I sold my soul to Casey's. I want it back and I'm not settling until I've won it back and made it the best.
I am but a lone speck in the universe, but I will be the best speck I can!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Before the Dawn
This past week was awful. Between the deer and my aunt dying and then a bunch of shit happening at work, I was done. I was even planning on getting completely hammered Friday night. However... I didn't. Drinking isn't me anymore... it really wasn't me before. I wound up just taking a nap and then doing some drawing and talked to some friends. I am also very glad I didn't drink any alcohol this weekend... I found out that my aunt's death was due to a drunk driver on the wrong side of the interstate going 80 mph.
I've always had a high level of dislike for people who are too stupid to make plans when they go out drinking to have a driver or a cab or something. Now it's turned to outright hate. If I ever hear that you've driven drunk... I don't think you'll recover from how much respect you'll lose from me.
One thing happened this past week though. My insomnia went away. I was talking to my two best friends late last week and the next night... poof I slept... a lot. My depression and stress don't control me anymore. They helped me through that. How? They know me. Now I had a lot of friends offer their time if I needed to talk to someone. I appreciate the offer but... I needed to go with people that knew me front and back. I have several friends who think they know me well, but they really don't. Some think I have a major problem with confrontation (even telling my staff that... who quickly learned differently). Some think I absolutely hate dogs... No I just don't have enough experience to effectively take care of one by myself, I know how cats think, I've been around them my whole life. If you can't get the basic stuff right, then you'll never understand me well enough for me to confide in you.
My best friends, especially these two in particular have known me for years. Both instances, it's almost blind luck that brought us into each others' lives. I went to college with one, we were both in the trombone section (I also met another best friend in that section... cool). We hardly ever talked while we were in school. It wasn't until she transferred out that we started talking. I got bored and wanted someone to talk to and she was online at the time so I figured, why not. Thus was born one of the strongest friendships I've known.
As for the other trombone player, that friendship went through hell and had to be completely torn down and rebuilt, I mention this because that's the exact same thing that happened to the other friend I talked to last week.
She's actually my ex. While I try to remain friends with my previous girlfriends... it's really only worked once before, and one is still trying to make it work now... we'll see. But when she and I first met, it was through work, and we just started talking and just clicked. We had fun working together, we joked around while she was away visiting family for the holidays, and we spent a whole day just sitting in my van talking simply because we had nowhere else we really wanted to be. We started dating not long after that and in reality... It was probably one of the better relationships I've had at first. We had lots of good times together. Well when things happened here that made her have to decide if she should remain or go back to be with her family, I knew the only option was to let her go. It would mostly likely end the relationship, but sometimes you've got to let the bird out of the cage... their feathers are just too bright. What happened between when we made the decision and when she left caused a lot of pain. Left huge gaping wounds... I was completely demolished over it. I didn't think we'd recover, no matter how forgiving I was...
Yet here we are. We both took the time to let each other breathe for a bit. We came back and started talking again... and we've finally rebuilt that friendship to the level it was before we started dating. Ironically, the first friend I talked about was very helpful in pushing me to try this 2nd one out again.
Why am I writing this blog? One, because I want it in writing explaining how much these people mean to me. Two. I want people to realize why my attitude towards drinking and driving might seem... strict. and Three: because this goes to say, no matter what you're going through, if you have people in your life who will truly sacrifice for you, you'll make it through every dark chapter. Even when it seems hopeless, like the darkness will never go away. People who care and love you... they'll help you get through the darkest parts just before the dawn.
I've always had a high level of dislike for people who are too stupid to make plans when they go out drinking to have a driver or a cab or something. Now it's turned to outright hate. If I ever hear that you've driven drunk... I don't think you'll recover from how much respect you'll lose from me.
One thing happened this past week though. My insomnia went away. I was talking to my two best friends late last week and the next night... poof I slept... a lot. My depression and stress don't control me anymore. They helped me through that. How? They know me. Now I had a lot of friends offer their time if I needed to talk to someone. I appreciate the offer but... I needed to go with people that knew me front and back. I have several friends who think they know me well, but they really don't. Some think I have a major problem with confrontation (even telling my staff that... who quickly learned differently). Some think I absolutely hate dogs... No I just don't have enough experience to effectively take care of one by myself, I know how cats think, I've been around them my whole life. If you can't get the basic stuff right, then you'll never understand me well enough for me to confide in you.
My best friends, especially these two in particular have known me for years. Both instances, it's almost blind luck that brought us into each others' lives. I went to college with one, we were both in the trombone section (I also met another best friend in that section... cool). We hardly ever talked while we were in school. It wasn't until she transferred out that we started talking. I got bored and wanted someone to talk to and she was online at the time so I figured, why not. Thus was born one of the strongest friendships I've known.
As for the other trombone player, that friendship went through hell and had to be completely torn down and rebuilt, I mention this because that's the exact same thing that happened to the other friend I talked to last week.
She's actually my ex. While I try to remain friends with my previous girlfriends... it's really only worked once before, and one is still trying to make it work now... we'll see. But when she and I first met, it was through work, and we just started talking and just clicked. We had fun working together, we joked around while she was away visiting family for the holidays, and we spent a whole day just sitting in my van talking simply because we had nowhere else we really wanted to be. We started dating not long after that and in reality... It was probably one of the better relationships I've had at first. We had lots of good times together. Well when things happened here that made her have to decide if she should remain or go back to be with her family, I knew the only option was to let her go. It would mostly likely end the relationship, but sometimes you've got to let the bird out of the cage... their feathers are just too bright. What happened between when we made the decision and when she left caused a lot of pain. Left huge gaping wounds... I was completely demolished over it. I didn't think we'd recover, no matter how forgiving I was...
Yet here we are. We both took the time to let each other breathe for a bit. We came back and started talking again... and we've finally rebuilt that friendship to the level it was before we started dating. Ironically, the first friend I talked about was very helpful in pushing me to try this 2nd one out again.
Why am I writing this blog? One, because I want it in writing explaining how much these people mean to me. Two. I want people to realize why my attitude towards drinking and driving might seem... strict. and Three: because this goes to say, no matter what you're going through, if you have people in your life who will truly sacrifice for you, you'll make it through every dark chapter. Even when it seems hopeless, like the darkness will never go away. People who care and love you... they'll help you get through the darkest parts just before the dawn.
Monday, November 3, 2014
I'm Through
I'm always tired now. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always low functioning. I have a ghost of a life. I have no close friends within reach anymore. I have most in Sioux City, a few down around Ames and Des Moines, and one way over in Colorado. Other people try to be my close friends, but they've dropped the ball so many times I just stop trying. I don't trust easily, and once that trust is lost I'll never trust you the same way again. That includes reading this blog and thinking you know what I think and feel, and then telling someone things about how I feel... and you're so far off the mark it's not even funny. That's right, I know who you are and what you did.
I hit a deer yesterday. Completely tore up the front portion of my van... which is now most likely totaled. I mean I'm 99.99% sure it's dead. Then in the same day, I find out my aunt was in a head on collision and died. I haven't seen her in years... and the reason why sickens me.
Casey's
Now to be fair, it's also kind of her fault when she injured herself and couldn't make it to the most recent family reunion (the one I actually got time off to attend). But the one last year? I just took over my store and didn't feel it was appropriate to go on vacation so suddenly. The two family weddings we had the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, these two employees walked out and we just fired your girlfriend, and you're the only other one who knows how to make donuts besides me, and I can't work because I'm salary." (side note, I would NEVER do this to one of my employees). The family holiday celebration the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, this employee already asked for that day off and even though I have twice the employees I should and you're only part time right now, I can't have two employees ask for the same day off, and just to make sure, I'll make you work while four other employees don't work the same period you wanted off... and are begging for hours" That is until I asked them.
I've sold my soul to the devil. I gave up things I loved and cherished for this company... and now I want them back. How am I repayed for these sacrifices? Them doing exactly what they promised me they wouldn't. I'm now hearing from the city that they bought the cow palace and are planning a new Casey's there. I see the writing on the wall. They're about to stab me in the back. Well now... before I was simply keeping an ear out for new business opportunities... starting today I am actively looking. I have a town with people who know me for me, who understand what you've done to me. We are fucking people, not some pawns in your little game of corporate chess.
I'm seeing a change in myself. I can go one of two ways. I'll either take the cold hearted, evil approach (which will not spell well for my staff) or I will tke the approach of running away from this company and getting my life and soul back. Which one do you think I'll take? I'll give you a hint, as long as I'm with Casey's... things are not going to be bright...
Life is too short to live like this. Too many times I've tried to help everyone else, and it never work for me. I'm sick of burning my soul for people who only want to watch me burn. I am done with it. I'm done handing my fragile heart to women with butterfingers. I'm sick of always being there for people who are never there for me.
Fuck you all.
I hit a deer yesterday. Completely tore up the front portion of my van... which is now most likely totaled. I mean I'm 99.99% sure it's dead. Then in the same day, I find out my aunt was in a head on collision and died. I haven't seen her in years... and the reason why sickens me.
Casey's
Now to be fair, it's also kind of her fault when she injured herself and couldn't make it to the most recent family reunion (the one I actually got time off to attend). But the one last year? I just took over my store and didn't feel it was appropriate to go on vacation so suddenly. The two family weddings we had the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, these two employees walked out and we just fired your girlfriend, and you're the only other one who knows how to make donuts besides me, and I can't work because I'm salary." (side note, I would NEVER do this to one of my employees). The family holiday celebration the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, this employee already asked for that day off and even though I have twice the employees I should and you're only part time right now, I can't have two employees ask for the same day off, and just to make sure, I'll make you work while four other employees don't work the same period you wanted off... and are begging for hours" That is until I asked them.
I've sold my soul to the devil. I gave up things I loved and cherished for this company... and now I want them back. How am I repayed for these sacrifices? Them doing exactly what they promised me they wouldn't. I'm now hearing from the city that they bought the cow palace and are planning a new Casey's there. I see the writing on the wall. They're about to stab me in the back. Well now... before I was simply keeping an ear out for new business opportunities... starting today I am actively looking. I have a town with people who know me for me, who understand what you've done to me. We are fucking people, not some pawns in your little game of corporate chess.
I'm seeing a change in myself. I can go one of two ways. I'll either take the cold hearted, evil approach (which will not spell well for my staff) or I will tke the approach of running away from this company and getting my life and soul back. Which one do you think I'll take? I'll give you a hint, as long as I'm with Casey's... things are not going to be bright...
Life is too short to live like this. Too many times I've tried to help everyone else, and it never work for me. I'm sick of burning my soul for people who only want to watch me burn. I am done with it. I'm done handing my fragile heart to women with butterfingers. I'm sick of always being there for people who are never there for me.
Fuck you all.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Mind Wandering in Missouri
Ok... I'm on vacation in Branson, MO and things are weird. Emotionally I mean, but things are nonetheless weird. Some good and some bad.
I guess I'll start with the good. I'm actually having fun going to all the shows and stuff here. My best friend is moving back to the area from Minnesota. During some of the darker moments of the past couple years, she was instrumental in keeping me sane. I am really glad I'll be able to see her in person again! Speaking of good friends, Amanda and I have been talking a lot more lately. We've actually talked on the phone for several nights. I didn't realize how much I missed having a close friendship with her. The wonderful thing about this is that there aren't any other emotions to muck it up. I'm really glad she and I are finally starting to go back to where our friendship used to be.
Now I'm going to say something to some certain people I know read this blog. You may know what happened to that relationship, you have your opinions. I know most of you feel I should just tell her to leave me be and block her. Thing is... the people closest to me understand me. They know how my brain works. They know that my friendship with Amanda actually gives me strength now, much like Brenda or Lyssa. The friendship strengthened by the ashes of the relationship is invincible. Those are so precious, so leave me alone.
Besides, I'm going to need them. A Darkness is coming back into my life. I thought I was done with it, but I wasn't even close. It's putting m insomnia into overdrive. I think I've gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past week, and I'm getting less every day. Last time this happened, I almost destroyed my life. Now... I'm scared. Only my closest friends the past year know what I'm talking about. I hope I can survive this again... I want to go through it with my friends, but I also want to do it alone, lest they see that side of me. I'm so unsure of what to do... I think for now I'll do what I always do, try to help the people I love out at any cost. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell each of them what they really mean to me... especially one in particular...
If you try to talk to me about this and I raise my shields, please don't be offended. There's such a small number I'd trust with these more intimate details about me. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe someday I'll open up to you. Fair warning: if you even try to push me after I've sealed up... You will receive the backlashes to end all backlashes. Don't even try, you won't like it.
I guess I'll start with the good. I'm actually having fun going to all the shows and stuff here. My best friend is moving back to the area from Minnesota. During some of the darker moments of the past couple years, she was instrumental in keeping me sane. I am really glad I'll be able to see her in person again! Speaking of good friends, Amanda and I have been talking a lot more lately. We've actually talked on the phone for several nights. I didn't realize how much I missed having a close friendship with her. The wonderful thing about this is that there aren't any other emotions to muck it up. I'm really glad she and I are finally starting to go back to where our friendship used to be.
Now I'm going to say something to some certain people I know read this blog. You may know what happened to that relationship, you have your opinions. I know most of you feel I should just tell her to leave me be and block her. Thing is... the people closest to me understand me. They know how my brain works. They know that my friendship with Amanda actually gives me strength now, much like Brenda or Lyssa. The friendship strengthened by the ashes of the relationship is invincible. Those are so precious, so leave me alone.
Besides, I'm going to need them. A Darkness is coming back into my life. I thought I was done with it, but I wasn't even close. It's putting m insomnia into overdrive. I think I've gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past week, and I'm getting less every day. Last time this happened, I almost destroyed my life. Now... I'm scared. Only my closest friends the past year know what I'm talking about. I hope I can survive this again... I want to go through it with my friends, but I also want to do it alone, lest they see that side of me. I'm so unsure of what to do... I think for now I'll do what I always do, try to help the people I love out at any cost. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell each of them what they really mean to me... especially one in particular...
If you try to talk to me about this and I raise my shields, please don't be offended. There's such a small number I'd trust with these more intimate details about me. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe someday I'll open up to you. Fair warning: if you even try to push me after I've sealed up... You will receive the backlashes to end all backlashes. Don't even try, you won't like it.
Friday, September 12, 2014
It's weird to think about our past loves sometimes. Yet when we do look back, free from the emotions that corrupted our thoughts in the past, we really learn a lot about ourselves. I look back and I realize the type of person I am, as well as who I fall for usually.
I'm the guy who falls hardest when it's for my best friend. I forge multiple friendships and we're all close, but then there's always one that stands out. I don't know if the friendship evolves farther because of the feelings, or if the feelings develop because the friendship evolves farther. Maybe it's like the chicken and the egg. What I do know is that I've never had a lasting friendship you could call my "best" friend. Somewhat because I moved all the time as a kid, some because I'm a social pariah. I think one of the main causes though is the relationship that develops enters "no going back" territory... and then tries to go back. Four times in my past I've fallen for my best friend, three of those times the friendship was devastated. The fourth time was actually different, the only instance we salvaged it and built it better than before... but that required a LOT of effort on both our parts.
I've learned that I need some stronger feelings than just a simple crush before I start a relationship with someone. I can count three times in my life I started a romantic relationship with someone who I only had a minor crush on... and the longest one of these lasted a month. One lasted 3 days. (though I'm not sure if you can even call that a relationship...) I don't know if it's because I don't know these women as well and massive personality conflicts start, or if a relationship is trying to get built when there's nothing strong enough there, or what the deal is. I've never had one work out, they all end the same way, one person trying to salvage what may not have ever been there to begin with. Casual dating is one thing, but until you've got strong enough feelings to start to build something on don't jump the gun. It never works... ever.
