Where am I going?
What the hell am I doing?
I can't do this...
My funds are nowhere near where I'd need them to be to go back to school. I'm out of my league here, I don't have the time... I don't know if I can do this.
Maybe that will be what's different this time. I won't take it for granted. Last time I went to college, I basically just assumed I would get the degree and didn't think I had to work overly hard at it. Well those of you who are going for or have earned degrees know that this is the farthest thing from the truth. With an appreciation of the degree comes a respect for it. With that respect comes a sense of preparedness. But am I ever going to be truly prepared?
I haven't been on here in a while. Work is taking it out of me. My boss has no freaking clue how to schedule people so I wind up working at least once or twice each shift every week. I don't mind getting up early (well not much) or not getting to bed late. What I do mind is working the morning one day, then night the next, followed by another morning, then an overnight, followed by a donut shift, followed by an overnight. The constant shift switching is killing me. I have to get out. The best way to do that is with an education.
As many of you know (or rather the one person who will read this... hi, Amanda), I've given up continuing with my music degree. There just isn't as strong a future in it as there is in math. Right now it's a debate between teaching math (and physics?) or actuarial sciences (Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly). I'm really strongly leaning toward teaching, despite the obvious difference in salaries. Actuaries make a crap ton of money, but I need something more meaningful than money. I've lived this far on not even 9 bucks an hour, salary is a mute point. I want to inspire people, this has always been my goal. It's what I wanted with my music, it's what I wanted to do with my writing. It's what I've always wanted to do. I guess I owe that to some of the teachers I had when I was in school.
Where do I want to go? If I had the resources (and hadn't completely messed up my chances with past mistakes), I'd want to get my degree in teaching math and physics. Move to a hospitable area (Wyoming looks interesting). Finally, actually teach my students. Some friends have asked me if I would want to get my master's, perhaps take over some administrative duties of the school. I honestly do not know right now. So for this stage of my life... let's just focus on getting my degree and landing a job.
Here goes nothing...
Friday, October 19, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Caution to the Wind
Last night was perfect. Amanda and I were talking and holding each other, and then we slept together. Now before you go imagining what you're all imagining... we did not have sex. We both agree we want that moment to be special. What wound up happening was better than sex. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. I loved it! When I dated Autumn, we slept together pretty much from day 1, or 3... but it always had to involve some sort of sexual activity. I'm not talking kissing or cuddling, no I mean much more. I hated it. I don't feel that pressure with Amanda. In fact... I don't feel any pressure from her at all.
I've still been semi-guarded around her. Not nearly as much as many of you think I should be I'm sure, but still guarded. Afraid I was going to lose her. She is so amazing it might still happen. Today, however, I am throwing caution to the wind. I am going to fall as hard as possible for her. I love her so much it's scientifically impossible... yet I'm going to love her even more by the end of the night.
Short one today... I'll just say that Amanda and I are soul mates. We should last, I hope we last. Because I can't imagine myself ever being able to love anyone else after her.
I've still been semi-guarded around her. Not nearly as much as many of you think I should be I'm sure, but still guarded. Afraid I was going to lose her. She is so amazing it might still happen. Today, however, I am throwing caution to the wind. I am going to fall as hard as possible for her. I love her so much it's scientifically impossible... yet I'm going to love her even more by the end of the night.
Short one today... I'll just say that Amanda and I are soul mates. We should last, I hope we last. Because I can't imagine myself ever being able to love anyone else after her.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Lost in the Swirl
...I am so incredibly insanely happy right now. I don't care that justin's mom is commenting on Amanda's facebook a little snidely... I don't care that Justin will probably do his best to paint us as some kind of homewrecking couple. Especially considering the only person really in both our lives.... is justin. He will try to egg me on, but while his support system is made up of drug users, mine is made up of strong family, friends, and coworkers. I won't stoop to his level for a fight, that just gives him what he wants. He's not worth the effort.
Amanda on the other hand... is worth any effort.
I don't even know how it happened. I remember seeing her walk up in her minnie mouse costume on Halloween and thinking... damn she's pretty good lookin... justin's lucky, and that was it. I will build friendships, but I will NOT go after a woman who's attached to another man. So time went on and I just kept my distance, even developed a little crush on her best friend at one point. That faded... then Justin did the dumb thing and dumped her. Now I'm at her place, we're just playing a bizarre game poking each other. Then I wound up holding her hand and... time stopped. I squeezed her hand slightly and she squeezed back, the we let go... I can't wait til we hold hands again, then we do...
That's when everything went cloud 900. I'm still there.
I love her, I have for a long time. I am so happy I have her. I keep pinching myself, so far I still feel pain. I will never let her go without a super battle. I give her my mind, body, heart and soul. I can't wait to see where this leads. I love you with all my heart Amanda Gerros!!!!!!!!!!
Amanda on the other hand... is worth any effort.
I don't even know how it happened. I remember seeing her walk up in her minnie mouse costume on Halloween and thinking... damn she's pretty good lookin... justin's lucky, and that was it. I will build friendships, but I will NOT go after a woman who's attached to another man. So time went on and I just kept my distance, even developed a little crush on her best friend at one point. That faded... then Justin did the dumb thing and dumped her. Now I'm at her place, we're just playing a bizarre game poking each other. Then I wound up holding her hand and... time stopped. I squeezed her hand slightly and she squeezed back, the we let go... I can't wait til we hold hands again, then we do...
That's when everything went cloud 900. I'm still there.
I love her, I have for a long time. I am so happy I have her. I keep pinching myself, so far I still feel pain. I will never let her go without a super battle. I give her my mind, body, heart and soul. I can't wait to see where this leads. I love you with all my heart Amanda Gerros!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Nickle
I gave it to her randomly one day at work. It was just a nickle some customer didn't want and I didn't want to put it in my penny tray. So I gave it to her. She still has it. It's just a stupid piece of metal with Jefferson's face on it. But it means so much to me right now. It symbolizes something so much more. I don't know if it did when I first gave it to her, but it sure does now. I gave her my heart, and she has kept it safe. She always will.
