It's weird to think about our past loves sometimes. Yet when we do look back, free from the emotions that corrupted our thoughts in the past, we really learn a lot about ourselves. I look back and I realize the type of person I am, as well as who I fall for usually.

I'm the guy who falls hardest when it's for my best friend. I forge multiple friendships and we're all close, but then there's always one that stands out. I don't know if the friendship evolves farther because of the feelings, or if the feelings develop because the friendship evolves farther. Maybe it's like the chicken and the egg. What I do know is that I've never had a lasting friendship you could call my "best" friend. Somewhat because I moved all the time as a kid, some because I'm a social pariah. I think one of the main causes though is the relationship that develops enters "no going back" territory... and then tries to go back. Four times in my past I've fallen for my best friend, three of those times the friendship was devastated. The fourth time was actually different, the only instance we salvaged it and built it better than before... but that required a LOT of effort on both our parts.

I've learned that I need some stronger feelings than just a simple crush before I start a relationship with someone. I can count three times in my life I started a romantic relationship with someone who I only had a minor crush on... and the longest one of these lasted a month. One lasted 3 days. (though I'm not sure if you can even call that a relationship...) I don't know if it's because I don't know these women as well and massive personality conflicts start, or if a relationship is trying to get built when there's nothing strong enough there, or what the deal is. I've never had one work out, they all end the same way, one person trying to salvage what may not have ever been there to begin with. Casual dating is one thing, but until you've got strong enough feelings to start to build something on don't jump the gun. It never works... ever.

There are two relationship from my past that define my skepticism about love. They're the reasons I have trust issues. I won't let you in to the depths of my soul until you convince me you're going to treat me better than these two. What's sad is I am actually still friends with one, but as far as ever dating her again, fuck that. These two are the ones that I opened up to completely and had my heart incinerated. In both instances they betrayed me, refused to acknowledge the betrayal for what it was, acted like betraying me was my fault, expected me to make all the sacrifices and refused to compromise on anything, When told about some of my crazy dreams in life, they'd mock me. They'd close themselves off from me, start confiding in other guys which led to the previously mentioned betrayal, but they'd have a fit if I wasn't willing to talk to them about why I'm feeling down today, even if it's something stupid. If you close off on me, I tend to do the same, sorry it's what happens. If I ever am with a woman for a length of time and she makes me feel like she would never do any of these things... that's the one I'll be with forever.

Now looking where I'm at now as well as the past I realize something... The women who have made the most profound impact on my soul, the relationships that have molded me... all have one thing in common. It took me forever to admit that I had feelings for them. It's usually a case of everyone else seeing it before me. I will know I have feelings for them, but I never tell myself that. I'll feel that sense of joy when they've accomplished something and are happy about it, but that's just pride in a friend. I'll smile just by looking at the name on my phone when they text or call me before I even know what they're going to say, but that's just because I like to talk to them. I go to bed thinking about someone, wake up still thinking about them... nope just... strange subconscious. I eventually want to do everything I can to make them happy, they deserve to reach their goals, even if they don't need my help... or have someone else beside them when they do, I want them to reach their dreams... well that's just being a good friend. That someone beside them though... I'd really like that to be me. Well that's just... ummm... ah crap. That's when I fall and fall hard. I can't get anything right, I'm trying to be funny and charming and can't pull them off to save my life. Sad thing is... it's just happened to me again.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I've fallen hard for someone but they're so far above my league it's laughable. They just got out of a relationship and they've already got guys trying to win them over, I'm a minnow in a shark tank it feels like. If any guy wins her over though and then betrays her... you will beg for something as sweet as pain by the time I'm through with you...