There are two relationship from my past that define my skepticism about love. They're the reasons I have trust issues. I won't let you in to the depths of my soul until you convince me you're going to treat me better than these two. What's sad is I am actually still friends with one, but as far as ever dating her again, fuck that. These two are the ones that I opened up to completely and had my heart incinerated. In both instances they betrayed me, refused to acknowledge the betrayal for what it was, acted like betraying me was my fault, expected me to make all the sacrifices and refused to compromise on anything, When told about some of my crazy dreams in life, they'd mock me. They'd close themselves off from me, start confiding in other guys which led to the previously mentioned betrayal, but they'd have a fit if I wasn't willing to talk to them about why I'm feeling down today, even if it's something stupid. If you close off on me, I tend to do the same, sorry it's what happens. If I ever am with a woman for a length of time and she makes me feel like she would never do any of these things... that's the one I'll be with forever.
Now looking where I'm at now as well as the past I realize something... The women who have made the most profound impact on my soul, the relationships that have molded me... all have one thing in common. It took me forever to admit that I had feelings for them. It's usually a case of everyone else seeing it before me. I will know I have feelings for them, but I never tell myself that. I'll feel that sense of joy when they've accomplished something and are happy about it, but that's just pride in a friend. I'll smile just by looking at the name on my phone when they text or call me before I even know what they're going to say, but that's just because I like to talk to them. I go to bed thinking about someone, wake up still thinking about them... nope just... strange subconscious. I eventually want to do everything I can to make them happy, they deserve to reach their goals, even if they don't need my help... or have someone else beside them when they do, I want them to reach their dreams... well that's just being a good friend. That someone beside them though... I'd really like that to be me. Well that's just... ummm... ah crap. That's when I fall and fall hard. I can't get anything right, I'm trying to be funny and charming and can't pull them off to save my life. Sad thing is... it's just happened to me again.
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I've fallen hard for someone but they're so far above my league it's laughable. They just got out of a relationship and they've already got guys trying to win them over, I'm a minnow in a shark tank it feels like. If any guy wins her over though and then betrays her... you will beg for something as sweet as pain by the time I'm through with you...
I'm the guy who falls hardest when it's for my best friend. I forge multiple friendships and we're all close, but then there's always one that stands out. I don't know if the friendship evolves farther because of the feelings, or if the feelings develop because the friendship evolves farther. Maybe it's like the chicken and the egg. What I do know is that I've never had a lasting friendship you could call my "best" friend. Somewhat because I moved all the time as a kid, some because I'm a social pariah. I think one of the main causes though is the relationship that develops enters "no going back" territory... and then tries to go back. Four times in my past I've fallen for my best friend, three of those times the friendship was devastated. The fourth time was actually different, the only instance we salvaged it and built it better than before... but that required a LOT of effort on both our parts.
I've learned that I need some stronger feelings than just a simple crush before I start a relationship with someone. I can count three times in my life I started a romantic relationship with someone who I only had a minor crush on... and the longest one of these lasted a month. One lasted 3 days. (though I'm not sure if you can even call that a relationship...) I don't know if it's because I don't know these women as well and massive personality conflicts start, or if a relationship is trying to get built when there's nothing strong enough there, or what the deal is. I've never had one work out, they all end the same way, one person trying to salvage what may not have ever been there to begin with. Casual dating is one thing, but until you've got strong enough feelings to start to build something on don't jump the gun. It never works... ever.
There are two relationship from my past that define my skepticism about love. They're the reasons I have trust issues. I won't let you in to the depths of my soul until you convince me you're going to treat me better than these two. What's sad is I am actually still friends with one, but as far as ever dating her again, fuck that. These two are the ones that I opened up to completely and had my heart incinerated. In both instances they betrayed me, refused to acknowledge the betrayal for what it was, acted like betraying me was my fault, expected me to make all the sacrifices and refused to compromise on anything, When told about some of my crazy dreams in life, they'd mock me. They'd close themselves off from me, start confiding in other guys which led to the previously mentioned betrayal, but they'd have a fit if I wasn't willing to talk to them about why I'm feeling down today, even if it's something stupid. If you close off on me, I tend to do the same, sorry it's what happens. If I ever am with a woman for a length of time and she makes me feel like she would never do any of these things... that's the one I'll be with forever.
Now looking where I'm at now as well as the past I realize something... The women who have made the most profound impact on my soul, the relationships that have molded me... all have one thing in common. It took me forever to admit that I had feelings for them. It's usually a case of everyone else seeing it before me. I will know I have feelings for them, but I never tell myself that. I'll feel that sense of joy when they've accomplished something and are happy about it, but that's just pride in a friend. I'll smile just by looking at the name on my phone when they text or call me before I even know what they're going to say, but that's just because I like to talk to them. I go to bed thinking about someone, wake up still thinking about them... nope just... strange subconscious. I eventually want to do everything I can to make them happy, they deserve to reach their goals, even if they don't need my help... or have someone else beside them when they do, I want them to reach their dreams... well that's just being a good friend. That someone beside them though... I'd really like that to be me. Well that's just... ummm... ah crap. That's when I fall and fall hard. I can't get anything right, I'm trying to be funny and charming and can't pull them off to save my life. Sad thing is... it's just happened to me again.
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I've fallen hard for someone but they're so far above my league it's laughable. They just got out of a relationship and they've already got guys trying to win them over, I'm a minnow in a shark tank it feels like. If any guy wins her over though and then betrays her... you will beg for something as sweet as pain by the time I'm through with you...
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Really?!
I'm sure many of you have heard on the news about the celebrity private photos getting leaked. I truly feel sorry for those affected by this obvious breach in their privacy. I have not actually seen these photos, and I refuse to even search for them. Somethings I do find alarming are the kinds of responses I am hearing from some people on the subject. Now a great deal seem to have the reaction I agree with, they feel this is not right in any sense of the word. I agree with them that this represents a huge intrusion into the lives of these people and I wish them the best of luck in recovering from this. The other group however... they have a variety of reactions, ranging from the idiotic to the disturbing and dangerous. I want to address some of them now, if not to add my voice to the sea of opinions on the matter (because the internet is the perfect place for it...)
They're celebrities, it's part of the life.
Ok... let's just think about this logically. Let's just analyze this argument in its base form.
They're celebrities, it's part of the life.
Ok... let's just think about this logically. Let's just analyze this argument in its base form.
P1. Person X is a celebrity
P2. Having nude photos of yourself stolen and leaked on the internet is common to celebrities.
C. Person X should accept that the nude photos were leaked.
Problem one with this argument is that it assumes we must accept anything that is common, think about that.
P1. X is something common
C. X is acceptable
Imagine if The United States had this logic in the 1800's...
P1. Slavery is common
C. Slavery is acceptable
Well I guess we wouldn't have had the Civil War...
That argument is completely flawed. But even if you're an idiot who accepts that argument, I present this to you. If you had your computer hacked and private photos leaked on the internet, I bet you'd be calling it immoral or unjust. That means you define it as an immoral action, the only reason you're ok with it happening to these people is that their celebrities. Which means the actual argument you're making is that it's ok to perform immoral actions on celebrities... what kind of sick freak are you?
They shouldn't have had the photos if they didn't want them getting out.
Ignoring the fact that in several instances... the photos were actually pulled from the computer graveyard after being deleted, let's think about this one too. This means that someone having something wants it to get out. So basically it's like saying, you shouldn't have had your money if you didn't want it getting out. These photos were stolen. Someone's private property was taken without their consent. That's stealing pure and simple. So if you're ok with this, well... that's a nice looking PS4 you have over there...
These women are attractive and some very confident in it, so what should it matter to them if a few people want to look at these photos?
This one is probably the most dangerous one I've heard yet...
This one says that if someone is attractive, they shouldn't have an outrage at someone looking at them nude without their consent. This gets into the idea that her body is not her own. I've written blogs about objectifying women and rape culture before, but this mentality is where it starts. The idea that she should not feel violated if her body is used for your pleasure. That's what you're saying when you say this. One of the main reasons people have been looking for these photos is most likely sexual release. Think about that... There are people using these photos of someone's naked body for sexual release without the person in the photo's consent. Oh hell, let's just be blunt, these sick people are using someone else's body, without their consent, for sexual release. Even without the actual physical contact... that sounds an awful lot like rape to me... The same way a guy texting sexual messages to a woman behind his wife's back is cheating, or a 60 year old man sending a 13 year old girl a picture of himself naked is sexual harassment, that is just plain wrong. You're not embarking on innocent fun. If you are one of those freaks, I encourage you to think about something. Think about the woman in that photo you like so much as a person, a living breathing person with hopes and dreams, with goals and fears. Realize that she is somebody's daughter. In many cases she is a sister, cousin, or even a mother. Now imagine some stranger halfway around the country stole a nude photo of your daughter or sister or mother or cousin, and right now they are doing the same thing with that photo as you do with the celebrity's photo.
I wish more people had empathy. That they would try and feel someone else's pain more often. They might have a deeper understanding of the people in their life. I'm just so disgusted by a lot of people right now... I mean come on guys... Really?!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Before I Pass
A lot of people have been questioning my motivations for things lately. It seems people are wondering if a lot of my recent changes in behavior are due to some other influences (drugs were suggested.... ummm.... no). I'm not sure if I really want to put this out here yet. I might do it... think better of it and take it down... or I might leave it up... I don't really know right now. People who know me know I have trust issues. There are only like maybe 5 people on earth I open up to at all... and even that takes a lot. But here goes...
When I started showing an interest in art, my parents got curious. When I started going back to my old comedy books and pull my old stand up ideas out of the box... well I haven't really told many about that one for various reasons. When I started moving away from western style compositions to more... audio design projects, the people I talked to couldn't wrap their heads around it. When I wanted to go back to school for business management, there was going to be a second area of study I never told anyone about... organizational management... which had more to do with my plans after they started coming together. When I wanted to get a new youtube channel reserved and waiting for me to enter content, a lot of people laughed at me. When I went for 30 days without video games, then decided to try something else and asked for ideas as well as research some, there was a purpose behind it.
First off... let me explain something. I have no desire to be famous for the fame. I don't want that lifestyle. What I want is more akin to influence. I want enough influence to rally a group of people together and point them in a single direction for a greater good. I don't want the bright flashy lights, I just want to help move the world forward to a better one.
That's why I'm getting out the old stand up materials. This is part of my goal to reach as many people as possible. I want a fan community that is willing to help out their neighbor. Which also brings me to my youtube channel. I want my channel to develop enough subs to do a large charity drive on a regular basis. A lot of the ones that inspired me previously have seemed to lose this part of their job and I want to make up for it by making it the primary focus of my channel. I'll provide content to gain subs, then on a VERY regular basis do some charity drives with those subs and raise some money. I'm also hoping to expand on some skills during this. I already have plans for a series of videos watching me try to actually get good at guitar, and then use said skills to play outside my store for spare change during one of Casey's many charity drives they have every year. The art part of my behavior comes in to play as I try to design logos, thumbnails, graphics, and other visual mediums to add to the channel, and the music changes revolve on my attempts to add audio and themes to the videos.
In order to run both of these, I will need substantial funding, and thus I will need a better job. That is what brings me to going back to school and getting my degree. It also has the organizational management part so I can work with various non profit charity groups and then start my own... which brings me to my endgame.
I want to start a charity that will work with other various education organizations to help children overcome every possible obstacle in school, from learning disabilities to bullying. Unlike most charities that consider their work done after the child graduates high school, I want mine to keep working with them until they get a good job... after college. I know that's a massive undertaking and might even be impossible but to top it all off, I want one thing...
If there is one ultimate goal I can accomplish before I've breathed my last on this earth, this is the one:
I want to gain enough backing to hold an annual rally somewhere, called the Unity Through Diversity Festival. I want this rally to celebrate how we're all different parts of a whole. I want to have musicians, comedians, celebrities, all kinds of people come and talk to their fans. I want people to have a great time with people of differing religions, cultures, political viewpoints, etc. I want it to be a beacon of true human fellowship to the world.
Let me do this one thing before I pass...
When I started showing an interest in art, my parents got curious. When I started going back to my old comedy books and pull my old stand up ideas out of the box... well I haven't really told many about that one for various reasons. When I started moving away from western style compositions to more... audio design projects, the people I talked to couldn't wrap their heads around it. When I wanted to go back to school for business management, there was going to be a second area of study I never told anyone about... organizational management... which had more to do with my plans after they started coming together. When I wanted to get a new youtube channel reserved and waiting for me to enter content, a lot of people laughed at me. When I went for 30 days without video games, then decided to try something else and asked for ideas as well as research some, there was a purpose behind it.
First off... let me explain something. I have no desire to be famous for the fame. I don't want that lifestyle. What I want is more akin to influence. I want enough influence to rally a group of people together and point them in a single direction for a greater good. I don't want the bright flashy lights, I just want to help move the world forward to a better one.
That's why I'm getting out the old stand up materials. This is part of my goal to reach as many people as possible. I want a fan community that is willing to help out their neighbor. Which also brings me to my youtube channel. I want my channel to develop enough subs to do a large charity drive on a regular basis. A lot of the ones that inspired me previously have seemed to lose this part of their job and I want to make up for it by making it the primary focus of my channel. I'll provide content to gain subs, then on a VERY regular basis do some charity drives with those subs and raise some money. I'm also hoping to expand on some skills during this. I already have plans for a series of videos watching me try to actually get good at guitar, and then use said skills to play outside my store for spare change during one of Casey's many charity drives they have every year. The art part of my behavior comes in to play as I try to design logos, thumbnails, graphics, and other visual mediums to add to the channel, and the music changes revolve on my attempts to add audio and themes to the videos.
In order to run both of these, I will need substantial funding, and thus I will need a better job. That is what brings me to going back to school and getting my degree. It also has the organizational management part so I can work with various non profit charity groups and then start my own... which brings me to my endgame.
I want to start a charity that will work with other various education organizations to help children overcome every possible obstacle in school, from learning disabilities to bullying. Unlike most charities that consider their work done after the child graduates high school, I want mine to keep working with them until they get a good job... after college. I know that's a massive undertaking and might even be impossible but to top it all off, I want one thing...
If there is one ultimate goal I can accomplish before I've breathed my last on this earth, this is the one:
I want to gain enough backing to hold an annual rally somewhere, called the Unity Through Diversity Festival. I want this rally to celebrate how we're all different parts of a whole. I want to have musicians, comedians, celebrities, all kinds of people come and talk to their fans. I want people to have a great time with people of differing religions, cultures, political viewpoints, etc. I want it to be a beacon of true human fellowship to the world.
Let me do this one thing before I pass...
Monday, June 30, 2014
Memories, Changes, Disappointments, Surprises
I took a few days for vacation and left Friday morning for Sioux City. I was originally going to a family reunion in Spirit Lake, but that got canceled, so I had time off with nothing to do. I figured it would be a grand ole time to head down there and see how many old friends I could see. I had not realized it was the wedding of an old college friend (which I wasn't invited to but I'm not bitter) and so many people were incredibly busy with that. I can't blame them, this plan came up out of nowhere and the wedding is a definite bigger thing. I was still kinda disappointed though, but I doubt this will be my last chance to see them.
I wrote that just under a year ago. It hits me that it has been over a year since that part of my soul was ripped out of me. It also hits me that in that year my life has grown far more than it has in the past 4 since college. I've made some new friends, felt some heartache, broke a few hearts, (believe it or not). But this one year has seen me grow into someone new. I'm not the person who wrote that entry, I'm not the person who used to play games with Mike, I'm not the person who had incredibly awkward and inappropriate conversations with Tracey. I am those things and more.