We spent another almost 10 hour day together. When I'm with her I am so incredibly happy, you can't begin to understand. When I'm not with her, she dominates my every thought. I am starting to beat back my insomnia because of her, which sounds weird because I always stay up talking to her. I found myself just staring at her several times yesterday (so did she... whoops). I just can't believe this person is willingly in my life. Every time we make eye contact, I freeze. My heart chokes, my lungs stop taking air, and all my brain says is "Oh my lord she's beautiful!"
Justin has no idea what he gave up. No idea what I will refuse to give up. He has no idea what a beautiful flower he tried to trample. If he wants to start harassing me because of all this... bring it. I would spend an eternity in hell for just one more glance at that beautifully perfect smile. She means more to me than anyone else, even myself. Justin thinks he can control who she spends time with, he will be sadly mistaken. Though he did do one thing right, he got her to move over here so she and I could get so incredibly close. Maybe I'll thank him for that next time I see him...
If ever there was a person I have met to make me believe in soul mates or destiny... it would be her. I've never felt this way about anyone before... not even autumn. Makes me realize I've never been in love before... until her. There is not a single cell, one little molecule in my entire body that isn't crazy about her. (yes strange to think that the hair on the back of my neck is crazy about her... but it is somehow) There is no one else I'd rather see, no one else I'd rather spend time with, no one else in my heart but her.
I love you Amanda Gerros. I'll never stop loving you. I'll only love you more with each passing second. I gave her a nickle once... yesterday I gave her a quarter. I promised you the world, now I'm 20 cents closer.
My heart, soul, mind, and body are all yours. Thank you for everything!
We spent another almost 10 hour day together. When I'm with her I am so incredibly happy, you can't begin to understand. When I'm not with her, she dominates my every thought. I am starting to beat back my insomnia because of her, which sounds weird because I always stay up talking to her. I found myself just staring at her several times yesterday (so did she... whoops). I just can't believe this person is willingly in my life. Every time we make eye contact, I freeze. My heart chokes, my lungs stop taking air, and all my brain says is "Oh my lord she's beautiful!"
Justin has no idea what he gave up. No idea what I will refuse to give up. He has no idea what a beautiful flower he tried to trample. If he wants to start harassing me because of all this... bring it. I would spend an eternity in hell for just one more glance at that beautifully perfect smile. She means more to me than anyone else, even myself. Justin thinks he can control who she spends time with, he will be sadly mistaken. Though he did do one thing right, he got her to move over here so she and I could get so incredibly close. Maybe I'll thank him for that next time I see him...
If ever there was a person I have met to make me believe in soul mates or destiny... it would be her. I've never felt this way about anyone before... not even autumn. Makes me realize I've never been in love before... until her. There is not a single cell, one little molecule in my entire body that isn't crazy about her. (yes strange to think that the hair on the back of my neck is crazy about her... but it is somehow) There is no one else I'd rather see, no one else I'd rather spend time with, no one else in my heart but her.
I love you Amanda Gerros. I'll never stop loving you. I'll only love you more with each passing second. I gave her a nickle once... yesterday I gave her a quarter. I promised you the world, now I'm 20 cents closer.
My heart, soul, mind, and body are all yours. Thank you for everything!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Why? Just... Why?
You had the most amazing woman in the world. You got to wake up every morning next to her. You got to see that look of desire on her face, and know it was meant for you. You could hold her in your arms and tell her that everything would be ok and have her sit her head on your chest and know your heart beat for her.
BUT NO!
When we first met, I respected you, I thought you were an ok guy. Time moved on, I revised that opinion to state I enjoyed spending time with you on a personal level, but never on a professional level. Now you have ascended to the rank of my most hated adversary on this little blue marble, and that IS saying something.
Break ups happen. That's not why I'm sitting here wishing to see your face writhed in agony. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. What happens afterwards is up to you. Boy did you fuck up.
You attacked her. You are mentally and emotionally assaulting my best friend. You do not deserve death. I wish I could make you beg for death. I wish I could see nothing but terror in your eyes and then laugh at you. You called her a slut and I wish I could make you choke on your words. I want to cause you so much pain and suffering that you'll beg for the eternal damnation of hell itself as your relief. But... you're not worth it. You're just a scared little boy who will one day realize that the one thing in this life that would have made you happy is gone forever. That is worse than anything I could ever do to you.
Most guys would give anything to be with someone like her. Some will be more specific and will give anything to be with just her. You're going to see that. You're going to learn that the hard way. Have the best life you can... and good luck with that.
BUT NO!
When we first met, I respected you, I thought you were an ok guy. Time moved on, I revised that opinion to state I enjoyed spending time with you on a personal level, but never on a professional level. Now you have ascended to the rank of my most hated adversary on this little blue marble, and that IS saying something.
Break ups happen. That's not why I'm sitting here wishing to see your face writhed in agony. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. What happens afterwards is up to you. Boy did you fuck up.
You attacked her. You are mentally and emotionally assaulting my best friend. You do not deserve death. I wish I could make you beg for death. I wish I could see nothing but terror in your eyes and then laugh at you. You called her a slut and I wish I could make you choke on your words. I want to cause you so much pain and suffering that you'll beg for the eternal damnation of hell itself as your relief. But... you're not worth it. You're just a scared little boy who will one day realize that the one thing in this life that would have made you happy is gone forever. That is worse than anything I could ever do to you.
Most guys would give anything to be with someone like her. Some will be more specific and will give anything to be with just her. You're going to see that. You're going to learn that the hard way. Have the best life you can... and good luck with that.
