Ok... I'm on vacation in Branson, MO and things are weird. Emotionally I mean, but things are nonetheless weird. Some good and some bad.
I guess I'll start with the good. I'm actually having fun going to all the shows and stuff here. My best friend is moving back to the area from Minnesota. During some of the darker moments of the past couple years, she was instrumental in keeping me sane. I am really glad I'll be able to see her in person again! Speaking of good friends, Amanda and I have been talking a lot more lately. We've actually talked on the phone for several nights. I didn't realize how much I missed having a close friendship with her. The wonderful thing about this is that there aren't any other emotions to muck it up. I'm really glad she and I are finally starting to go back to where our friendship used to be.
Now I'm going to say something to some certain people I know read this blog. You may know what happened to that relationship, you have your opinions. I know most of you feel I should just tell her to leave me be and block her. Thing is... the people closest to me understand me. They know how my brain works. They know that my friendship with Amanda actually gives me strength now, much like Brenda or Lyssa. The friendship strengthened by the ashes of the relationship is invincible. Those are so precious, so leave me alone.
Besides, I'm going to need them. A Darkness is coming back into my life. I thought I was done with it, but I wasn't even close. It's putting m insomnia into overdrive. I think I've gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past week, and I'm getting less every day. Last time this happened, I almost destroyed my life. Now... I'm scared. Only my closest friends the past year know what I'm talking about. I hope I can survive this again... I want to go through it with my friends, but I also want to do it alone, lest they see that side of me. I'm so unsure of what to do... I think for now I'll do what I always do, try to help the people I love out at any cost. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell each of them what they really mean to me... especially one in particular...
If you try to talk to me about this and I raise my shields, please don't be offended. There's such a small number I'd trust with these more intimate details about me. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe someday I'll open up to you. Fair warning: if you even try to push me after I've sealed up... You will receive the backlashes to end all backlashes. Don't even try, you won't like it.
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