I drove around Morningside College and it's undergone some radical changes too. New buildings that are skyscrapers compared to the others. There are still parts that make it Morningside, but it is definitely not the same college I went to. Morningside has grown, new professors have come and gone. The same is said for my old high school. Kingsley-Pierson is different now. All these changes... but this is how life works.
My life is ever changing, ever moving. I see this now more clearly than ever. I spent time with old friends whose lives are also changing. These were the people who helped make me into who I am today. I noticed while I was hanging out with Mike after eating with Tracey, some of my friends will continue to shape who I am even now. But the biggest thing I learned this weekend will stay with me forever:
My life is finally moving forward.
That's not to say I didn't see anyone, however. I got in touch with Mike and we grilled steaks and discussed the goings on in our lives. We played some video games, laughed at our spectacular failings, and drank mountain dew. It was like old times, but without that looming threat of class over our heads. It was a blast! I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I think part of it was that I could just relax and hang out. I've not been able to do that with people lately, too much floating through my mind, so this was a much needed break. I also spent some time with Tracey. While it was great having a guys night with Mike, it was also great spending time with a girl and not worrying about dating issues. I could again just be me and not have to worry about that little voice in my head second guessing everything I say. Just hanging out with some girls is something I really haven't done since college, and it was nice to feel that way again. However, Tracey and I still discussed online dating issues...
Online dating... what in the... Ok... we all know that Luke is not the most skilled guy when it comes to winning and keeping the hearts of the opposite sex... but wow... just... wow. The whole thing was falling apart for me. I would log in, and if I got any nibbles, it was always a response to something I sent, and usually a "not interested" thing. Sometimes I'd get someone... not sane. The whole thing was simply not working out. Well that kinda changed.
I had recognized her from the store and tried messaging her but my internet was funky so it didn't work. Figured I'd try later. Well... she beat me to it. So I started talking to her, and it's been a lot of fun. It's been fun flirting with someone I actually kind of like, rather than that innocent, just trying to make you laugh, flirting I do with everyone else. I figure that at the very least, I've got a new friend. Will we keep talking? I hope so. Will we start something more? Who knows. Right now, I'm enjoying the ride and life is really starting to click again.
I went back through my old blogs and journals today. I reached the point when things started looking darker and darker. This is when I found out the woman I'd been sharing a bed with was hitting on another guy, to the point of talking about being friends with benefits with him... while still "dating" me. I read through them and saw that all too familiar darkness creep in. I saw my attempts to forgive her to keep that darkness at bay. I saw my struggles against something I knew was a lost cause. I saw the entries from right after it failed. I saw all the "woe is me" stuff. One thing caught my eye. I wrote:
I feel as though I've been thrown into darkness. I was in a valley heading towards a cave. I tried to turn away from the cave but I'm trapped in that valley. I want to turn around or at least stay where I'm at, but the unstoppable force of time pushes me closer to that cave. Then it happened, that cave I knew was coming but could not avoid engulfed me. I turn to the entrance, but there is nothing but a stone wall there now. I have few options. I want to throw myself against the wall, to burst back into the area I know. Yes there was pain there, but there was light. I know that the wall will not move. No amount of strength will get me back there. I want to stay where I am. This darkness pierces my very soul. I do not feel like I can go on. I do not know if there is even a way out, I do not see light coming from an exit. I see only darkness. I take my third option. I will walk one foot in front of another. I do not know if I will find an exit, I do not know if this pain will leave me. I do know that I will push on until my legs collapse. The darkness can not claim me without a fight. I have faith in the light that awaits me. I may not know where it is, I may not even see it, but that faith shall move me forward when everything else tries to keep me back.
I wrote that just under a year ago. It hits me that it has been over a year since that part of my soul was ripped out of me. It also hits me that in that year my life has grown far more than it has in the past 4 since college. I've made some new friends, felt some heartache, broke a few hearts, (believe it or not). But this one year has seen me grow into someone new. I'm not the person who wrote that entry, I'm not the person who used to play games with Mike, I'm not the person who had incredibly awkward and inappropriate conversations with Tracey. I am those things and more.
I drove around Morningside College and it's undergone some radical changes too. New buildings that are skyscrapers compared to the others. There are still parts that make it Morningside, but it is definitely not the same college I went to. Morningside has grown, new professors have come and gone. The same is said for my old high school. Kingsley-Pierson is different now. All these changes... but this is how life works.
My life is ever changing, ever moving. I see this now more clearly than ever. I spent time with old friends whose lives are also changing. These were the people who helped make me into who I am today. I noticed while I was hanging out with Mike after eating with Tracey, some of my friends will continue to shape who I am even now. But the biggest thing I learned this weekend will stay with me forever:
My life is finally moving forward.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Biting My Tongue
It seems like all I've been doing lately is biting my tongue. I see a world full of idiots and they all seem to congregate towards me. Now I'm not saying that anyone who has entered my life is an idiot, hardly. Most of the people I choose to associate myself with are very intelligent people, it's one of the reasons I choose to talk to them. It's the ones I don't choose that bother me. No... I don't mean family.
I don't know why right wing nuts like me. I don't mean republican or conservative, I mean the far right nuts that the republicans are ashamed to admit. There's the tea party and then there's these guys. For some reason, they all think Luke is their buddy. Even after they find out I'm a democrat... they tell me, "But you're not one of those 'everyone should be treated equally' democrats." That statement alone had me biting my tongue like you wouldn't believe, and if I wasn't at work... yeah...
The biggest culprit is a regular customer, but he thinks I'm his best buddy. He used to come in a few days, grab his stuff and leave. Then at the start of the year, he started just hanging out in the store. Coming in and getting his coffee and then talking to people. He owns the building right behind my store and runs a computer repair shop there, he drums up a lot of business by talking to my customers. He's also the one that found me when I tore out my MCL in February. So there's a guilt aspect here too.
At first, he was fine, we'd bullshit about local events, discuss favorite episodes of Family Guy. Then he started bringing up school. Now this high and mighty man has earned his associate's from NIACC in computer science. Now I do not criticize people for getting their degrees, or even just associate's. But he rides this accomplishment like it is the best anyone could do. Dude... you have an associate's in a field most people consider the minimum degree to be considered knowledgeable is a bachelor's. But whatever, just breathe, Luke, just breathe...
Then came the comments. "Your computer setup is shit." "If I set this place up it would run so much better." "Your IT guys are complete morons." Ok buddy boy... first off, you have no idea what the computer requirements are to run a gas station (he felt it should all be one computer instead of two separate ones controlling the gas and the registers) Secondly, these "dumb" IT people have managed to build and maintain a system in which over 1700 stores across 11 states manage to communicate. In the entire 4 years I've been with Casey's, I can think of only one time we had a network glitch, which was solved in a few hours, and even that was a local satellite problem. Besides, Casey's hires a minimum bachelor's degree for that area, so good luck arguing with your own logic...
Since he runs his own computer repair business and charges people 60 bucks an hour to fix their stuff, he also believes he knows what is required to run a business. Dude... you don't have a fucking clue. You own your own business which rarely has to purchase merchandise. You are its sole employee. You have 0 grasp of gross vs net profit. You don't do inventory control, you don't have to worry about profit margins, since you run the business out of your own apartment building, you combine your expenses with your housing expenses, you yourself have told me you don't factor it in your income taxes properly, and since you don't have to worry about paying other people, you don't have to grasp payroll and the taxes included with that, and my absolute personal favorite, you have absolutely 0 management skills.
But he's a customer so I just laugh and smile when he talks about how he knows how to run a business. The basic smile and nod treatment. Then... a couple of weeks ago...
"I remember when my kids were little and that teletubbies show came on." Ok yeah... we all remember that show even when we wish we didn't. "Then I heard about that tinky winky one, the gay one, I banned my kids from ever watching that show. No kids show should be discussing that stuff, it's just not right."
Now at this point, I'm thinking that I'm really not going to like how this conversation goes. He might just imply that homosexual discussion is of a sexual nature and shouldn't be discussed until a child is mature enough to handle those kind of discussions or he's going to... oh you're not done talking yet? Ok here's your chance to redeem...
"I watch those decorating shows," (yet you're against homosexuals... ok) "and they sometimes go to remodel the house of some gay couple, and I turn off the TV. That shit ain't right man, it's in the fucking bible and I don't care what anyone says, it just ain't fucking right."
I felt the blood pumping. My brain instantly went into debate mode, but... I'm at work and he's my customer. Customer service 101: don't get into a political or religious debate. So I bite my tongue. He doesn't.
"I am a christian through and through and I'm sorry, but if Jesus were here, he'd fucking kill off all the gays with a snap of his finger."
My mind instantly pulled out a bunch of responses. I could tell this tattooed man on his second marriage that technically speaking, the Bible also forbids tattoos and divorce, and that such "rules" are not followed by many mainstream Christians due to the idea that such laws are without moral grounds, or outdated. Well... I of course don't... but damn... he thinks he's a high and mighty debater and his arguments are full of holes I'd love to expose... just to shut him the fuck up.
Then today he finds out I'm a democrat, but adds, "But you're not one of those 'equal treatment for all, everybody has rights' kind of democrats," Does anyone know how to shut this guy up without losing my job?
...I'm losing too much blood through my tongue...
I don't know why right wing nuts like me. I don't mean republican or conservative, I mean the far right nuts that the republicans are ashamed to admit. There's the tea party and then there's these guys. For some reason, they all think Luke is their buddy. Even after they find out I'm a democrat... they tell me, "But you're not one of those 'everyone should be treated equally' democrats." That statement alone had me biting my tongue like you wouldn't believe, and if I wasn't at work... yeah...
The biggest culprit is a regular customer, but he thinks I'm his best buddy. He used to come in a few days, grab his stuff and leave. Then at the start of the year, he started just hanging out in the store. Coming in and getting his coffee and then talking to people. He owns the building right behind my store and runs a computer repair shop there, he drums up a lot of business by talking to my customers. He's also the one that found me when I tore out my MCL in February. So there's a guilt aspect here too.
At first, he was fine, we'd bullshit about local events, discuss favorite episodes of Family Guy. Then he started bringing up school. Now this high and mighty man has earned his associate's from NIACC in computer science. Now I do not criticize people for getting their degrees, or even just associate's. But he rides this accomplishment like it is the best anyone could do. Dude... you have an associate's in a field most people consider the minimum degree to be considered knowledgeable is a bachelor's. But whatever, just breathe, Luke, just breathe...
Then came the comments. "Your computer setup is shit." "If I set this place up it would run so much better." "Your IT guys are complete morons." Ok buddy boy... first off, you have no idea what the computer requirements are to run a gas station (he felt it should all be one computer instead of two separate ones controlling the gas and the registers) Secondly, these "dumb" IT people have managed to build and maintain a system in which over 1700 stores across 11 states manage to communicate. In the entire 4 years I've been with Casey's, I can think of only one time we had a network glitch, which was solved in a few hours, and even that was a local satellite problem. Besides, Casey's hires a minimum bachelor's degree for that area, so good luck arguing with your own logic...
Since he runs his own computer repair business and charges people 60 bucks an hour to fix their stuff, he also believes he knows what is required to run a business. Dude... you don't have a fucking clue. You own your own business which rarely has to purchase merchandise. You are its sole employee. You have 0 grasp of gross vs net profit. You don't do inventory control, you don't have to worry about profit margins, since you run the business out of your own apartment building, you combine your expenses with your housing expenses, you yourself have told me you don't factor it in your income taxes properly, and since you don't have to worry about paying other people, you don't have to grasp payroll and the taxes included with that, and my absolute personal favorite, you have absolutely 0 management skills.
But he's a customer so I just laugh and smile when he talks about how he knows how to run a business. The basic smile and nod treatment. Then... a couple of weeks ago...
"I remember when my kids were little and that teletubbies show came on." Ok yeah... we all remember that show even when we wish we didn't. "Then I heard about that tinky winky one, the gay one, I banned my kids from ever watching that show. No kids show should be discussing that stuff, it's just not right."
Now at this point, I'm thinking that I'm really not going to like how this conversation goes. He might just imply that homosexual discussion is of a sexual nature and shouldn't be discussed until a child is mature enough to handle those kind of discussions or he's going to... oh you're not done talking yet? Ok here's your chance to redeem...
"I watch those decorating shows," (yet you're against homosexuals... ok) "and they sometimes go to remodel the house of some gay couple, and I turn off the TV. That shit ain't right man, it's in the fucking bible and I don't care what anyone says, it just ain't fucking right."
I felt the blood pumping. My brain instantly went into debate mode, but... I'm at work and he's my customer. Customer service 101: don't get into a political or religious debate. So I bite my tongue. He doesn't.
"I am a christian through and through and I'm sorry, but if Jesus were here, he'd fucking kill off all the gays with a snap of his finger."
My mind instantly pulled out a bunch of responses. I could tell this tattooed man on his second marriage that technically speaking, the Bible also forbids tattoos and divorce, and that such "rules" are not followed by many mainstream Christians due to the idea that such laws are without moral grounds, or outdated. Well... I of course don't... but damn... he thinks he's a high and mighty debater and his arguments are full of holes I'd love to expose... just to shut him the fuck up.
Then today he finds out I'm a democrat, but adds, "But you're not one of those 'equal treatment for all, everybody has rights' kind of democrats," Does anyone know how to shut this guy up without losing my job?
...I'm losing too much blood through my tongue...
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Crossroads And The House I Hate
My knee hurts. Unlike the previous dislocations, this pain isn't going away. I'm not healing anymore. In fact, it feels like I'm actually getting worse. So when my parents needed help moving a chair out of their house, I was reluctant. I gave them a hand, and we were off to Klemme... I hate going to Klemme. Every time I set foot in those city limits (although you could hardly call Klemme a city), I feel like my soul goes through unimaginable torment. Klemme has this... aura of failure to me. Much like Morningside, it represents a chapter of my life where I feel I failed at something important. This time... there was a sign for a candidate for US senate, representing Iowa. Yup... Sam Clovis. So now on the way to Klemme, we add a little flare of Morningside, just to cement that feeling of failure. Then I get to that house...
If I were to die and my soul drawn to a place of torment to haunt for all eternity, it would either be that house, or some building on Morningside. Here's the thing with that house, it represents the future I wanted but will never have. It represents the part of me still screaming to love life. It represents the artistic side of me, the part that wants to write music, be a stand up, tell stories, listen to music. The part of me that used to define me... that I have removed. I don't write anymore, I don't compose anymore, and the only times I make people laugh is when it is good for business. But there's one more thing about this house and what it represents, it is the core of why Klemme drains my soul every time I see it. This building represents the first step on a life I was going to build with someone, only to have it shatter. They weren't happy, and I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, I let them leave me so they could be happier. I made that decision out of the purest love I have felt, but that was later twisted and poisoned when I found out that the same love was not so pure on the other side, to the point of making arrangements with other men while we were still together. That house stands as a beacon to my stupidity, to believe that anyone could understand me, or love me, or feel that I was their one and only. It stands to mock me. Its walls represent the prison I freed myself from when I realized that no one will treat me that way. No one will ever have that same pure love for me. Many will claim they do, some have even almost had me convinced, until things hit a rocky patch, then everything falls apart. They either get completely distant and things get worse, or they feed off the drama, and they keep bringing it back so we never move on. This poisons my soul. That's what this house is. It's a constant reminder that my life has never had the same impact on people that they've had on mine. I'm the guy that helps you through your crisis, I'm the eternal rebound, until you get over your ex, then you run off with someone else. That's what this house represents.