The World For Her
Yesterday... well I guess now it was two days ago, was an abysmal day at work. Then my overnight I just got off of was even worse. I didn't sleep all day, so about 1 in the morning, I hit a wall (I'm there til 6). I just kept getting worse and worse and worse, my body was falling apart, my muscles aching, my knees threatening to leave their anatomically correct locations, even last week when I was sick I didn't feel this bad. It's all because I didn't sleep. So was it worth it? HELL YES!!!
The reason I didn't sleep all day can be summed up in one word: Amanda. Even factoring in one of my worst days at Casey's yet, today was the very best day of my life! Spain doesn't compare, first kiss doesn't compare, nothing even comes close. If I could pick one day to relive over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, I'd pick today.
Here's how my day went: up, Amanda, more Amanda, even more Amanda, work while secretly talking to Amanda, now bed and writing a blog... about Amanda. In case you were wondering, today was all about my best friend. I couldn't pick a better person to dedicate an entire day to.
I have known for a few months now that she and I were great friends. But the past few weeks... wow. The past 24 years of my life have felt like a jigsaw puzzle and now she's come in and filled in all the blanks. She brings out the best in me, we can talk about everything, anything, or nothing. We once spent 2 hours at McDonald's. Why? We wanted to. Then today (er yesterday now) we spent 3 hours at Burger King, and then like 5 or 6 hours sitting in my van just talking. I've never felt so comfortable around anyone before. I trust her 100% and I would die for her. She's worth more to me than all the money in the universe. I was recently pursuing a job with a higher pay, easy scheduling, all that fun stuff. Granted it was only part time, but still. I decided against it, cuz weird hours or not... I still get to see Amanda.
I wish I could say exactly what makes us click perfectly. But I think it's something only we have. I have never had such a perfect friendship before. I will not have one again. She doesn't judge me. She listens when I need her to. She shares her life with me. She lets me share mine with her. She gives me strength when I need it. She motivates me to be better than I am without making me feel like I am a failure now. Her smile is addictive... her laughter intoxicating. She makes me feel like I am amazing and I don't have to act like anything I'm not with her. When I'm with her there is no outside world, just us. When I'm not with her I'm waiting until I am. She is my best friend. No one else even comes close. I would say I love her, but love is nowhere near strong enough... I *something* you Amanda! I will for all eternity.
The reason I didn't sleep all day can be summed up in one word: Amanda. Even factoring in one of my worst days at Casey's yet, today was the very best day of my life! Spain doesn't compare, first kiss doesn't compare, nothing even comes close. If I could pick one day to relive over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, I'd pick today.
Here's how my day went: up, Amanda, more Amanda, even more Amanda, work while secretly talking to Amanda, now bed and writing a blog... about Amanda. In case you were wondering, today was all about my best friend. I couldn't pick a better person to dedicate an entire day to.
I have known for a few months now that she and I were great friends. But the past few weeks... wow. The past 24 years of my life have felt like a jigsaw puzzle and now she's come in and filled in all the blanks. She brings out the best in me, we can talk about everything, anything, or nothing. We once spent 2 hours at McDonald's. Why? We wanted to. Then today (er yesterday now) we spent 3 hours at Burger King, and then like 5 or 6 hours sitting in my van just talking. I've never felt so comfortable around anyone before. I trust her 100% and I would die for her. She's worth more to me than all the money in the universe. I was recently pursuing a job with a higher pay, easy scheduling, all that fun stuff. Granted it was only part time, but still. I decided against it, cuz weird hours or not... I still get to see Amanda.
I wish I could say exactly what makes us click perfectly. But I think it's something only we have. I have never had such a perfect friendship before. I will not have one again. She doesn't judge me. She listens when I need her to. She shares her life with me. She lets me share mine with her. She gives me strength when I need it. She motivates me to be better than I am without making me feel like I am a failure now. Her smile is addictive... her laughter intoxicating. She makes me feel like I am amazing and I don't have to act like anything I'm not with her. When I'm with her there is no outside world, just us. When I'm not with her I'm waiting until I am. She is my best friend. No one else even comes close. I would say I love her, but love is nowhere near strong enough... I *something* you Amanda! I will for all eternity.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Carrots Always Beat Little Eggs
For those of you who see the message in my title... good job. For the even fewer of you who understand it... you know to run away now. This one ain't gonna be fun...
Today at work there was a tension so high we were all starting to crack. Didn't help that today was truck day. Didn't help that the weather was finally leaning a little more towards a typical Iowa winter. I show up and the first thing that happens is Brandee and Todd getting into a big fight over Todd glazing donuts instead of the other kinds of frosting. He states that he needed the extra time to get so many made, and Brandee kept yelling. Todd pointed out that she did it too, and then made the good for the goose comment. When I told Jess about it, she seemed to almost be congratulating Todd for standing up to her. This leads me to a conclusion... Brandee currently ranks at the lowest of our circle. At work we have a kind of rank system that is outside the actual store chain of command. It's very... high school... but the 2 regular overnight people (Todd and Brandee) usually make up the bottom rung of that ladder. Then again, the fact they work overnights might be either a symptom or a cause of that... I am sure my standing went down a few rungs last week after getting sick for half the week... but I like to think that no one looks at the schedule, sees they're working with me, and immediately hates that day.
