That's not to say I didn't see anyone, however. I got in touch with Mike and we grilled steaks and discussed the goings on in our lives. We played some video games, laughed at our spectacular failings, and drank mountain dew. It was like old times, but without that looming threat of class over our heads. It was a blast! I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I think part of it was that I could just relax and hang out. I've not been able to do that with people lately, too much floating through my mind, so this was a much needed break. I also spent some time with Tracey. While it was great having a guys night with Mike, it was also great spending time with a girl and not worrying about dating issues. I could again just be me and not have to worry about that little voice in my head second guessing everything I say. Just hanging out with some girls is something I really haven't done since college, and it was nice to feel that way again. However, Tracey and I still discussed online dating issues...
Online dating... what in the... Ok... we all know that Luke is not the most skilled guy when it comes to winning and keeping the hearts of the opposite sex... but wow... just... wow. The whole thing was falling apart for me. I would log in, and if I got any nibbles, it was always a response to something I sent, and usually a "not interested" thing. Sometimes I'd get someone... not sane. The whole thing was simply not working out. Well that kinda changed.
I had recognized her from the store and tried messaging her but my internet was funky so it didn't work. Figured I'd try later. Well... she beat me to it. So I started talking to her, and it's been a lot of fun. It's been fun flirting with someone I actually kind of like, rather than that innocent, just trying to make you laugh, flirting I do with everyone else. I figure that at the very least, I've got a new friend. Will we keep talking? I hope so. Will we start something more? Who knows. Right now, I'm enjoying the ride and life is really starting to click again.
I went back through my old blogs and journals today. I reached the point when things started looking darker and darker. This is when I found out the woman I'd been sharing a bed with was hitting on another guy, to the point of talking about being friends with benefits with him... while still "dating" me. I read through them and saw that all too familiar darkness creep in. I saw my attempts to forgive her to keep that darkness at bay. I saw my struggles against something I knew was a lost cause. I saw the entries from right after it failed. I saw all the "woe is me" stuff. One thing caught my eye. I wrote:
I feel as though I've been thrown into darkness. I was in a valley heading towards a cave. I tried to turn away from the cave but I'm trapped in that valley. I want to turn around or at least stay where I'm at, but the unstoppable force of time pushes me closer to that cave. Then it happened, that cave I knew was coming but could not avoid engulfed me. I turn to the entrance, but there is nothing but a stone wall there now. I have few options. I want to throw myself against the wall, to burst back into the area I know. Yes there was pain there, but there was light. I know that the wall will not move. No amount of strength will get me back there. I want to stay where I am. This darkness pierces my very soul. I do not feel like I can go on. I do not know if there is even a way out, I do not see light coming from an exit. I see only darkness. I take my third option. I will walk one foot in front of another. I do not know if I will find an exit, I do not know if this pain will leave me. I do know that I will push on until my legs collapse. The darkness can not claim me without a fight. I have faith in the light that awaits me. I may not know where it is, I may not even see it, but that faith shall move me forward when everything else tries to keep me back.
I wrote that just under a year ago. It hits me that it has been over a year since that part of my soul was ripped out of me. It also hits me that in that year my life has grown far more than it has in the past 4 since college. I've made some new friends, felt some heartache, broke a few hearts, (believe it or not). But this one year has seen me grow into someone new. I'm not the person who wrote that entry, I'm not the person who used to play games with Mike, I'm not the person who had incredibly awkward and inappropriate conversations with Tracey. I am those things and more.
I drove around Morningside College and it's undergone some radical changes too. New buildings that are skyscrapers compared to the others. There are still parts that make it Morningside, but it is definitely not the same college I went to. Morningside has grown, new professors have come and gone. The same is said for my old high school. Kingsley-Pierson is different now. All these changes... but this is how life works.
My life is ever changing, ever moving. I see this now more clearly than ever. I spent time with old friends whose lives are also changing. These were the people who helped make me into who I am today. I noticed while I was hanging out with Mike after eating with Tracey, some of my friends will continue to shape who I am even now. But the biggest thing I learned this weekend will stay with me forever:
My life is finally moving forward.
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