Recently, several people have needed my help. A couple of them have shattered my heart before, but I opened it and helped them anyway. I knew it would be painful, but I had no idea how bad... It has torn me apart, my soul is set ablaze. That same love and compassion I pulled from to help them is caught in my throat and it's choking me. There's a new voice, begging me to do whatever it takes to cause them the same pain they caused me. It begs for vengeance. I keep telling myself that the pain should not change who I am. I know that being there for everyone is not easy, that it will drain me and I may not always have people when I need them. I keep saying that it doesn't matter, that helping them when they need it is the right thing to do. But that other voice that wants me to at the very least just shut down and stop talking to people... it's gotten so strong lately. It's deafening.
People ask me why I've decided to study business instead of the other pursuits I've done in the past. That's simple, I'm turning my back on them. I tried composing music last week, I can't seem to feel anything other than depressing progressions. I go to my old file of music I've composed for people I've cared about, only to be betrayed and rework the harmonies into some kind of twisted mutant. I find too much satisfaction with them, I feel like I've lost my ability to forgive. That positive outlook on life is fading too fast. Some people say I've sold my soul to the dollar by going into business. Maybe they're right...
I look back at my life and realize this house represents something else. I remember standing in these walls shortly after I got my promotion. I remember wondering if I would have gotten it if I was still involved with some people. People have pointed out that I applied for several promotions and only got one when I wasn't with her anymore. I remember feeling incredibly angry at such accusations. I remember losing some friends defending her to them. Now as I stand in these walls, there's a strange feeling inside of me. Part of me is proud for standing by my friend, but another part asks if it was worth it, to do what is right even though I'll get nothing for it.
Since I became manager, I've sacrificed a lot. People don't realize what I've given up for this company and my store in particular. I've given up going to weddings, funerals, church functions, social events, all for my career. I gave up going on a mission trip because my store would need me during that time. Even the few romantic relationships I've started since taking over my store have all failed for various reasons, but more times than not, it's because the time I've spent at my store. Now I feel like I'm at a crossroads... do I go down the path and sacrifice even more for my career, or do I walk down another path and try to take back some of the things I've given up on.
Look to the right... Look to the left... take a deep breath... and a first step in the direction of..............................................................................
If I were to die and my soul drawn to a place of torment to haunt for all eternity, it would either be that house, or some building on Morningside. Here's the thing with that house, it represents the future I wanted but will never have. It represents the part of me still screaming to love life. It represents the artistic side of me, the part that wants to write music, be a stand up, tell stories, listen to music. The part of me that used to define me... that I have removed. I don't write anymore, I don't compose anymore, and the only times I make people laugh is when it is good for business. But there's one more thing about this house and what it represents, it is the core of why Klemme drains my soul every time I see it. This building represents the first step on a life I was going to build with someone, only to have it shatter. They weren't happy, and I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, I let them leave me so they could be happier. I made that decision out of the purest love I have felt, but that was later twisted and poisoned when I found out that the same love was not so pure on the other side, to the point of making arrangements with other men while we were still together. That house stands as a beacon to my stupidity, to believe that anyone could understand me, or love me, or feel that I was their one and only. It stands to mock me. Its walls represent the prison I freed myself from when I realized that no one will treat me that way. No one will ever have that same pure love for me. Many will claim they do, some have even almost had me convinced, until things hit a rocky patch, then everything falls apart. They either get completely distant and things get worse, or they feed off the drama, and they keep bringing it back so we never move on. This poisons my soul. That's what this house is. It's a constant reminder that my life has never had the same impact on people that they've had on mine. I'm the guy that helps you through your crisis, I'm the eternal rebound, until you get over your ex, then you run off with someone else. That's what this house represents.
Recently, several people have needed my help. A couple of them have shattered my heart before, but I opened it and helped them anyway. I knew it would be painful, but I had no idea how bad... It has torn me apart, my soul is set ablaze. That same love and compassion I pulled from to help them is caught in my throat and it's choking me. There's a new voice, begging me to do whatever it takes to cause them the same pain they caused me. It begs for vengeance. I keep telling myself that the pain should not change who I am. I know that being there for everyone is not easy, that it will drain me and I may not always have people when I need them. I keep saying that it doesn't matter, that helping them when they need it is the right thing to do. But that other voice that wants me to at the very least just shut down and stop talking to people... it's gotten so strong lately. It's deafening.
People ask me why I've decided to study business instead of the other pursuits I've done in the past. That's simple, I'm turning my back on them. I tried composing music last week, I can't seem to feel anything other than depressing progressions. I go to my old file of music I've composed for people I've cared about, only to be betrayed and rework the harmonies into some kind of twisted mutant. I find too much satisfaction with them, I feel like I've lost my ability to forgive. That positive outlook on life is fading too fast. Some people say I've sold my soul to the dollar by going into business. Maybe they're right...
I look back at my life and realize this house represents something else. I remember standing in these walls shortly after I got my promotion. I remember wondering if I would have gotten it if I was still involved with some people. People have pointed out that I applied for several promotions and only got one when I wasn't with her anymore. I remember feeling incredibly angry at such accusations. I remember losing some friends defending her to them. Now as I stand in these walls, there's a strange feeling inside of me. Part of me is proud for standing by my friend, but another part asks if it was worth it, to do what is right even though I'll get nothing for it.
Since I became manager, I've sacrificed a lot. People don't realize what I've given up for this company and my store in particular. I've given up going to weddings, funerals, church functions, social events, all for my career. I gave up going on a mission trip because my store would need me during that time. Even the few romantic relationships I've started since taking over my store have all failed for various reasons, but more times than not, it's because the time I've spent at my store. Now I feel like I'm at a crossroads... do I go down the path and sacrifice even more for my career, or do I walk down another path and try to take back some of the things I've given up on.
Look to the right... Look to the left... take a deep breath... and a first step in the direction of..............................................................................
Friday, April 25, 2014
Doomed to Repeat
Have you ever thought what it was like to make decisions on who to hire? You've got a stack of applications and you get to pick a handful to interview, then one or two to offer a job to. My supervisor once told me, "If you think you are a good judge of character, just wait until you make hiring decisions that backfire on you." This is actually very true. But one thing that I always look at is that criminal history question. If you've got theft or a violent crime in there, I don't hire you. Now here's the thing... should this one mistake they made be theirs to bear for all time? It's like Valjean from Les Mis. He stole a loaf of bread and can't escape his mistake.
When someone makes a mistake, we always associate them with this mistake. This is so much more powerful than any accomplishments they have made. When I say John Travolta, most people will think of how he couldn't pronounce a name rather than any movie role he was in. If I mention George Lucas, a lot of you think of him as the man who ruined Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks... not as the man who created it. Mitt Romney made one comment about the 47% and the election became a class war.
Here's the problem, if all we see when we look at people are their mistakes, they don't see any way to escape them. Remember Joel Schumacher? He directed A Time to Kill? It was a good movie based on a good novel. In fact, many of his early works were actually pretty good. Then came Batman and Robin. Even Mr. Schumacher knew that movie sucked. Well then, every single movie he directed, people saw it through bat-blinders. They didn't see him as a competent director any more, and it shows in the quality of his later movies. I have friends who say that they don't care what anyone thinks of them. They've made mistakes because they are human after all. But even as they claim not to care what others think of them, people reacting to them like their mistake is their defining characteristic seems to make them repeat it. They feel like they can't escape it, so why bother. Then they're thrown in to a new area, where people don't know their past, and suddenly they're a changed person.
I've had this happen to myself. I am far from perfect, farther than most I would argue. People have pointed out to me that I am much stronger in my professional life than I am in my personal life. They comment how strong a head I have on my shoulders and how confident I am. Well my personal life I can sometimes be the complete opposite. Why? People in my personal life know most of the mistakes I've made and see me as a collection of those mistakes it feels like. When I make a mistake at work, it is addressed, repaired as much as possible, learned from, and moved past. This has allowed me to grow much faster at things I do for work. However, when it comes to my non professional life, I feel like mistakes get plastered on me. I can go months without slipping, but the whole time I'm treated like I'll snap back at any moment. I feel like I can't grow, I'll always be looking over my shoulder. Then after months of improvement, I have a breakdown. I stop believing in myself and cave in to whatever I was trying to avoid. This usually has dramatic and costly consequences. Then the mess is cleaned up, but now it's just one more time it's been repeated, which is one more notch on my back... soon I'll look like Mr. Zsasz from Batman.
I still remember the first time I learned to lie. I was in a situation I had 0 control over, but was getting punished for it. Imagine a similar situation. Say you given an electric shock every time the Vikings lost a football game. You would try every tool in your arsenal to help the Vikings win. When they lost, you'd get shocked. You would wonder why this was happening. Were you simply not trying hard enough? Before long, the vikings' record became part of your identity. You'd stop caring about the vikings and would just want the shocks to stop. You'd watch the game just to see if you were getting shocked the next day. Then a day came when you realized you were the only one who saw the game the night before, and the vikings lost last night. They ask you whether the vikings won or lost. How would you answer? You tell them they won, and it hits you, if you can somehow keep this up, you might never get shocked again. Well the lack of super bowl participation gives up the fact that vikings didn't have a perfect season. And one internet search finds you out. Then you're shocked twice as hard plus all the shocks you missed. Now you're branded a liar, and that's when things get bad. They're still not watching the games, and they still ask you how the vikings did. You answer honestly every time, but when the vikings win, and you tell them that, they don't believe you because you lied that one time. So they shock you for good measure. After a while, you realize you'll never escape that one mistake (if it even was one) so you just stop caring, because you'll never go far with half your brain electrocuted away.
This is what happens, life beats us down and we make mistakes. When we become defined by our mistakes, we become doomed to repeat them. I knew a girl who was branded a slut. She made one mistake and it stuck with her for years. If she was branded a slut, she might as well behave like one. She slept around, but then she met someone who saw something more. He didn't treat her like she was easy, and he knew she had flaws, but he didn't define her by them. He actually treated her like a person with respect. Oh sure there were a lot of people claiming she would two time him... but he didn't listen, and always made a point of making sure she was not a mistake. Well... she never did two time him. She was no longer defined by her mistake. Amazing how that works!
So next time you are dealing with someone who is less than perfect, remember that you yourself are just as flawed. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. If you treat someone like a mistake they've made defines them, history is simply doomed to repeat itself.
When someone makes a mistake, we always associate them with this mistake. This is so much more powerful than any accomplishments they have made. When I say John Travolta, most people will think of how he couldn't pronounce a name rather than any movie role he was in. If I mention George Lucas, a lot of you think of him as the man who ruined Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks... not as the man who created it. Mitt Romney made one comment about the 47% and the election became a class war.
Here's the problem, if all we see when we look at people are their mistakes, they don't see any way to escape them. Remember Joel Schumacher? He directed A Time to Kill? It was a good movie based on a good novel. In fact, many of his early works were actually pretty good. Then came Batman and Robin. Even Mr. Schumacher knew that movie sucked. Well then, every single movie he directed, people saw it through bat-blinders. They didn't see him as a competent director any more, and it shows in the quality of his later movies. I have friends who say that they don't care what anyone thinks of them. They've made mistakes because they are human after all. But even as they claim not to care what others think of them, people reacting to them like their mistake is their defining characteristic seems to make them repeat it. They feel like they can't escape it, so why bother. Then they're thrown in to a new area, where people don't know their past, and suddenly they're a changed person.
I've had this happen to myself. I am far from perfect, farther than most I would argue. People have pointed out to me that I am much stronger in my professional life than I am in my personal life. They comment how strong a head I have on my shoulders and how confident I am. Well my personal life I can sometimes be the complete opposite. Why? People in my personal life know most of the mistakes I've made and see me as a collection of those mistakes it feels like. When I make a mistake at work, it is addressed, repaired as much as possible, learned from, and moved past. This has allowed me to grow much faster at things I do for work. However, when it comes to my non professional life, I feel like mistakes get plastered on me. I can go months without slipping, but the whole time I'm treated like I'll snap back at any moment. I feel like I can't grow, I'll always be looking over my shoulder. Then after months of improvement, I have a breakdown. I stop believing in myself and cave in to whatever I was trying to avoid. This usually has dramatic and costly consequences. Then the mess is cleaned up, but now it's just one more time it's been repeated, which is one more notch on my back... soon I'll look like Mr. Zsasz from Batman.
I still remember the first time I learned to lie. I was in a situation I had 0 control over, but was getting punished for it. Imagine a similar situation. Say you given an electric shock every time the Vikings lost a football game. You would try every tool in your arsenal to help the Vikings win. When they lost, you'd get shocked. You would wonder why this was happening. Were you simply not trying hard enough? Before long, the vikings' record became part of your identity. You'd stop caring about the vikings and would just want the shocks to stop. You'd watch the game just to see if you were getting shocked the next day. Then a day came when you realized you were the only one who saw the game the night before, and the vikings lost last night. They ask you whether the vikings won or lost. How would you answer? You tell them they won, and it hits you, if you can somehow keep this up, you might never get shocked again. Well the lack of super bowl participation gives up the fact that vikings didn't have a perfect season. And one internet search finds you out. Then you're shocked twice as hard plus all the shocks you missed. Now you're branded a liar, and that's when things get bad. They're still not watching the games, and they still ask you how the vikings did. You answer honestly every time, but when the vikings win, and you tell them that, they don't believe you because you lied that one time. So they shock you for good measure. After a while, you realize you'll never escape that one mistake (if it even was one) so you just stop caring, because you'll never go far with half your brain electrocuted away.
This is what happens, life beats us down and we make mistakes. When we become defined by our mistakes, we become doomed to repeat them. I knew a girl who was branded a slut. She made one mistake and it stuck with her for years. If she was branded a slut, she might as well behave like one. She slept around, but then she met someone who saw something more. He didn't treat her like she was easy, and he knew she had flaws, but he didn't define her by them. He actually treated her like a person with respect. Oh sure there were a lot of people claiming she would two time him... but he didn't listen, and always made a point of making sure she was not a mistake. Well... she never did two time him. She was no longer defined by her mistake. Amazing how that works!
So next time you are dealing with someone who is less than perfect, remember that you yourself are just as flawed. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. If you treat someone like a mistake they've made defines them, history is simply doomed to repeat itself.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
How Far to Climb
I like my little store. I went from hating my job working at a gas station to loving it. All it took was a promotion (and a huge raise). I have a lot of good customers that come in. I miss being at full capacity so I could run my store again. Someone asked me why I'm working in customer service. They told me they might be able to hook me up for a different job. Basically I'd run an office, I would only deal with my employees, and my days in customer service would be finished. Then it hit me... I live for dealing with people.
It's no secret, when I was going to college and debating between education and actuary science, there were a number of people (especially my teachers) who told me they were surprised by my debate. They figured I would hate office work, being trapped in a cubicle. They told me I'm a social creature, that I thrived on interaction with many people. I now realize they were right.
So here's the thing, while I obviously politely turned down the offer, it becomes an issue to figure out how far to go. What happens when I move up to area supervisor? What if I keep going? This is less interacting with many people and more working with smaller and smaller groups. I realize that one of my favorite parts of my job is also the worst part. Talking to customers is like meeting a new person every day. The customers also have a tendency to complain a lot more (especially to a manager).
So where is the balance? When do I stop? Is money worth not talking to so many people? I make more than some people I know who actually have a degree, so I'm not completely hurting for cash. So should I?
Anyone got a crystal ball, a ouija board, or some tarot cards?