So it's already tense, meanwhile, Brandee is still of the opinion she's not coming in tonight because of the inclement weather. Now I've lived in Iowa 20 of the last 24 years of my life. As Iowa winters go, this has been bizarre. Today would be our first REAL snowfall... and it's Jan 20... Usually we get some flurries as early as October, by the end of november, we're covered in white, then it comes and goes in spots until January when we're covered again until lat Feb-mid March... then a freak snow storm in the middle of April just to take away any hope. Had she worked my shift, or even 2nd shift... we'd understand. But by 3rd shift (which starts in an hour and a half @ 10pm) she would be fine. The roads won't be getting any better... heck with people driving, packing down the snow into ice, it's gonna be worse the next few days. I guess I'm gonna have some overnights the next few days... (although I'm already scheduled for one tomorrow lol)
As if that wasn't enough, we're all tense already, and Cody starts making pizzas wrong. Now he's already adjusted the dough roller before, which we stopped him on, (I notice Brandee does it too...) but now he sprays his dough balls with our pan spray... BEFORE THEY GO THROUGH THE PRESS!!! Ironically having the plastic roller means less dough sticks to the pins than a metal one... but that property is reversed when you add freaking pan spray to the equation! It's like multiplying an inequality by -1! (yes a nerdy math comment but just deal with it!) So Jess corrects him, and he still does it, so the Monica corrects him, and he says Brandee showed him how to do that because that's how Forrest City does it... yeah bud Forrest City also lost their cigs for 2 months because they got stung too many times in a certain time period. Not sure you want to emulate their training. Then again we'd be rid of you and it'd only cost the company like 750 dollars... might be worth it. Notice how a lot of our problems stem from her? Yeah I did too. Anyhoo so Monica just tells him to stop doing it that way... and he ARGUES with her!!! Now Monica became our manager after Linda left. Linda was an absolutely terrible manager. Normally I wouldn't complain because she gave me a job, but come on! Don't call corporate and then leave the store with only one employee there... that's against policy 9 different ways. Anyhoo, Monica has been nothing but fair with us. The only problems I've had with her stem from the fact that we're a store in such chaos right now I don't know anyone who can handle it better. Point is... DON'T ARGUE WITH HER!!! DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU!!!
Did I mention it snowed? Well then the truck shows up, and guess what? He has a new conveyor, but the grease froze on it, so its wheels won't turn. So we have to do this with one conveyor. Now since only one of you reading this actually knows, I'll just say it. When truck comes, we set it up with two conveyors going from the truck right to our back door. Well with only one working one... we have to lug the carts outside, drag them in, and get our already slick floor wet. That means anyone of us can slip and fall while trying to maneuver a heavy load... which is just begging to blow my knee out. I hatch a brilliant idea to steal the dishwashing rug and put it by our back door. It's great except since one corner of our back door no longer seals (can you say cold anyone) there is already snow there, and the rug keeps catching our carts and sliding, so we have to put it back... fail... just plain fail. So while doing truck, I accidentally step off the sidewalk into the grass, which is all covered by snow so how was I to know? Well I kinda wrench my knee, but I can't miss anymore work, so I pretend I'm fine and nothing's wrong. It eventually stops hurting but blah! (and my knee got worse before it got better...) So now our carts have snowy wheels, which stops them from turning, which means truck is now twice as hard as it should be. Well while putting some boxes in our cooler, they tip. I don't see it cuz I'm on my way back from putting them there, and they fall and catch me in the back of my other knee... which means I hit the floor on my already hurt knee... Holy hell that hurt! I got up off the floor, no one saw, so I moved on.
Man this one is taking forever to write. I keep breaking down or going evil and wanting to punt kick babies. Anyhoo, so now the unpacking of truck begins. We're completely disorganized, invoices all over the place. So I'm about to go on break, but as I'm on the way to the kitchen to get some food (I've had nothing but some pain meds for a headache all day... so you can imagine what my stomach is doing), Jess sees me and asks that if I'm not busy if I could come back and help her put stuff in our kitchen freezer. I open my mouth to say "I'm going to go on break," what comes out is "Yeah sure, let me grab a pen." WTF! So I help her with that, and decide I'll be damned if I'm going to help with the cooler crap, so I go to the lobby to unpack those totes. Well the first 5 totes I unpack are all on seperate invoices that I don't have. So I get to what I can. Then Mary needs a break, she's pregnant so I am nice. Then she goes outside and smokes... which really REALLY pisses me off! Now with Cody, I already hit the CABLE point... but with that... I went way beyond to a level I did not know before... So then she gets back, I can't look her in the eye or I know I'm going to lose it, so I go and continue on totes. Well we get these plastic blue things that no one has no freaking clue what they are, so I can't mark them off. And then there were the sour skittles...
Time for a lesson, there are things called peg bags that come on truck... they are bags that hang on pegs on our shelves (wow how original). Well 999 out of 1000 times, the little hole they hang on has to be punched out by us. Well this bag was sticking. I couldn't get the hole made... and then... RIP! Sour skittles everywhere... of course it couldn't be nice easy stuff like hershey bars or something. No it had to be freaking skittles! Well obviously Monica is going to have to do a damage item transaction on it, so I put it back and let her know. She tells me, "Well, Luke, now we know why we don't use knives." "I did not use a knife to open that." "Yes you did, Luke, and what did we say about arguing with the manager?" Now I am about ready to explode. I'm all for not arguing over something stupid like pan spray on dough before the press... but this is my competence on the line and there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm going to back down now. Finally Mary comes to bat for me and says I didn't use a knife, and Monica is suddenly ok with it. Now wait just a minute! You don't believe me? The guy who keeps everyone's ass out of the fire when Brandee disappears, or makes sure that the kitchen is always ready for the next person, but you will trust Miss Kill-My-Baby-With-Tobacco? What is wrong this picture?! Now I know I'm about to go psycho and lose my temper, followed closely by my job; I back off. Well the rest of the day goes by without much of a hitch until shift change. I completely mess up my shift drop, put in $250.00 instead of $2.50. Right when I'm done with lottery tickets, someone buys a bunch of them. Stuff like that. So I am ready to go home. My brain is fried, my body weak, and I'm starving. Yay for my pizza! ALL MINE! ...Of course I offer a slice to my best friend, because I'm not heartless ;) (love you Manda!)
