Doomed to Repeat

Have you ever thought what it was like to make decisions on who to hire? You've got a stack of applications and you get to pick a handful to interview, then one or two to offer a job to. My supervisor once told me, "If you think you are a good judge of character, just wait until you make hiring decisions that backfire on you." This is actually very true. But one thing that I always look at is that criminal history question. If you've got theft or a violent crime in there, I don't hire you. Now here's the thing... should this one mistake they made be theirs to bear for all time? It's like Valjean from Les Mis. He stole a loaf of bread and can't escape his mistake.

When someone makes a mistake, we always associate them with this mistake. This is so much more powerful than any accomplishments they have made. When I say John Travolta, most people will think of how he couldn't pronounce a name rather than any movie role he was in. If I mention George Lucas, a lot of you think of him as the man who ruined Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks... not as the man who created it. Mitt Romney made one comment about the 47% and the election became a class war.

Here's the problem, if all we see when we look at people are their mistakes, they don't see any way to escape them. Remember Joel Schumacher? He directed A Time to Kill? It was a good movie based on a good novel. In fact, many of his early works were actually pretty good. Then came Batman and Robin. Even Mr. Schumacher knew that movie sucked. Well then, every single movie he directed, people saw it through bat-blinders. They didn't see him as a competent director any more, and it shows in the quality of his later movies. I have friends who say that they don't care what anyone thinks of them. They've made mistakes because they are human after all. But even as they claim not to care what others think of them, people reacting to them like their mistake is their defining characteristic seems to make them repeat it. They feel like they can't escape it, so why bother. Then they're thrown in to a new area, where people don't know their past, and suddenly they're a changed person.

I've had this happen to myself. I am far from perfect, farther than most I would argue. People have pointed out to me that I am much stronger in my professional life than I am in my personal life. They comment how strong a head I have on my shoulders and how confident I am. Well my personal life I can sometimes be the complete opposite. Why? People in my personal life know most of the mistakes I've made and see me as a collection of those mistakes it feels like. When I make a mistake at work, it is addressed, repaired as much as possible, learned from, and moved past. This has allowed me to grow much faster at things I do for work. However, when it comes to my non professional life, I feel like mistakes get plastered on me. I can go months without slipping, but the whole time I'm treated like I'll snap back at any moment. I feel like I can't grow, I'll always be looking over my shoulder. Then after months of improvement, I have a breakdown. I stop believing in myself and cave in to whatever I was trying to avoid. This usually has dramatic and costly consequences. Then the mess is cleaned up, but now it's just one more time it's been repeated, which is one more notch on my back... soon I'll look like Mr. Zsasz from Batman.

I still remember the first time I learned to lie. I was in a situation I had 0 control over, but was getting punished for it. Imagine a similar situation. Say you given an electric shock every time the Vikings lost a football game. You would try every tool in your arsenal to help the Vikings win. When they lost, you'd get shocked. You would wonder why this was happening. Were you simply not trying hard enough? Before long, the vikings' record became part of your identity. You'd stop caring about the vikings and would just want the shocks to stop. You'd watch the game just to see if you were getting shocked the next day. Then a day came when you realized you were the only one who saw the game the night before, and the vikings lost last night. They ask you whether the vikings won or lost. How would you answer? You tell them they won, and it hits you, if you can somehow keep this up, you might never get shocked again. Well the lack of super bowl participation gives up the fact that vikings didn't have a perfect season. And one internet search finds you out. Then you're shocked twice as hard plus all the shocks you missed. Now you're branded a liar, and that's when things get bad. They're still not watching the games, and they still ask you how the vikings did. You answer honestly every time, but when the vikings win, and you tell them that, they don't believe you because you lied that one time. So they shock you for good measure. After a while, you realize you'll never escape that one mistake (if it even was one) so you just stop caring, because you'll never go far with half your brain electrocuted away.

This is what happens, life beats us down and we make mistakes. When we become defined by our mistakes, we become doomed to repeat them. I knew a girl who was branded a slut. She made one mistake and it stuck with her for years. If she was branded a slut, she might as well behave like one. She slept around, but then she met someone who saw something more. He didn't treat her like she was easy, and he knew she had flaws, but he didn't define her by them. He actually treated her like a person with respect. Oh sure there were a lot of people claiming she would two time him... but he didn't listen, and always made a point of making sure she was not a mistake. Well... she never did two time him. She was no longer defined by her mistake. Amazing how that works!

So next time you are dealing with someone who is less than perfect, remember that you yourself are just as flawed. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. If you treat someone like a mistake they've made defines them, history is simply doomed to repeat itself.