It's no secret, when I was going to college and debating between education and actuary science, there were a number of people (especially my teachers) who told me they were surprised by my debate. They figured I would hate office work, being trapped in a cubicle. They told me I'm a social creature, that I thrived on interaction with many people. I now realize they were right.
So here's the thing, while I obviously politely turned down the offer, it becomes an issue to figure out how far to go. What happens when I move up to area supervisor? What if I keep going? This is less interacting with many people and more working with smaller and smaller groups. I realize that one of my favorite parts of my job is also the worst part. Talking to customers is like meeting a new person every day. The customers also have a tendency to complain a lot more (especially to a manager).
So where is the balance? When do I stop? Is money worth not talking to so many people? I make more than some people I know who actually have a degree, so I'm not completely hurting for cash. So should I?
Anyone got a crystal ball, a ouija board, or some tarot cards?
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I'm Old
Lately I've kinda gone through a kind of nostalgia craze... well... let's feel old.
1. My page friends (the few that are still on my facebook) it's been over 10 years since we met
2. next year marks the 20 year anniversary of the movie toy story
3. if you were born in 1986 or later, we are now father past the dawn of the new millennium than your birthday was before it (in other words your total life to 1/1/2000 is shorter than your life from that day to now)
4. if toy story being 20 years old doesn't bother you, its sequel is 15 years old
5. the internet was commercialized and made fully available to us (as close to a birth as I can think of) 19 years ago
6. if you remember the tan m&m... you ate them 20 years ago, since then they've been replaced by the blue one
7. If Tommy Pickles was born the same year Rugrats came out, graduated high school at age 18, and was in a 4 year program to earn his bachelor's... he'd have gotten it last year
8. The DVD is now the same age VHS was when DVD's were first introduced (19 years)
9. oh but blu rays are so modern and current... they're already almost 8 years old
10. for my gamer friends, sega's last console was 15 years ago
11. the very first cell phone ever invented turned 30 this year
12. we were first introduced to Simon's condescending attitude on American Idol 12 years ago
13. back to video games, remember when the Nintendo 64 came out and completely blew our minds? if it were a person, it would be a legal adult this year at age 18
14. 20 years is a popular age on this list... Jim Carey had a ground breaking and "sssssssssmoking!" role as the mask 20 years ago.
15. The Batman Animated Series... one of my favorites... turns 22 years old this year.
16. Make two dots several inches apart on a piece of paper, draw a line connecting them. label the first one "Return of the Jedi 1983" label the other one, "New Star Wars Trilogy released, 2015" Now make another dot dead center of this line, label it "prequels start, episode I the phantom menace 1999" That's right, there were 16 years between Return of the Jedi and the Phantom Menace, and there is (currently) going to be 16 years between the phantom menace and the new trilogy
17. The creepiest of fast food mascots (even worse than a clown), the "Creepy King" as he came to be known, first tried to creep someone out enough to try the whopper 10 years ago
18. Before working for the insurance company, GEICO, our little lizard friend pleaded with people to stop calling him as they wanted "GEICO, not Gecko!" His first plea was 15 years ago.
19. After success with the gecko, the same ad agency had another well done ad campaign for GEICO about cavemen, the first of those ads appeared 10 years ago, this was popular as a commercial... not so much as a sitcom... which premiered 7 years ago, and was canceled after 6 episodes.
20. It's been 16 years since we've seen a new episode of Seinfeld
21. Reality TV is 20 years old
22. One of the (if not most) popular MMO's, World of Warcraft is 10 years old... the real time strategy game it is based on (oh how I wish Blizzard would give us another one) is 20 years old.
23. The mega company, Google, is 16 years old
24. Finally, if the Simpsons aged normally from where they were at the series debut, Homer would be 61 years old, Bart would be 35 years old, Lisa would be 33, and Maggie would be 26, to put that in perspective, Homer would be the same age as Liam Neeson and John Goodman, Bart is the same age as Rachel McAdams, Lisa is the same age as the new captain Kirk, Chris Pine, and baby Maggie would be just a couple years younger than Emma Stone.
1. My page friends (the few that are still on my facebook) it's been over 10 years since we met
2. next year marks the 20 year anniversary of the movie toy story
3. if you were born in 1986 or later, we are now father past the dawn of the new millennium than your birthday was before it (in other words your total life to 1/1/2000 is shorter than your life from that day to now)
4. if toy story being 20 years old doesn't bother you, its sequel is 15 years old
5. the internet was commercialized and made fully available to us (as close to a birth as I can think of) 19 years ago
6. if you remember the tan m&m... you ate them 20 years ago, since then they've been replaced by the blue one
7. If Tommy Pickles was born the same year Rugrats came out, graduated high school at age 18, and was in a 4 year program to earn his bachelor's... he'd have gotten it last year
8. The DVD is now the same age VHS was when DVD's were first introduced (19 years)
9. oh but blu rays are so modern and current... they're already almost 8 years old
10. for my gamer friends, sega's last console was 15 years ago
11. the very first cell phone ever invented turned 30 this year
12. we were first introduced to Simon's condescending attitude on American Idol 12 years ago
13. back to video games, remember when the Nintendo 64 came out and completely blew our minds? if it were a person, it would be a legal adult this year at age 18
14. 20 years is a popular age on this list... Jim Carey had a ground breaking and "sssssssssmoking!" role as the mask 20 years ago.
15. The Batman Animated Series... one of my favorites... turns 22 years old this year.
16. Make two dots several inches apart on a piece of paper, draw a line connecting them. label the first one "Return of the Jedi 1983" label the other one, "New Star Wars Trilogy released, 2015" Now make another dot dead center of this line, label it "prequels start, episode I the phantom menace 1999" That's right, there were 16 years between Return of the Jedi and the Phantom Menace, and there is (currently) going to be 16 years between the phantom menace and the new trilogy
17. The creepiest of fast food mascots (even worse than a clown), the "Creepy King" as he came to be known, first tried to creep someone out enough to try the whopper 10 years ago
18. Before working for the insurance company, GEICO, our little lizard friend pleaded with people to stop calling him as they wanted "GEICO, not Gecko!" His first plea was 15 years ago.
19. After success with the gecko, the same ad agency had another well done ad campaign for GEICO about cavemen, the first of those ads appeared 10 years ago, this was popular as a commercial... not so much as a sitcom... which premiered 7 years ago, and was canceled after 6 episodes.
20. It's been 16 years since we've seen a new episode of Seinfeld
21. Reality TV is 20 years old
22. One of the (if not most) popular MMO's, World of Warcraft is 10 years old... the real time strategy game it is based on (oh how I wish Blizzard would give us another one) is 20 years old.
23. The mega company, Google, is 16 years old
24. Finally, if the Simpsons aged normally from where they were at the series debut, Homer would be 61 years old, Bart would be 35 years old, Lisa would be 33, and Maggie would be 26, to put that in perspective, Homer would be the same age as Liam Neeson and John Goodman, Bart is the same age as Rachel McAdams, Lisa is the same age as the new captain Kirk, Chris Pine, and baby Maggie would be just a couple years younger than Emma Stone.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
I know it will come as some huge surprise to you all that I am a straight ally. Basically I don't feel that those who prefer the company of their own gender (or both equally) should be denied rights I enjoy simply because I prefer the company of my opposite gender. Having said this, I do notice something I wish to stop. I notice sexual orientation has become a defining characteristic of people. Rather than think of them as a person who happens to be gay, I see people referring to them as homosexuals who happen to be people. This is not a good direction to be going in.
I have George Takei on my facebook. Several times a day, my newsfeed will get a hit from some humorous photo or comment he will have posted. Now it's no secret the man is gay. He has used his fame from Star Trek to speak for gay rights. However, I know many people who think of him as just the gay guy from Star Trek. Well... he's also an accomplished actor in other shows as well. He also speaks out against the Japanese internment camps that were used during WWII. His posts on facebook usually match his droll sense of humor and almost always give me a chuckle or two. Heck some have given me a good belly laugh. Many know of the rivalry he has with Captain Kirk, but few know of his good friendship with Uhura. This is just a glimpse into who he is, but it is a much wider glimpse than, "he's gay."
Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying homosexuals shouldn't have pride. If you want to wear rainbows and be "FABULOUS!" ...then knock yourself out. (yes I'm aware I am using stereotypes here, but my point is still vaild) You can do that... but be aware, I'll probably see you as someone who can't pick a favorite color and has very few social inhibitions...
I have had one friend who chose me to come out to once. They have since fully embraced their feelings and are even married now, but at that time, it wasn't so easy for them. When they came out to me, there was a split second where I did think of them differently. After that split second, I came to realize that it didn't change my opinion on who they were. In fact, them coming out to me only had 2 changes to our friendship. 1. I realized if I ever wanted to set them up on a blind date, I'd pick from their own gender. and 2. The fact they trusted me actually brought our friendship a little bit closer. While there is something to said for that moment of deep trust... I want to live in a world where that is no longer necessary. I want to live in a world where the only time you think of someone differently based on their sexual orientation is when you're deciding who to set them up with on a blind date. That's the world I want to see.
I will say that there is only one person who came out recently that changed my attitude..... but that's only because Ellen Page is one of my celebrity crushes and I just don't like my 0.00000000000000001% chance with her to be reduced to completely 0%... I hope you ladies realize how lucky you are. (seriously though, she's a great actress and I'll still go see anything she's in)
I have George Takei on my facebook. Several times a day, my newsfeed will get a hit from some humorous photo or comment he will have posted. Now it's no secret the man is gay. He has used his fame from Star Trek to speak for gay rights. However, I know many people who think of him as just the gay guy from Star Trek. Well... he's also an accomplished actor in other shows as well. He also speaks out against the Japanese internment camps that were used during WWII. His posts on facebook usually match his droll sense of humor and almost always give me a chuckle or two. Heck some have given me a good belly laugh. Many know of the rivalry he has with Captain Kirk, but few know of his good friendship with Uhura. This is just a glimpse into who he is, but it is a much wider glimpse than, "he's gay."
Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying homosexuals shouldn't have pride. If you want to wear rainbows and be "FABULOUS!" ...then knock yourself out. (yes I'm aware I am using stereotypes here, but my point is still vaild) You can do that... but be aware, I'll probably see you as someone who can't pick a favorite color and has very few social inhibitions...
I have had one friend who chose me to come out to once. They have since fully embraced their feelings and are even married now, but at that time, it wasn't so easy for them. When they came out to me, there was a split second where I did think of them differently. After that split second, I came to realize that it didn't change my opinion on who they were. In fact, them coming out to me only had 2 changes to our friendship. 1. I realized if I ever wanted to set them up on a blind date, I'd pick from their own gender. and 2. The fact they trusted me actually brought our friendship a little bit closer. While there is something to said for that moment of deep trust... I want to live in a world where that is no longer necessary. I want to live in a world where the only time you think of someone differently based on their sexual orientation is when you're deciding who to set them up with on a blind date. That's the world I want to see.
I will say that there is only one person who came out recently that changed my attitude..... but that's only because Ellen Page is one of my celebrity crushes and I just don't like my 0.00000000000000001% chance with her to be reduced to completely 0%... I hope you ladies realize how lucky you are. (seriously though, she's a great actress and I'll still go see anything she's in)
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
So You Hate Cops?
Okay... what the hell is going on here? Lately on that wonderful social site, I've seen way too many postings about how cops are enforcing unjust rule by some imperial government and should be fought. Some compare them to the stormtroopers from the star wars films. Some compare them to the Jaffa from the Stargate franchise. Ok let's take a look at this. The stormtroopers were clones devised to be unquestioning in the loyalty to the government. They, in turn, had no individual soul to speak of and weren't really people. (I suspect Lucas did this deliberately to justify his heroes killing so many people). The Jaffa were enslaved by their false gods and were literally bred to be dependent on them. So if you're going to try and use sci fi franchises to justify your arguments (I can't believe I just said that), make sure you know them before you try to take ME on. You're so far out of your league otherwise it's not even funny.
To the meat of the matter. Why do you seem to hate cops? I remember in elementary school, we were taught that cops are our friends. We were taught that if we needed help in an emergency and one of those men and women in blue showed up, we could go to them for help. So what happened? What earth-shattering moment changed your mind on our police force.
"They gave me a ticket." Well... what were you doing that you got a ticket? Oh you were driving 20 over the speed limit... I see... do you feel powerful? Does the fact that you can drive faster make you a better human being? Is it a marketable skill? Here, try mentioning it to a potential employer during and interview. "I have 3 years experience in this field. I can learn quickly. I'm highly punctual. I'm a good people person. I can drive 20 mph faster than the speed limit." Speaking as a manager... you're not getting hired.
"They're going to take away my guns." Ummmm.... I have yet to hear a story from someone who actually had the cops come to their house and remove their firearms. The only story I've heard so far of someone losing a weapon they've already purchased was when they pawned it off. During the month it was in pawn, the guy started beating his wife, because of that, he failed a background check. Now should this mentally disturbed violent man get his gun after threatening the life of his wife? Your answer will explain a lot about your views toward other humans vs your own selfish desires. Scumbag.
"Cops enforce the corrupt laws of the government" Ok this one I thought would be my favorite. I only just today heard one that angers me more than this one... but we'll get to that. Your entire objection here is based on the corruption of our leaders. You blame those who are simply doing their job. Can you even come up with those specific laws? Even during prohibition cops were better liked than they are now. What the hell guys? But here's the kicker, if you hate cops for this reason, you have no choice but to also hate our troops. Our troops are under the command of our government. They're conditioned to follow orders issued by our government. Failure to do so carries even worse punishment than when cops do it. So if you hate cops, you must hate our troops too.
Now for the worst one... the one single comment that angered me so much I had to write this blog.
"They took me to jail when I got my DUI." Ok... first off... were you drunk at the time? Oh you were... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!!!!!! Ok, news flash into the type of person I am. I have lost too many people to drunk driving. I've seen too many tears shed over those deaths. Tried to console too many friends who lost a loved one. I have no respect for you if you're driving drunk and then hold a grudge on the cop for picking you up. I never say this to people, so understand how much disgust and sheer rage I have for you when I say this. If you drive drunk and act like it's the cop's fault for catching you, then delete me from facebook, if I try to contact you just tell me no. I don't want to have anything to do with you. There's a part of me that wants to tell you to just eat a bullet instead, that way you only kill yourself, but I'm not that angry yet. Just don't do it... please...
To the meat of the matter. Why do you seem to hate cops? I remember in elementary school, we were taught that cops are our friends. We were taught that if we needed help in an emergency and one of those men and women in blue showed up, we could go to them for help. So what happened? What earth-shattering moment changed your mind on our police force.
"They gave me a ticket." Well... what were you doing that you got a ticket? Oh you were driving 20 over the speed limit... I see... do you feel powerful? Does the fact that you can drive faster make you a better human being? Is it a marketable skill? Here, try mentioning it to a potential employer during and interview. "I have 3 years experience in this field. I can learn quickly. I'm highly punctual. I'm a good people person. I can drive 20 mph faster than the speed limit." Speaking as a manager... you're not getting hired.
"They're going to take away my guns." Ummmm.... I have yet to hear a story from someone who actually had the cops come to their house and remove their firearms. The only story I've heard so far of someone losing a weapon they've already purchased was when they pawned it off. During the month it was in pawn, the guy started beating his wife, because of that, he failed a background check. Now should this mentally disturbed violent man get his gun after threatening the life of his wife? Your answer will explain a lot about your views toward other humans vs your own selfish desires. Scumbag.