So I'm driving home, and my van gets stuck in my parents' driveway. Great. So I grab the shovel and dig my van out and then decide to be helpful and dig out the rest of the driveway. Well when you get near the street, it's all the crap the plows piled up on the side. Most of you know what I'm talking about. Well about the 3rd row, I'm trying to dig through, I hit that spot, and while lifting the huge ammount of snow, I slip. There goes my knee and there goes my back, all in one fell swoop. So I pull myself together, grab my pizza and pop, go in to the house and sit. When I stop being sore, I go out to check on my cat, Funny.
Funny is a part of my family. She's the fattest cat I've ever seen. She used to have such energy and be normal sized until she got ear mites, and my parents decided to never let her out again. Then dad rescued Spot, whom Funny didn't get along with... which made them hate Funny. They tried to give her away without asking me once. Then while I was at college, the poor thing got neglected to the point of becoming anti social. The only three living things she cared about getting attention from were myself, Autumn, and her mother-Furball. Well Autumn obviously hasn't seen her in years, and Furball died last August. She was left alone in my house in Ames for a while, til I brought her to Garner so I could keep an eye on her. Now she is allowed only outside, and while my parents were kind enough to purchase 2 doghouses for her, that is where their kindness ends.
I asked if we could let Funny stay in the house, I'd even make sure to clean up after her so no one would know. My parents declined. Recognize it has been below 0 every day for three days now. When I went out to give her the food and water, she sounded horrible, she's weak, she doesn't look like she has any will to live. I'd be in the same boat if I were in her... paws. I feel so horrible for her, and it's all my fault. If I had just dealt with the bullshit EZPawn put me through, we'd still be living in Ames. I would have gotten to spend Furball's last weeks with her, and Funny would be warm and cozy and have a human to sit by all the time. Now I'm almost 25, living in my parents' basement, with a house that I can't afford Ames rent on (if we moved it to Garner, the rent is over 100 dollars cheaper), being treated like a 15 year old having to ask permission to go somewhere (what the hell?!), with a cat that's at death's door and I can't do anything about it.
If it weren't for meeting Manda or Ally, I'd dedicate my life to building a time machine and going back to fix just that one thing. I'd be in Ames with an absolutely horrible job, but at least I'd be getting paid 8.50 an hour, or be able to properly take care of Funny, or not feel like a failure at everything I do. You two have no idea how much you're worth to me. You're my best friend, and an up-and-coming friend. Thank you for everything!
Wow... 2.5 hours to write this... holy crap...
Today at work there was a tension so high we were all starting to crack. Didn't help that today was truck day. Didn't help that the weather was finally leaning a little more towards a typical Iowa winter. I show up and the first thing that happens is Brandee and Todd getting into a big fight over Todd glazing donuts instead of the other kinds of frosting. He states that he needed the extra time to get so many made, and Brandee kept yelling. Todd pointed out that she did it too, and then made the good for the goose comment. When I told Jess about it, she seemed to almost be congratulating Todd for standing up to her. This leads me to a conclusion... Brandee currently ranks at the lowest of our circle. At work we have a kind of rank system that is outside the actual store chain of command. It's very... high school... but the 2 regular overnight people (Todd and Brandee) usually make up the bottom rung of that ladder. Then again, the fact they work overnights might be either a symptom or a cause of that... I am sure my standing went down a few rungs last week after getting sick for half the week... but I like to think that no one looks at the schedule, sees they're working with me, and immediately hates that day.
So it's already tense, meanwhile, Brandee is still of the opinion she's not coming in tonight because of the inclement weather. Now I've lived in Iowa 20 of the last 24 years of my life. As Iowa winters go, this has been bizarre. Today would be our first REAL snowfall... and it's Jan 20... Usually we get some flurries as early as October, by the end of november, we're covered in white, then it comes and goes in spots until January when we're covered again until lat Feb-mid March... then a freak snow storm in the middle of April just to take away any hope. Had she worked my shift, or even 2nd shift... we'd understand. But by 3rd shift (which starts in an hour and a half @ 10pm) she would be fine. The roads won't be getting any better... heck with people driving, packing down the snow into ice, it's gonna be worse the next few days. I guess I'm gonna have some overnights the next few days... (although I'm already scheduled for one tomorrow lol)
As if that wasn't enough, we're all tense already, and Cody starts making pizzas wrong. Now he's already adjusted the dough roller before, which we stopped him on, (I notice Brandee does it too...) but now he sprays his dough balls with our pan spray... BEFORE THEY GO THROUGH THE PRESS!!! Ironically having the plastic roller means less dough sticks to the pins than a metal one... but that property is reversed when you add freaking pan spray to the equation! It's like multiplying an inequality by -1! (yes a nerdy math comment but just deal with it!) So Jess corrects him, and he still does it, so the Monica corrects him, and he says Brandee showed him how to do that because that's how Forrest City does it... yeah bud Forrest City also lost their cigs for 2 months because they got stung too many times in a certain time period. Not sure you want to emulate their training. Then again we'd be rid of you and it'd only cost the company like 750 dollars... might be worth it. Notice how a lot of our problems stem from her? Yeah I did too. Anyhoo so Monica just tells him to stop doing it that way... and he ARGUES with her!!! Now Monica became our manager after Linda left. Linda was an absolutely terrible manager. Normally I wouldn't complain because she gave me a job, but come on! Don't call corporate and then leave the store with only one employee there... that's against policy 9 different ways. Anyhoo, Monica has been nothing but fair with us. The only problems I've had with her stem from the fact that we're a store in such chaos right now I don't know anyone who can handle it better. Point is... DON'T ARGUE WITH HER!!! DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU!!!
Did I mention it snowed? Well then the truck shows up, and guess what? He has a new conveyor, but the grease froze on it, so its wheels won't turn. So we have to do this with one conveyor. Now since only one of you reading this actually knows, I'll just say it. When truck comes, we set it up with two conveyors going from the truck right to our back door. Well with only one working one... we have to lug the carts outside, drag them in, and get our already slick floor wet. That means anyone of us can slip and fall while trying to maneuver a heavy load... which is just begging to blow my knee out. I hatch a brilliant idea to steal the dishwashing rug and put it by our back door. It's great except since one corner of our back door no longer seals (can you say cold anyone) there is already snow there, and the rug keeps catching our carts and sliding, so we have to put it back... fail... just plain fail. So while doing truck, I accidentally step off the sidewalk into the grass, which is all covered by snow so how was I to know? Well I kinda wrench my knee, but I can't miss anymore work, so I pretend I'm fine and nothing's wrong. It eventually stops hurting but blah! (and my knee got worse before it got better...) So now our carts have snowy wheels, which stops them from turning, which means truck is now twice as hard as it should be. Well while putting some boxes in our cooler, they tip. I don't see it cuz I'm on my way back from putting them there, and they fall and catch me in the back of my other knee... which means I hit the floor on my already hurt knee... Holy hell that hurt! I got up off the floor, no one saw, so I moved on.
Man this one is taking forever to write. I keep breaking down or going evil and wanting to punt kick babies. Anyhoo, so now the unpacking of truck begins. We're completely disorganized, invoices all over the place. So I'm about to go on break, but as I'm on the way to the kitchen to get some food (I've had nothing but some pain meds for a headache all day... so you can imagine what my stomach is doing), Jess sees me and asks that if I'm not busy if I could come back and help her put stuff in our kitchen freezer. I open my mouth to say "I'm going to go on break," what comes out is "Yeah sure, let me grab a pen." WTF! So I help her with that, and decide I'll be damned if I'm going to help with the cooler crap, so I go to the lobby to unpack those totes. Well the first 5 totes I unpack are all on seperate invoices that I don't have. So I get to what I can. Then Mary needs a break, she's pregnant so I am nice. Then she goes outside and smokes... which really REALLY pisses me off! Now with Cody, I already hit the CABLE point... but with that... I went way beyond to a level I did not know before... So then she gets back, I can't look her in the eye or I know I'm going to lose it, so I go and continue on totes. Well we get these plastic blue things that no one has no freaking clue what they are, so I can't mark them off. And then there were the sour skittles...
Time for a lesson, there are things called peg bags that come on truck... they are bags that hang on pegs on our shelves (wow how original). Well 999 out of 1000 times, the little hole they hang on has to be punched out by us. Well this bag was sticking. I couldn't get the hole made... and then... RIP! Sour skittles everywhere... of course it couldn't be nice easy stuff like hershey bars or something. No it had to be freaking skittles! Well obviously Monica is going to have to do a damage item transaction on it, so I put it back and let her know. She tells me, "Well, Luke, now we know why we don't use knives." "I did not use a knife to open that." "Yes you did, Luke, and what did we say about arguing with the manager?" Now I am about ready to explode. I'm all for not arguing over something stupid like pan spray on dough before the press... but this is my competence on the line and there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm going to back down now. Finally Mary comes to bat for me and says I didn't use a knife, and Monica is suddenly ok with it. Now wait just a minute! You don't believe me? The guy who keeps everyone's ass out of the fire when Brandee disappears, or makes sure that the kitchen is always ready for the next person, but you will trust Miss Kill-My-Baby-With-Tobacco? What is wrong this picture?! Now I know I'm about to go psycho and lose my temper, followed closely by my job; I back off. Well the rest of the day goes by without much of a hitch until shift change. I completely mess up my shift drop, put in $250.00 instead of $2.50. Right when I'm done with lottery tickets, someone buys a bunch of them. Stuff like that. So I am ready to go home. My brain is fried, my body weak, and I'm starving. Yay for my pizza! ALL MINE! ...Of course I offer a slice to my best friend, because I'm not heartless ;) (love you Manda!)
So I'm driving home, and my van gets stuck in my parents' driveway. Great. So I grab the shovel and dig my van out and then decide to be helpful and dig out the rest of the driveway. Well when you get near the street, it's all the crap the plows piled up on the side. Most of you know what I'm talking about. Well about the 3rd row, I'm trying to dig through, I hit that spot, and while lifting the huge ammount of snow, I slip. There goes my knee and there goes my back, all in one fell swoop. So I pull myself together, grab my pizza and pop, go in to the house and sit. When I stop being sore, I go out to check on my cat, Funny.
Funny is a part of my family. She's the fattest cat I've ever seen. She used to have such energy and be normal sized until she got ear mites, and my parents decided to never let her out again. Then dad rescued Spot, whom Funny didn't get along with... which made them hate Funny. They tried to give her away without asking me once. Then while I was at college, the poor thing got neglected to the point of becoming anti social. The only three living things she cared about getting attention from were myself, Autumn, and her mother-Furball. Well Autumn obviously hasn't seen her in years, and Furball died last August. She was left alone in my house in Ames for a while, til I brought her to Garner so I could keep an eye on her. Now she is allowed only outside, and while my parents were kind enough to purchase 2 doghouses for her, that is where their kindness ends.
I asked if we could let Funny stay in the house, I'd even make sure to clean up after her so no one would know. My parents declined. Recognize it has been below 0 every day for three days now. When I went out to give her the food and water, she sounded horrible, she's weak, she doesn't look like she has any will to live. I'd be in the same boat if I were in her... paws. I feel so horrible for her, and it's all my fault. If I had just dealt with the bullshit EZPawn put me through, we'd still be living in Ames. I would have gotten to spend Furball's last weeks with her, and Funny would be warm and cozy and have a human to sit by all the time. Now I'm almost 25, living in my parents' basement, with a house that I can't afford Ames rent on (if we moved it to Garner, the rent is over 100 dollars cheaper), being treated like a 15 year old having to ask permission to go somewhere (what the hell?!), with a cat that's at death's door and I can't do anything about it.