"Cops enforce the corrupt laws of the government" Ok this one I thought would be my favorite. I only just today heard one that angers me more than this one... but we'll get to that. Your entire objection here is based on the corruption of our leaders. You blame those who are simply doing their job. Can you even come up with those specific laws? Even during prohibition cops were better liked than they are now. What the hell guys? But here's the kicker, if you hate cops for this reason, you have no choice but to also hate our troops. Our troops are under the command of our government. They're conditioned to follow orders issued by our government. Failure to do so carries even worse punishment than when cops do it. So if you hate cops, you must hate our troops too.
Now for the worst one... the one single comment that angered me so much I had to write this blog.
"They took me to jail when I got my DUI." Ok... first off... were you drunk at the time? Oh you were... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!!!!!! Ok, news flash into the type of person I am. I have lost too many people to drunk driving. I've seen too many tears shed over those deaths. Tried to console too many friends who lost a loved one. I have no respect for you if you're driving drunk and then hold a grudge on the cop for picking you up. I never say this to people, so understand how much disgust and sheer rage I have for you when I say this. If you drive drunk and act like it's the cop's fault for catching you, then delete me from facebook, if I try to contact you just tell me no. I don't want to have anything to do with you. There's a part of me that wants to tell you to just eat a bullet instead, that way you only kill yourself, but I'm not that angry yet. Just don't do it... please...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Cabin Fever
Despite having 5 already, soon I hope to start at least one more additional blog. It will be with the blogs associated with my gmail address. So for those of you who care (the whole 3 of you that read the gmail blogs) it will join The Crazed Nerd and The Starving Writer. Working title for the one I'm definitely going to do is "The Restaurant Stranger." Once my lovely knee heals, I want to live out one of my ideas of an adventure and on some weekends, go and eat at some random restaurant. I hope to either have a sign asking people to join me, or simply ask them myself (the former gives me braver people) to join me. I want to talk and get to know these people and write a blog about it.
Now comes the question. Why? Well to be honest... I want to bring my old adventurous self back. The one that would randomly go up to people in college and start friendships. The one who was always up for some random trip somewhere in Sioux City with whomever wanted to go. The one I lost somewhere my sophomore year in college... when I became jaded, cold, and reserved.
I miss the flair for life I used to have. At first I thought this was me being nostalgic, or just having cabin fever from being stuck inside with my knee in a brace. No... this is something... stronger. I'm feeling more regrets in my life. I'm feeling a lot darker... I don't like it... at all. I want that electric charge of the unknown again. I want to stop feeling like I'm living a shell of a life and want to get to the heart of the matter. I want to make someone's day just a little more memorable and positive.
I've been grappling with my choir decision as well. On the one hand, I don't like the idea of not directing the choir in Garner, I do truly enjoy it. However, I also want to start becoming involved in a church that sees me as something other than the minister's son. I'm also looking into volunteer efforts... but so far...
It might be cabin fever... I don't know... What I do know, I'm so sick to death of the shell... I want the heart of life too!
Now comes the question. Why? Well to be honest... I want to bring my old adventurous self back. The one that would randomly go up to people in college and start friendships. The one who was always up for some random trip somewhere in Sioux City with whomever wanted to go. The one I lost somewhere my sophomore year in college... when I became jaded, cold, and reserved.
I miss the flair for life I used to have. At first I thought this was me being nostalgic, or just having cabin fever from being stuck inside with my knee in a brace. No... this is something... stronger. I'm feeling more regrets in my life. I'm feeling a lot darker... I don't like it... at all. I want that electric charge of the unknown again. I want to stop feeling like I'm living a shell of a life and want to get to the heart of the matter. I want to make someone's day just a little more memorable and positive.
I've been grappling with my choir decision as well. On the one hand, I don't like the idea of not directing the choir in Garner, I do truly enjoy it. However, I also want to start becoming involved in a church that sees me as something other than the minister's son. I'm also looking into volunteer efforts... but so far...
It might be cabin fever... I don't know... What I do know, I'm so sick to death of the shell... I want the heart of life too!
Friday, March 7, 2014
The Realm of the Supervillain
"Here's the real truth. There are eight million people in this city, and those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people on their shoulders."
Interesting quote... keep that in your mind while you're reading this.
My middle school social studies teacher was a good man. He knew his subject well (even better than the textbooks sometimes). One thing he showed me has always stood with me. We were discussing the class system of ancient Egypt. No surprise that the graph was a pyramid. The slaves making up the largest chunk of the population and each class getting smaller and smaller until the Pharaoh on top. He asked us what we thought the perfect society should look like. We all threw out the pyramid model. He explained that an ideal society keeps the vast majority of its society in the middle. Now I've always thought that seemed like a fair idea, but let's see where we're at now.
Ah... the 99% vs the 1%. Is there ever such a lovely sound as a budding class conflict? Now let's look at a company. There are many low level employees, they are the lowest paid group in this company. Then there are their supervisors, slightly more paid and slightly fewer of them. Then their supervisors, and then their supervisors, so on and so on. The pattern holding up to the CEO at the top. Looks like a pyramid. However, if a company takes good care of its bottom rung, you'd be amazed how it can grow. But here's the thing, when a company gets too big... it can treat its bottom rung like crap and not be affected. I know how well Casey's treats its bottom rung employees. I also know how badly other companies treat theirs. I have to say that Casey's does right by its employees... Wal-mart really doesn't...
I discussed the idea of the CEO treating their employees horribly or cutting salaries just to maintain their own financial security with some other people. I was immediately labeled a communist and told to go back to Russia. That's what we do in this country apparently, we don't listen and we wonder why nothing gets done. Here's my issue: should there be such a disconnect between employee and CEO? Now don't get me wrong, CEO's should be paid a good chunk higher than the bottom rung employee, they have more stress (in most cases) and more responsibility. Should they be paid so high as to enter the area of parody?
Now I remember this guy... he went around making business deals and closing down companies. His way of doing this destroyed millions of jobs, but he donated a large sum to charity every year. He kept ending jobs and earning more from doing it. However, it was all perfectly legal, so no one could say anything to him. He was untouchable, ruthless, and showed no signs of stopping. Now... am I talking about a businessman we might see today? or am I talking about Lex Luthor... is there a difference?
We have entered a time when those who refuse to help those in need are admired. We have people who think the poor are poor because they choose to be poor. We've rationalized it so we view people as being poor because they're wasting their money on drugs. They're lazy and therefore don't try to get jobs. We walk by them and ignore them. They come to our places of business and we look down on them. They're beneath us. We talk around the water cooler about the person who bought bread, cheese, meat, and (dun Dun DUN!) pop on their EBT card. We lack empathy. We don't even try to put ourselves in their shoes, because we worked hard to get where we are... it is they who wouldn't last in our shoes. The world owes us for our hard work damnit!
I have friends with college degrees who make 3 times more what I do, but there also those with degrees who would love to make what I do. I've learned there are two kinds of people that emerge from college. The degree hunters and the education hunters. The education hunters emerge from college with the most valuable skill of all, the ability to learn. To them, the college experience was about more than a piece of paper, it was about the ability to expand who they are. They take this ability into the world and learn more from the world than college could ever teach them. The degree hunters, however, feel entitled. They have their almighty degree and are done learning, they know all there is to know. The world shows them differently. Don't believe me? I know people with master's degrees in business that can't do my job... because they refuse to learn.
It all comes down to that sense of entitlement. That "I am better" mentality. I've talked to some people about the idea of the masses lifting the few on their shoulders. They tell me that's how It's supposed to be. So now I finally remind you of the quote in the beginning. If you truly agree with that sentence, well then look in the mirror, maybe you'll start talking to yourself in a horrible Willem Dafoe impression. You are the Green Goblin. You've entered the realm of thinking like a supervillain. Just hope the world doesn't make a Spider-man.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
You Will Fail
No matter what we do, we will fail.
No matter how hard a doctor may try to save your life, eventually, one will fail. No matter how funny a comedian is, one joke will not be laughed at. The most skilled musician will always miss a note somewhere. Michael Jordan was on the losing team hundreds of times. No matter how hard I try, I will end a sentence with a preposition, even though a preposition is a terrible thing to end a sentence with.
Lindsey Stirling is a musician who I was aware of in a kind of peripheral sense. There are lots of youtube musicians I watch (a few even earn subscriptions from me), and she does collaborative work with them. It wasn't until just recently I decided to take a look at her solo stuff. I have to say, she's good, even earned my subscription (the only others that have earned that are The Piano Guys and Smooth McGroove). So I became curious, where did this siren of the strings come from. (oops another preposition)
Turns out she was on America's Got Talent. Well this is interesting. Now those who know me know that I seldom enjoy this show. The acts are either horrible, or the ones that show true promise are dismissed... usually by Piers. It's not about finding that one person every year, it's about laughing at everyone who failed before. (damn prepositions).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2xL7D5lPAk
I post this link not to laugh at her final audition, but to point out that she failed. She did not proceed to the next round, as far as America's Got Talent was concerned, she was done. Well it turns out that the judges were incorrect in their assessment of her. She has a huge youtube following and goes on tours all over the world. On that one audition, however she failed.
Gene Roddenberry had a vision of a much brighter future. He felt that humanity would one day actually achieve world peace and would begin to use our collective knowledge to explore space. Upon meeting other life forms, we would share our knowledge and further explore the universe. He felt this would make a good idea for a television show. The networks... disagreed with him. Failure #1. Eventually he managed to convince NBC to give him backing for a pilot. So came "The Cage." Well the network execs saw it, but didn't pick up the show. Failure #2. They did agree to let him try again, so "Where No Man Has Gone Before" was born. The network picked it up and thus began Star Trek. Well... after 2 years, NBC moved the show to the Friday night death slot and slashed their budget. Failure #3. If you watch those episodes from the third season, you do see where their budget was cut, and some episodes actually made it creative, others... well let's just say "Spock's Brain" had issues that had nothing to do with budget. The Show was canceled. Failure #4. Roddenberry tried to resurrect his idea with Star Trek: Phase II. The Networks refused. Failure #5. Well the company that owned the Star Trek franchise decided to make a motion picture. The movie was released... and critics panned it. Failure #6. Well the powers that be again decided to give it another go, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan hit the theaters. Widely regarded as one of the best productions in all of Star Trek. Today, Star Trek is in the world records as largest fan base, but it failed so many times to even begin.
So I tell you, you will fail. It is inevitable. Success, fortunately, is not determined by how many times you've fallen beforehand, but how few times it kept you down. You will only truly fail if you do nothing. That is nothing more than guaranteed failure. So do not give up. Eventually you will have one small instance, when you fail to fail.
No matter how hard a doctor may try to save your life, eventually, one will fail. No matter how funny a comedian is, one joke will not be laughed at. The most skilled musician will always miss a note somewhere. Michael Jordan was on the losing team hundreds of times. No matter how hard I try, I will end a sentence with a preposition, even though a preposition is a terrible thing to end a sentence with.
Lindsey Stirling is a musician who I was aware of in a kind of peripheral sense. There are lots of youtube musicians I watch (a few even earn subscriptions from me), and she does collaborative work with them. It wasn't until just recently I decided to take a look at her solo stuff. I have to say, she's good, even earned my subscription (the only others that have earned that are The Piano Guys and Smooth McGroove). So I became curious, where did this siren of the strings come from. (oops another preposition)
Turns out she was on America's Got Talent. Well this is interesting. Now those who know me know that I seldom enjoy this show. The acts are either horrible, or the ones that show true promise are dismissed... usually by Piers. It's not about finding that one person every year, it's about laughing at everyone who failed before. (damn prepositions).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2xL7D5lPAk
I post this link not to laugh at her final audition, but to point out that she failed. She did not proceed to the next round, as far as America's Got Talent was concerned, she was done. Well it turns out that the judges were incorrect in their assessment of her. She has a huge youtube following and goes on tours all over the world. On that one audition, however she failed.
Gene Roddenberry had a vision of a much brighter future. He felt that humanity would one day actually achieve world peace and would begin to use our collective knowledge to explore space. Upon meeting other life forms, we would share our knowledge and further explore the universe. He felt this would make a good idea for a television show. The networks... disagreed with him. Failure #1. Eventually he managed to convince NBC to give him backing for a pilot. So came "The Cage." Well the network execs saw it, but didn't pick up the show. Failure #2. They did agree to let him try again, so "Where No Man Has Gone Before" was born. The network picked it up and thus began Star Trek. Well... after 2 years, NBC moved the show to the Friday night death slot and slashed their budget. Failure #3. If you watch those episodes from the third season, you do see where their budget was cut, and some episodes actually made it creative, others... well let's just say "Spock's Brain" had issues that had nothing to do with budget. The Show was canceled. Failure #4. Roddenberry tried to resurrect his idea with Star Trek: Phase II. The Networks refused. Failure #5. Well the company that owned the Star Trek franchise decided to make a motion picture. The movie was released... and critics panned it. Failure #6. Well the powers that be again decided to give it another go, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan hit the theaters. Widely regarded as one of the best productions in all of Star Trek. Today, Star Trek is in the world records as largest fan base, but it failed so many times to even begin.
So I tell you, you will fail. It is inevitable. Success, fortunately, is not determined by how many times you've fallen beforehand, but how few times it kept you down. You will only truly fail if you do nothing. That is nothing more than guaranteed failure. So do not give up. Eventually you will have one small instance, when you fail to fail.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Crash
I'm coming off my pain meds... and judging by the pain I've been feeling, that's too soon. Last night was awful, not a wink of sleep. Have you ever had a night when some part of your body did nothing but torture you, and all you had to pass the time was your thoughts? My thoughts turned on a great deal of subjects, and well... it wasn't the shiny night to a good day I was hoping for. In fact... the whole night started downhill when a friend called me... crying her eyes out. I am not complaining that they called me. You all know that I do my best to listen when a friend needs me. I am, however, incredibly angry that it had to happen this way. I want her to know that she is one of my most treasured friends, that I will stand by her forever, and that I'm sorry for what she's going through.
I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I absolutely despise some members of my gender. They treat women like objects and run them off the market for the rest of us who actually care. I can't tell you how angry this makes me. So I vented to another person about these emotions... and got that oh so wonderful response: "I don't think you really do know how to treat a woman, I mean, you're still single." Really? REALLY?!
Now folks, when I'm coming off pain meds, my body reacts differently than most others do. For some reason, one week for me is like 6 months for other people. When I come off pain meds, my whole attitude on life crashes. My usual bright take on things is replaced by a far more depressing tone. Things that usually don't bother me disturb me greatly. I get sent into an artificial depression and my skin isn't so thick anymore.
That one hurt.
Now you guys know me. I'm not the kind of guy who has to have a girl, any girl, so long as he has a girl. I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. Now if only I could find one who fits that category and likes me too :P. That does not mean I don't get lonely from time to time. Now I'm already angry because of how one of my friends was treated by her ex (it better be ex, not current or we're having another phone call), then when I go to you for some emotional support so I can help her you basically tell me I don't treat women right because I'm still single? I pride myself on how I treat my friends... and I thought you understood that. Maybe I've just been had all along.
By the way guys, if you're reading this one (especially on blogger) and you compare it to my others, this one is gonna completely lack structure... sorry. But on the subject of how that waste of genetic material treated his girlfriend. WHAT THE HELL MAN?! You had an amazing woman, but that wasn't good enough for you?! When you have found someone you truly care about, and they truly care about you, you can find yourself in a whole new place.
I have a lot of random adventures I want to do someday. I don't want to just see Iowa, I want to see the world. I want to meet all kinds of new people. I want to hear people's amazing stories. I hunger for it, I can't live without it. Someday, maybe I'll find someone who will want to do these things with me. When I do... you can bet I'll never hurt her like that. We will have too many stories to share, and far too many to discover. I pity you.
By the way, go to gamejolt and look up a game called a purr tale... with the crash I'm in... it brought tears to my eyes.
I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I absolutely despise some members of my gender. They treat women like objects and run them off the market for the rest of us who actually care. I can't tell you how angry this makes me. So I vented to another person about these emotions... and got that oh so wonderful response: "I don't think you really do know how to treat a woman, I mean, you're still single." Really? REALLY?!
Now folks, when I'm coming off pain meds, my body reacts differently than most others do. For some reason, one week for me is like 6 months for other people. When I come off pain meds, my whole attitude on life crashes. My usual bright take on things is replaced by a far more depressing tone. Things that usually don't bother me disturb me greatly. I get sent into an artificial depression and my skin isn't so thick anymore.
That one hurt.
Now you guys know me. I'm not the kind of guy who has to have a girl, any girl, so long as he has a girl. I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. Now if only I could find one who fits that category and likes me too :P. That does not mean I don't get lonely from time to time. Now I'm already angry because of how one of my friends was treated by her ex (it better be ex, not current or we're having another phone call), then when I go to you for some emotional support so I can help her you basically tell me I don't treat women right because I'm still single? I pride myself on how I treat my friends... and I thought you understood that. Maybe I've just been had all along.
By the way guys, if you're reading this one (especially on blogger) and you compare it to my others, this one is gonna completely lack structure... sorry. But on the subject of how that waste of genetic material treated his girlfriend. WHAT THE HELL MAN?! You had an amazing woman, but that wasn't good enough for you?! When you have found someone you truly care about, and they truly care about you, you can find yourself in a whole new place.
I have a lot of random adventures I want to do someday. I don't want to just see Iowa, I want to see the world. I want to meet all kinds of new people. I want to hear people's amazing stories. I hunger for it, I can't live without it. Someday, maybe I'll find someone who will want to do these things with me. When I do... you can bet I'll never hurt her like that. We will have too many stories to share, and far too many to discover. I pity you.
By the way, go to gamejolt and look up a game called a purr tale... with the crash I'm in... it brought tears to my eyes.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Craving I've Never Satisfied.
It might be the painkillers... they've always affected me differently than other people. It might be me being stuck in a house for at least 2 weeks. Maybe the story I've been trying to work out is creeping into my mind. Maybe I'm going insane. Whatever the reason, I've discovered a need in my soul that really hasn't been fed.
Adventure
I think that's why I signed up for that mission trip. Sadly, I had to cancel my participation in this trip due to my assistant manager taking her vacation the same time, (she had the lot booked for over a year... so I didn't have the heart to pull rank on this minor issue). But today, I discovered a profile that had a phone number on it. In fact it kind of dared you to contact it. So I found myself unable to resist the unknown and texted... we'll call her Jenny (for my music friends). We only exchanged maybe a dozen messages, but it was still fun. It was something outside my usual routine and comfort zone. I loved it.
It led me to realize something my life has been missing for quite a while... if it ever had it to begin with. I want that sense of adventure again. I look back at my life... and I realize I'm going to have many regrets if I don't change something quick. I went to a college less than 30 miles from my high school. I did have that adventure to Europe in college, so that's something, and a mistake when adding someone to windows messenger led to one of my favorite random friends... who lives in London. I guess that's something. I look back at my previous relationships. The only one that even came close to any sense of random adventure was that time Amanda and I decided in one afternoon to take a random trip to Sioux City. I actually had more fun with her on that trip than I did most of the time I was dating her, no fault on either our parts, that's just how it goes.
So now I find myself... thinking of random adventures I'd like to go on when I find that special someone. This also kind of alters the type of girl I'm looking for. The kind, smart, but meek girl... doesn't really seem attractive to me anymore. I mean I still look for kindness and intelligence and all that stuff... but now I want adventurous. I want someone who will decide how much gas/food/money/days off we are willing to spare, then go off in some direction until we've used half of it, just to see what we see. I want us to randomly pick numbers, then use those numbers on an atlas to find page number and map grid... then go to the closest city. I want to take her to a small town with a local cafe, then sit at a table with a sign saying "We want to get to know you, please join us and talk to us."
One of my dear friends introduced me to Humans of New York. This is truly an amazing thing. The thing I love is, not everyone has some profound or meaningful thing to say. Some of it is just silly, some just... wtf? But the thing I love? It's real people. People going about their lives, going to their jobs, meeting new friends, hanging out with old friends. It makes me realize how interesting this little blue marble is. I want to see it. I want someone who is willing to see it with me.
I'm still trying to work on stories and my stand up act... don't tell my mother, she thinks I've given it up, when really I just want to do it at my own pace. It's something that pushes me, that stretches me. If my knee doesn't heal... it really will push me hard. But it's something exciting...
I want adventure... Carpe Diem!!!
Adventure
I think that's why I signed up for that mission trip. Sadly, I had to cancel my participation in this trip due to my assistant manager taking her vacation the same time, (she had the lot booked for over a year... so I didn't have the heart to pull rank on this minor issue). But today, I discovered a profile that had a phone number on it. In fact it kind of dared you to contact it. So I found myself unable to resist the unknown and texted... we'll call her Jenny (for my music friends). We only exchanged maybe a dozen messages, but it was still fun. It was something outside my usual routine and comfort zone. I loved it.
It led me to realize something my life has been missing for quite a while... if it ever had it to begin with. I want that sense of adventure again. I look back at my life... and I realize I'm going to have many regrets if I don't change something quick. I went to a college less than 30 miles from my high school. I did have that adventure to Europe in college, so that's something, and a mistake when adding someone to windows messenger led to one of my favorite random friends... who lives in London. I guess that's something. I look back at my previous relationships. The only one that even came close to any sense of random adventure was that time Amanda and I decided in one afternoon to take a random trip to Sioux City. I actually had more fun with her on that trip than I did most of the time I was dating her, no fault on either our parts, that's just how it goes.
So now I find myself... thinking of random adventures I'd like to go on when I find that special someone. This also kind of alters the type of girl I'm looking for. The kind, smart, but meek girl... doesn't really seem attractive to me anymore. I mean I still look for kindness and intelligence and all that stuff... but now I want adventurous. I want someone who will decide how much gas/food/money/days off we are willing to spare, then go off in some direction until we've used half of it, just to see what we see. I want us to randomly pick numbers, then use those numbers on an atlas to find page number and map grid... then go to the closest city. I want to take her to a small town with a local cafe, then sit at a table with a sign saying "We want to get to know you, please join us and talk to us."
One of my dear friends introduced me to Humans of New York. This is truly an amazing thing. The thing I love is, not everyone has some profound or meaningful thing to say. Some of it is just silly, some just... wtf? But the thing I love? It's real people. People going about their lives, going to their jobs, meeting new friends, hanging out with old friends. It makes me realize how interesting this little blue marble is. I want to see it. I want someone who is willing to see it with me.
I'm still trying to work on stories and my stand up act... don't tell my mother, she thinks I've given it up, when really I just want to do it at my own pace. It's something that pushes me, that stretches me. If my knee doesn't heal... it really will push me hard. But it's something exciting...
I want adventure... Carpe Diem!!!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Please Stop... Your Ignorance is Painful...
Ok... as many of you know, I've started making the online dating rounds. It can be rather difficult to meet someone when your whole life is spent running a convenience store (or having to keep your leg elevated because you blew out your knee... like these 2 weeks). I did this hoping I might find a few people who at the very least would be new friends. Well there are a few that I've actually enjoyed talking to, some I've kind of clicked with (nothing serious though, thank God). So I figured I am having the time of my life talking to people... lately life has a way of waiting until I'm confident, then BAM!
I was talking to one on a certain christian dating site... and of course that lovely issue of gay marriage comes up. Now I am actually not happy discussing this with people, not because I'm ashamed of my views, but because I consider it an obvious thing. It's like debating if blacks should be slaves again. Ummm... do I really have to answer that? So I state my view that homosexual marriage is not an abomination, and if gays want to marry, we should let them.
Oh. Dear. God.
First came the Bible quotes. Now if you guys know me, you know that Bible thumping will not get you anywhere with me. You can throw all the Old testament you want at me... it won't change my mind and will simply make me lose respect for you. Congrats, you are demonstrating the exact behavior Jesus had to go up against. You pray loudly so all may hear you. You preach the letter of the law at the expense of the spirit of the law. Go ahead, use the Bible, a book intended to profess love and acceptance of all people, to profess your hate and disgust at a group of people. Next you can use Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham to profess the horrors of trying new things, and explain that we should never expand our horizons.
Next came the attempts at a logical, philosophical argument on the ethics of gay marriage.
...................
Try me.
....................
Then finally... one final stab at hitting my emotional responses. "If you can't imagine two gays making love without it disgusting you, you can't be for it."
This is by far the most interesting attempt I've ever experienced. I could write a whole blog just about my own little crisis with this argument... but here's the thing. It's very premise is flawed. If something disgusts you, it must be wrong.
Picture your parents creating you.
I'm guessing most of you either didn't picture it because... ew... the rest... ew...
If that doesn't work... your grandparents making your parents.
Somewhere down this line... you have to feel kind of disgusted... but if it weren't for these acts, you would never exist. So if it's wrong, your very existence is wrong.
Then she blocked me. My only regret is that I didn't get to block her first.
I was talking to one on a certain christian dating site... and of course that lovely issue of gay marriage comes up. Now I am actually not happy discussing this with people, not because I'm ashamed of my views, but because I consider it an obvious thing. It's like debating if blacks should be slaves again. Ummm... do I really have to answer that? So I state my view that homosexual marriage is not an abomination, and if gays want to marry, we should let them.
Oh. Dear. God.
First came the Bible quotes. Now if you guys know me, you know that Bible thumping will not get you anywhere with me. You can throw all the Old testament you want at me... it won't change my mind and will simply make me lose respect for you. Congrats, you are demonstrating the exact behavior Jesus had to go up against. You pray loudly so all may hear you. You preach the letter of the law at the expense of the spirit of the law. Go ahead, use the Bible, a book intended to profess love and acceptance of all people, to profess your hate and disgust at a group of people. Next you can use Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham to profess the horrors of trying new things, and explain that we should never expand our horizons.
Next came the attempts at a logical, philosophical argument on the ethics of gay marriage.
...................
Try me.
....................
Then finally... one final stab at hitting my emotional responses. "If you can't imagine two gays making love without it disgusting you, you can't be for it."
This is by far the most interesting attempt I've ever experienced. I could write a whole blog just about my own little crisis with this argument... but here's the thing. It's very premise is flawed. If something disgusts you, it must be wrong.
Picture your parents creating you.
I'm guessing most of you either didn't picture it because... ew... the rest... ew...
If that doesn't work... your grandparents making your parents.
Somewhere down this line... you have to feel kind of disgusted... but if it weren't for these acts, you would never exist. So if it's wrong, your very existence is wrong.
Then she blocked me. My only regret is that I didn't get to block her first.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Becoming What We Despise (Don't Blame Arizona)
Many of you know elements of my personal life. Many of you know that I joke about how much better my life would have been without the state of Arizona. Now that half my friends who even have a passing connection to AZ have stopped reading this, I'll use a disclaimer. I do not believe the people of Arizona have a secret plot to make my life more difficult, but it seems like a lot of negativity seems to come to me from people from that state (keep reading, it gets better I assure you).
First, I lost a couple of my best friends over something as stupid as an election. In 2008, Obama ran against McCain, a senator from AZ. As many of you know, I supported (still do... to a lesser extent) Obama. Well some of these friends ended the friendship simply because they couldn't be friends with someone who didn't support McCain. I found their choice of wording interesting, it wasn't that I supported Obama, but that I didn't support McCain. Now folks, I have cousins who are my exact opposite in political terms. The only things they agree with the democrats on are the things I disagree with them on, etc. Now if politics is ever brought up on facebook or at a family get-together, we might get angry with one another, maybe even stop talking the rest of the night. But folks, at the end of the day, we realize we're still cousins. We may disagree, but we're family... it happens. So this one took me off guard.
Then came Amanda. Now those of you who know this story understand, but suffice it to say, the last few months did not go well, then when she returned to her home state of Arizona, what little was left fell apart. Granted we did try, but still. Now her best friend did suggest the idea of her return to AZ, and I know her family didn't really hate the idea, but is the distance and the people of AZ to blame? How about my assistant when I first started managing my store. He was an AZ native who wasn't exactly the greatest of assistants, but he wasn't god awful. We did find some common ground when his ex (also from that lovely state) destroyed his heart, so we used to joke about AZ women. How about the law that was recently declared unconstitutional that allowed law makers to pull over vehicles they believed had illegal immigrants... for no reason other than that belief.
Now that I've lost all the AZ readers, I do want to take this time to mention it is an alarming coincidence how many people have brought negativity to my life from that lovely state, but I in no way blame the state or its people. It's like the statistic that red cars are pulled over more often than other colors, that doesn't mean that red cars are unsafe. I bring this up so people realize that I might joke that Arizona is a source of much suffering, but I don't believe it. Which brings me to an interesting argument.
Recently, Arizona legislators have begun the process to pass a law that is now being referred to as the "turn away the gay" law. In essence, the law allows AZ business owners to refuse service to people who violate their religious beliefs. Now a discussion on freedom of religion or separation of church and state would take someone with much more time than me, so I'm not going to debate those points. I'm not going to debate the references to segregation and not allowing people of color to sit at the counter. I am going to discuss how appalling this is. Not the law, but how people have reacted to it.
Now let's get one thing straight, you all know I am in full support of equal rights for the LGBT community. So I want to make it clear that I find this law horrible... almost as horrible as the outcry against it. Now I see some people who are protesting it correctly. But there are others... I have some friends who yell out against the state and all its inhabitants. Now come on... how many of us agree with EVERY SINGLE law our state has passed, much less debated. Do not punish the whole state for something their legislators are doing. I am about to say something I've never before thought I'd say... George Takei, don't be a biggot. There are business owners in AZ who now face the issue of living in a state they don't agree with, but being boycotted by it. I run a convenience store with diesel fuel... in the home town of Winnebago. Every summer Winnebago holds a big event for the members of its club. How do you join? by simply owning a Winnebago RV. Needless to say Forest City gets incredibly busy as people from all over come to our tiny little town. Now... what if the Iowa government passed some horrible law and everyone boycotted our little state. We'd lose that, I'd lose that, and possibly my job. Even if I completely disagreed with the law.
Now I won't get in to the idea of representative politics, because no matter what, you'd still be punishing the business owner for the simple fact he lives in those borders. I understand your thoughts. I used to boycott Chik-fil-a because its CEO is not a decent person. But who am I harming? The poor college student working the grill on the weekends so he can afford to get his education and make the world better. The manager who's trying to run a successful business and take care of 3 kids because his wife up and left him for their marriage counselor. The cashier who's just found out she's pregnant and her husband just had a car accident, but she won't find that out until after work because cell phones are against company policy.
If you're in AZ, and you come across a business actually turning away gays, I urge you to leave and find somewhere else to go. Some businesses have even come up with a humorous, turn away the legislators spin on the law. But when you condemn the whole for the idiocy of some of its parts, even the majority, you are becoming worse than the idiots you fight against. Don't boycott the whole state, please. Arizona is as diverse as any other state, so please focus your attacks. I still have friends there who hate this law as much as you do. Don't hurt them, please.