If it weren't for meeting Manda or Ally, I'd dedicate my life to building a time machine and going back to fix just that one thing. I'd be in Ames with an absolutely horrible job, but at least I'd be getting paid 8.50 an hour, or be able to properly take care of Funny, or not feel like a failure at everything I do. You two have no idea how much you're worth to me. You're my best friend, and an up-and-coming friend. Thank you for everything!
Wow... 2.5 hours to write this... holy crap...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What Lies Beneath
Friends... I have dedicated much of my time to them. Some turn out to be worth it, others just waste my time. I sit here now with some of my friends going through some bad times. My reactions and emotions to these have really shown me who I truly do consider a friend, who I truly do love vs those who are really just acquaintances.
Manda's going through a really rough time. I won't share the details because that isn't my place, but she's really getting torn up. What is weird is what has been my response. I've had friends go through similar (though not as bad) situations and I tell them I'm sorry and that's it. This time, however, I don't want to stop there. I know it's beyond my power, I know there's really nothing I can do, but... I don't want to stop until she is smiling and the smile is more than skin deep. Every bit of knowledge and experience tells me that I can't do anything, but yet every part of me doesn't want to give up. It's a paradox that I am ignoring. I don't know why... What I do know is this: if you look at a list of people in my life I'd do anything for, you'd find her on the very top of that list. It's not even a competition. We've known each other not even half a year, yet I know that there is no one I trust more, no one I care about more, than her. Even Autumn didn't make it that far. It's like... when she is hurt, I'm hurt too. And I can't change that about us. I don't think I want to change that.
Another friend isn't sleeping. She went through something horrible and now nightmares are coming. If you're close to me, you know I have an intimate experience with this problem. Hell, I'm still having this problem. We aren't really that close, so I haven't jumped in and told her about it yet, but... I want to. Despite the fact that we hardly know each other, I want to share that with her, let her know she's not alone. I want to take the chance... While this isn't as intense a need to change things as it is with Manda, it's still plenty strong. Again... I don't know why... but I don't think I want to change it.
Nicole... I thought of her as my very best friend for over a decade. We had ups and downs but I thought we were always strong enough to get through them. She told me she used to admire that I was the one guy who was nice to her because of some reason other than sex. Well now she tells me that she's upset because she has 2 kids and one has autism and her boyfriend won't have sex with her and she's desperate. Now some of that you know is stuff that won't really work on me. Autumn found out the hard way that sex is not a strong motivator for me, so I would think my best friend would have known this as well. But then even her situation with her kids... I just didn't care. That's your bed, you made it, you can deal with it. It hit me that I had no respect for her. Then her boyfriend read her conversation, got mad at me, and so she blamed me. I really lost all respect for her at that time. But why? Why do I care less about this friendship that I've had for over 10 years than I do about ones barely a year old, one with someone I haven't even met yet!
Most of my college friendships died out. I still talk to a few, but I still feel the void left by the others. Some view me as a failure and they might be right. I did after all leave after 5 years with no degree. And I didn't exactly leave well, just kinda died that last year. The ones who don't view me as a failure, why is that? Lord knows I've given them every reason to, yet Mike still talks to me, just like old times. Brenda has always been a close friend, and continues to dispense her own brand of wisdom. I don't know. Maybe I just need to figure out life while living in the forest alone or something...
Manda's going through a really rough time. I won't share the details because that isn't my place, but she's really getting torn up. What is weird is what has been my response. I've had friends go through similar (though not as bad) situations and I tell them I'm sorry and that's it. This time, however, I don't want to stop there. I know it's beyond my power, I know there's really nothing I can do, but... I don't want to stop until she is smiling and the smile is more than skin deep. Every bit of knowledge and experience tells me that I can't do anything, but yet every part of me doesn't want to give up. It's a paradox that I am ignoring. I don't know why... What I do know is this: if you look at a list of people in my life I'd do anything for, you'd find her on the very top of that list. It's not even a competition. We've known each other not even half a year, yet I know that there is no one I trust more, no one I care about more, than her. Even Autumn didn't make it that far. It's like... when she is hurt, I'm hurt too. And I can't change that about us. I don't think I want to change that.
Another friend isn't sleeping. She went through something horrible and now nightmares are coming. If you're close to me, you know I have an intimate experience with this problem. Hell, I'm still having this problem. We aren't really that close, so I haven't jumped in and told her about it yet, but... I want to. Despite the fact that we hardly know each other, I want to share that with her, let her know she's not alone. I want to take the chance... While this isn't as intense a need to change things as it is with Manda, it's still plenty strong. Again... I don't know why... but I don't think I want to change it.
Nicole... I thought of her as my very best friend for over a decade. We had ups and downs but I thought we were always strong enough to get through them. She told me she used to admire that I was the one guy who was nice to her because of some reason other than sex. Well now she tells me that she's upset because she has 2 kids and one has autism and her boyfriend won't have sex with her and she's desperate. Now some of that you know is stuff that won't really work on me. Autumn found out the hard way that sex is not a strong motivator for me, so I would think my best friend would have known this as well. But then even her situation with her kids... I just didn't care. That's your bed, you made it, you can deal with it. It hit me that I had no respect for her. Then her boyfriend read her conversation, got mad at me, and so she blamed me. I really lost all respect for her at that time. But why? Why do I care less about this friendship that I've had for over 10 years than I do about ones barely a year old, one with someone I haven't even met yet!
Most of my college friendships died out. I still talk to a few, but I still feel the void left by the others. Some view me as a failure and they might be right. I did after all leave after 5 years with no degree. And I didn't exactly leave well, just kinda died that last year. The ones who don't view me as a failure, why is that? Lord knows I've given them every reason to, yet Mike still talks to me, just like old times. Brenda has always been a close friend, and continues to dispense her own brand of wisdom. I don't know. Maybe I just need to figure out life while living in the forest alone or something...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Who Am I? (A One-Sided Look at Where I've Been, and Where I Want to Go)
I doubt anyone will really read this, but when I start a blog site, I always start with where I have been. Then goals, and then through the blog it's a voyage to see if I made it where I wanted.