First, I lost a couple of my best friends over something as stupid as an election. In 2008, Obama ran against McCain, a senator from AZ. As many of you know, I supported (still do... to a lesser extent) Obama. Well some of these friends ended the friendship simply because they couldn't be friends with someone who didn't support McCain. I found their choice of wording interesting, it wasn't that I supported Obama, but that I didn't support McCain. Now folks, I have cousins who are my exact opposite in political terms. The only things they agree with the democrats on are the things I disagree with them on, etc. Now if politics is ever brought up on facebook or at a family get-together, we might get angry with one another, maybe even stop talking the rest of the night. But folks, at the end of the day, we realize we're still cousins. We may disagree, but we're family... it happens. So this one took me off guard.
Then came Amanda. Now those of you who know this story understand, but suffice it to say, the last few months did not go well, then when she returned to her home state of Arizona, what little was left fell apart. Granted we did try, but still. Now her best friend did suggest the idea of her return to AZ, and I know her family didn't really hate the idea, but is the distance and the people of AZ to blame? How about my assistant when I first started managing my store. He was an AZ native who wasn't exactly the greatest of assistants, but he wasn't god awful. We did find some common ground when his ex (also from that lovely state) destroyed his heart, so we used to joke about AZ women. How about the law that was recently declared unconstitutional that allowed law makers to pull over vehicles they believed had illegal immigrants... for no reason other than that belief.
Now that I've lost all the AZ readers, I do want to take this time to mention it is an alarming coincidence how many people have brought negativity to my life from that lovely state, but I in no way blame the state or its people. It's like the statistic that red cars are pulled over more often than other colors, that doesn't mean that red cars are unsafe. I bring this up so people realize that I might joke that Arizona is a source of much suffering, but I don't believe it. Which brings me to an interesting argument.
Recently, Arizona legislators have begun the process to pass a law that is now being referred to as the "turn away the gay" law. In essence, the law allows AZ business owners to refuse service to people who violate their religious beliefs. Now a discussion on freedom of religion or separation of church and state would take someone with much more time than me, so I'm not going to debate those points. I'm not going to debate the references to segregation and not allowing people of color to sit at the counter. I am going to discuss how appalling this is. Not the law, but how people have reacted to it.
Now let's get one thing straight, you all know I am in full support of equal rights for the LGBT community. So I want to make it clear that I find this law horrible... almost as horrible as the outcry against it. Now I see some people who are protesting it correctly. But there are others... I have some friends who yell out against the state and all its inhabitants. Now come on... how many of us agree with EVERY SINGLE law our state has passed, much less debated. Do not punish the whole state for something their legislators are doing. I am about to say something I've never before thought I'd say... George Takei, don't be a biggot. There are business owners in AZ who now face the issue of living in a state they don't agree with, but being boycotted by it. I run a convenience store with diesel fuel... in the home town of Winnebago. Every summer Winnebago holds a big event for the members of its club. How do you join? by simply owning a Winnebago RV. Needless to say Forest City gets incredibly busy as people from all over come to our tiny little town. Now... what if the Iowa government passed some horrible law and everyone boycotted our little state. We'd lose that, I'd lose that, and possibly my job. Even if I completely disagreed with the law.
Now I won't get in to the idea of representative politics, because no matter what, you'd still be punishing the business owner for the simple fact he lives in those borders. I understand your thoughts. I used to boycott Chik-fil-a because its CEO is not a decent person. But who am I harming? The poor college student working the grill on the weekends so he can afford to get his education and make the world better. The manager who's trying to run a successful business and take care of 3 kids because his wife up and left him for their marriage counselor. The cashier who's just found out she's pregnant and her husband just had a car accident, but she won't find that out until after work because cell phones are against company policy.
If you're in AZ, and you come across a business actually turning away gays, I urge you to leave and find somewhere else to go. Some businesses have even come up with a humorous, turn away the legislators spin on the law. But when you condemn the whole for the idiocy of some of its parts, even the majority, you are becoming worse than the idiots you fight against. Don't boycott the whole state, please. Arizona is as diverse as any other state, so please focus your attacks. I still have friends there who hate this law as much as you do. Don't hurt them, please.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A Chance to Grow
I am forever thankful that I live in Forest City.
Let me explain. I used to pride myself in being outgoing. Every year in college I tried to welcome the new freshmen as best I could and really get to know them. After college though... I started feeling depressed. While I was living in Ames and working at the pawnshop, I actually regressed into a hermit. I would pass up invitations from my coworkers to hang out, something I still regret to this day. My whole social life consisted of the small group of people I'd see at the pawnshop, customer or employee. I started feeling completely alone, yet I didn't want to change it. It was killing me. After I moved, I figured maybe I'll be able to fix myself. Surely where I move to will have lots of friends for me!
Garner and I... well we have issues. Don't get me wrong, there are many great people that live in this town... but there's this attitude in the air... this... conceited attitude. You can almost smell the arrogance in the air. It overwhelms you so you don't notice the jewels that it truly does have. It is here I vowed to try and reverse my loner ways, and I did slowly make progress... but eventually it got even worse. I can't breathe as an introvert. But for some reason... I just didn't want to make a connection with anyone in Garner. I didn't want to become friends with them... One of the local factories had employees that came to the store I worked at and made me feel like scum. They treated me like dirt. They were factory workers in a town they felt would die without their factory, thus I should bow down to them. I was some lowly convenience store worker, not worth the effort it would take to spit on. Now it's not fair to say everyone was that way, or even everyone from the same factory. But listen to this, one guy from said factory came in drunk and started causing a scene, one of the employees felt threatened when he grabbed her, so naturally the boys in blue were called. Because the police took the worker in to jail for the night, our store had a boycott from some members of the same factory... sigh... Every shift at that store started to wear thin... then I got stuck with overnights and donuts... then I wound up working every shift possible at least once a week. My body didn't know when to sleep... essentially... my soul was dying.
I go into detail so much with Garner so you may understand how close I was to giving up. My social life hit rock bottom, I called out for support and got rejection. I kept reaching to move up, but was always shot down, which made me wonder if I truly mattered to anyone. When my life started to lose focus and meaning, I went to my then girlfriend for support, and when I got less than I wanted, I lashed out and lost her. Every so often I still feel a small twinge of pain over that. Thankfully I've moved past it since, but at that time... it felt like everything was falling apart. As my insomnia came back (thanks in no small part to the most irregular work schedule ever created), I actually did contemplate ending it. My mental strength was all but gone, I felt like my life had peaked, like there was nothing left but a useless husk...
Then I remembered one day while I was working at Fareway. A small autistic boy was with his mother buying groceries. I was putting the groceries in her car when the boy grabbed my arm. He looked me deep in the eyes and said "you're meant for something more." It's amazing how your subconscious knows when you're about to destroy yourself, because it forced that memory on me. I wept for a long time, hours in fact. I decided to keep pushing. As the schedule kept beating me down, I kept feeling weaker and weaker. But I remembered that boy, and I pushed forward, sometimes due to nothing more than simple curiosity. Somehow... I made it another month... then two... and just as I was beginning to lose hope again... I got a phone call from my manager.
About half a year before this, Kum and Go had changed their business model. They wanted to keep stores only near major traffic routes, so they sold an additional forty-some stores to Casey's. There was a Kum and Go two blocks from the Casey's in Forest City, but it was a package deal, so Casey's now had two stores very close together (some towns they were right across the street.) The size of this Kum and Go prevented them from adding a kitchen without extensive remodeling (read: demolish and rebuild), but Casey's kept it going. Now this store has been having as much luck keeping managers as Hogwarts keeps defense against the dark arts teachers. Most recently, my manager had been training the new one, and after the training sent the new manager to her new store. A week later my manager informs us she has to go "retrain" this woman on Monday. Actually... she was there to fill in as the new manager was let go...
So here comes a phone call. "Hey Luke, are you still interested in a management position with Casey's?"
"Sure, what did you have in mind?" She explained the situation of the new manager being dismissed. I figured they were finally going to promote their assistant and I'd be up for the assistant manager's job.
"Well we figure without a kitchen to worry about, this is a perfect starter store to test out a potential manager's skills."
"So you'd promote Kyle and I'd take his job?"
"No... actually the open position is for taking over the store."
"Oh... OH!... Ok..."
"The catch is... you have to live in Forest City."
Well after filling out a application and landing an interview, I got the call in mid July that as of the 22nd of that month, the store would be mine. Let me tell you something... that was a GIANT boost to my confidence. But also, upon moving to Forest City, I've discovered something...
I wrote in my last blog (or note if you're reading this on fb), about how much I love my customers. How much happier I am working at this store than my last. But let me take that a step further. Forest City may not have everything, but one thing it is definitely not lacking in, is great people. I have people who come in and have their morning coffee with me. I mean that, they will stay for 20 minutes and talk to me while drinking their coffee and watching me work. I remember as a kid, we'd go to a grocery store and Dad would see someone he knew and would strike up a conversation with them, and I always wondered if I'd ever know enough people to do that. Well I go to Bill's or Shopko, and a lot of times, I will see someone I know. We'll talk and it won't be talking to me as the manager of one of the Casey's. They talk to me as a person. After I gave the subway here a 2nd try, they made my tuna sub perfectly. Not only that, but if I know the person working, odds are they're aware that they're going to make a tuna sub, and they're going to do it in a way they've never done it before as I've got 7 different varieties. (I still recommend adding marinara if you haven't tried it... but also try sriracha). I show up at shooters for their pasta bar on tuesday, and several waitresses come out of their way to talk to me. It's not that I'm special, it's that their just that friendly.
The only reason I come to Garner is my choir. I do truly enjoy directing the choir, but I'm beginning to have doubts. Part of me really wants to resign and go to church in Forest City. Again, don't misunderstand me. The Garner UMC is full of truly great and friendly people. There's just... I am beginning to feel that perhaps I need to not go to the church of which my father is the pastor. I need to leave Garner in the past. I feel like Forest City is giving me the best chance to grow I've had to college, and this time I'm not so stupid to let that go. I am unsure of where to go from here... I still wish I had that crystal ball...
Let me explain. I used to pride myself in being outgoing. Every year in college I tried to welcome the new freshmen as best I could and really get to know them. After college though... I started feeling depressed. While I was living in Ames and working at the pawnshop, I actually regressed into a hermit. I would pass up invitations from my coworkers to hang out, something I still regret to this day. My whole social life consisted of the small group of people I'd see at the pawnshop, customer or employee. I started feeling completely alone, yet I didn't want to change it. It was killing me. After I moved, I figured maybe I'll be able to fix myself. Surely where I move to will have lots of friends for me!
Garner and I... well we have issues. Don't get me wrong, there are many great people that live in this town... but there's this attitude in the air... this... conceited attitude. You can almost smell the arrogance in the air. It overwhelms you so you don't notice the jewels that it truly does have. It is here I vowed to try and reverse my loner ways, and I did slowly make progress... but eventually it got even worse. I can't breathe as an introvert. But for some reason... I just didn't want to make a connection with anyone in Garner. I didn't want to become friends with them... One of the local factories had employees that came to the store I worked at and made me feel like scum. They treated me like dirt. They were factory workers in a town they felt would die without their factory, thus I should bow down to them. I was some lowly convenience store worker, not worth the effort it would take to spit on. Now it's not fair to say everyone was that way, or even everyone from the same factory. But listen to this, one guy from said factory came in drunk and started causing a scene, one of the employees felt threatened when he grabbed her, so naturally the boys in blue were called. Because the police took the worker in to jail for the night, our store had a boycott from some members of the same factory... sigh... Every shift at that store started to wear thin... then I got stuck with overnights and donuts... then I wound up working every shift possible at least once a week. My body didn't know when to sleep... essentially... my soul was dying.
I go into detail so much with Garner so you may understand how close I was to giving up. My social life hit rock bottom, I called out for support and got rejection. I kept reaching to move up, but was always shot down, which made me wonder if I truly mattered to anyone. When my life started to lose focus and meaning, I went to my then girlfriend for support, and when I got less than I wanted, I lashed out and lost her. Every so often I still feel a small twinge of pain over that. Thankfully I've moved past it since, but at that time... it felt like everything was falling apart. As my insomnia came back (thanks in no small part to the most irregular work schedule ever created), I actually did contemplate ending it. My mental strength was all but gone, I felt like my life had peaked, like there was nothing left but a useless husk...
Then I remembered one day while I was working at Fareway. A small autistic boy was with his mother buying groceries. I was putting the groceries in her car when the boy grabbed my arm. He looked me deep in the eyes and said "you're meant for something more." It's amazing how your subconscious knows when you're about to destroy yourself, because it forced that memory on me. I wept for a long time, hours in fact. I decided to keep pushing. As the schedule kept beating me down, I kept feeling weaker and weaker. But I remembered that boy, and I pushed forward, sometimes due to nothing more than simple curiosity. Somehow... I made it another month... then two... and just as I was beginning to lose hope again... I got a phone call from my manager.
About half a year before this, Kum and Go had changed their business model. They wanted to keep stores only near major traffic routes, so they sold an additional forty-some stores to Casey's. There was a Kum and Go two blocks from the Casey's in Forest City, but it was a package deal, so Casey's now had two stores very close together (some towns they were right across the street.) The size of this Kum and Go prevented them from adding a kitchen without extensive remodeling (read: demolish and rebuild), but Casey's kept it going. Now this store has been having as much luck keeping managers as Hogwarts keeps defense against the dark arts teachers. Most recently, my manager had been training the new one, and after the training sent the new manager to her new store. A week later my manager informs us she has to go "retrain" this woman on Monday. Actually... she was there to fill in as the new manager was let go...
So here comes a phone call. "Hey Luke, are you still interested in a management position with Casey's?"
"Sure, what did you have in mind?" She explained the situation of the new manager being dismissed. I figured they were finally going to promote their assistant and I'd be up for the assistant manager's job.
"Well we figure without a kitchen to worry about, this is a perfect starter store to test out a potential manager's skills."
"So you'd promote Kyle and I'd take his job?"
"No... actually the open position is for taking over the store."
"Oh... OH!... Ok..."
"The catch is... you have to live in Forest City."
Well after filling out a application and landing an interview, I got the call in mid July that as of the 22nd of that month, the store would be mine. Let me tell you something... that was a GIANT boost to my confidence. But also, upon moving to Forest City, I've discovered something...
I wrote in my last blog (or note if you're reading this on fb), about how much I love my customers. How much happier I am working at this store than my last. But let me take that a step further. Forest City may not have everything, but one thing it is definitely not lacking in, is great people. I have people who come in and have their morning coffee with me. I mean that, they will stay for 20 minutes and talk to me while drinking their coffee and watching me work. I remember as a kid, we'd go to a grocery store and Dad would see someone he knew and would strike up a conversation with them, and I always wondered if I'd ever know enough people to do that. Well I go to Bill's or Shopko, and a lot of times, I will see someone I know. We'll talk and it won't be talking to me as the manager of one of the Casey's. They talk to me as a person. After I gave the subway here a 2nd try, they made my tuna sub perfectly. Not only that, but if I know the person working, odds are they're aware that they're going to make a tuna sub, and they're going to do it in a way they've never done it before as I've got 7 different varieties. (I still recommend adding marinara if you haven't tried it... but also try sriracha). I show up at shooters for their pasta bar on tuesday, and several waitresses come out of their way to talk to me. It's not that I'm special, it's that their just that friendly.
The only reason I come to Garner is my choir. I do truly enjoy directing the choir, but I'm beginning to have doubts. Part of me really wants to resign and go to church in Forest City. Again, don't misunderstand me. The Garner UMC is full of truly great and friendly people. There's just... I am beginning to feel that perhaps I need to not go to the church of which my father is the pastor. I need to leave Garner in the past. I feel like Forest City is giving me the best chance to grow I've had to college, and this time I'm not so stupid to let that go. I am unsure of where to go from here... I still wish I had that crystal ball...
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