My name is Luke, I'll be 25 years old in 3 months. I currently live in Garner, Iowa. I work at the Casey's here and we just opened up our full pizza making kitchen on Dec. 28th... We haven't recovered since. I have one extremely fat cat named Funny. She's getting near the end of her mortal line, which really makes me sad. I've been visiting petco a lot to see who I like. If I didn't have a cat, I'd probably have lost it long ago. I also direct my church's choir, and am hoping to write some original music for them to perform at the end of the season.
Well that's where I am now... let's take a look at how I got there. (The Boring Part)
I was born in St. Luke's (ha) Hospital in Sioux City, IA. My mother worked at the Sioux City Journal, and my father had just decided to become a minister. He enrolled in Westmar College in Le Mars, IA a couple years before I was born. He served a United Methodist church in Seney, IA as a student pastor while we lived in a small trailer in Sioux City. I don't have many memories of that time. When I was 3, dad got his Bachelor's degree in Theology (first one in his family) and we moved out west.
Dad enrolled in the Iliff School of Theology in Denver, CO. We lived 130 miles from Denver in a place called LeRoy... which consisted of the church and our house. If you care to know where, it's about 20 miles from Sterling, CO. I started Kindergarten, had my first crush, had my first kiss, all that fun stuff. If you care to know the details, I'll tell them... but this is gonna be long enough as is. After first grade, when I was 7, dad got his master's degree and we returned to Iowa. To Bedford...
I met some good people in Bedford. I had the lead in my first play. (the villain of course). Won best actor in the class for it too (it's better than an oscar). During this time I also learned I loved to write. So many ideas for stories I'm working on now came from games we used to play at recess. This is where I learned my imagination was the one thing no one could ever take from me. Ever. It's also where I was assigned the instrument I thought I hated... the trombone. 5th grade band was starting, and we went through the basics, start with the recorder, learn to read, play for teacher. Then we would go through and try the types of instruments we wanted. I wanted either the saxophone or the trumpet. I could not get the reed to vibrate, and I couldn't get a good sound out of that tiny brass mouthpiece, but the slightly bigger one I played just fine. I remember when she had us listen to a high school rehearsal, she had each instrument play a bit and a show of hands what we wanted to play. No one raised their hand for the trombone... then Mrs. Davis made the announcement... I got the trombone. 4 years at Bedford, then at age 11...
Kingsley, IA... If you ask me where my hometown is... I will tell you it is Kingsley. The only time I ever felt sure of who I am was in Kingsley. This small town 24 miles from Sioux City is why I am who I am today. Finding out that the church was sending us there made my family question a lot. A minister isn't supposed to serve too near his home where he grew up. Kingsley is a 20 minute drive from the farm he grew up on. It's an 8 minute drive from the McCulloch Funeral Home where my mom grew up. So yeah... we were surprised.
I entered the Kingsley-Pierson school district at the start of 6th grade... aka hell. If we followed the trend and only stayed for 3 or 4 years... I'd have hated that town. My first 3 years there nearly drove me to the end. I've never felt like such a failure before then... and I wouldn't again until college. My grades fell apart, a guy at school delighted in tormenting me, and of course we had assigned seating on the bus...so guess who got to sit by him... Band was horrible, they were more advanced than I was. My whole trombone section dedicated itself to making me feel horrible. I had nothing I felt good about. I had no skill I could be proud of, nothing... That's when I found some support... in my dad's church.
The whole church took me under their wing, they had me making peanut brittle, I took piano lessons from our organist who eventually had me cover the church organ for her. I started getting my self confidence back. I wound up outlasting the rest of my section, they just didn't like band anymore. I went from being the black sheep to Mr. Washburn's only choice. I had to carry a whole section myself, so I stepped up my game and took on the rest of Jr. High by the horns.
In high school I was actively involved in the fine arts. I was in speech, drama, band, choir, jazz band, and jazz choir. I had so much fun acting. Doing improv in speech was a special joy for me. Making a whole audience laugh at my bizarre antics like the cast of Whose Line thrilled me. I consistently got I's in improv, and I loved it. I took my ACT, got a composite of 30, which at the time was the highest in KP history. Scored in the 99th percentile on my ASVAB, which had the military trying to offer me a job. I blew out my knee in choir rehearsal... long story. That's an injury that sticks with me still today. I got a I on my Tromone solo my senior year. My reader's theatre group was selected for Iowa All-State Speech honors. I earned the eponymous role in my high school's production of The Nerd. (Look it up, it's a hilarious play). When I took my AP Calc test, they rate you from 1-5. 1 being the lowest, saying you were not ready for more advanced math in college, 5 being the highest... I got a 5. When I went to UNI for a statewide scholarship competition, I got 3rd place, and a whole whopping 500 dollar one time scholarship. Yeah... cheap freaks... Before I graduated another student one year below me earned a 31 on her ACT... grrrr... And I discovered Simpson College...
Simpson College had everything! At the time I was going to study math, and Simpson's math department beat any college I've ever seen, even ISU. Their theater department was fun, the professors who watched my audition made it clear to the math professor that they needed me, so he better get me. Simpson just felt right. But they were slightly higher in price than another college... and well... in the one decision I will always regret for the rest of my life... I picked my pocketbook over my heart. I let my mother's fear of poverty send me in a cycle that would eventually lead to poverty... I chose...
Morningside College. Sioux City... full circle... How I felt in jr. high? Nothing compared to what I would go through here. I did pretty well my first year, only 2 C's... one of which was from who many at the college regarded as the hardest prof. I took a 300 level class that shouldn't even be open to freshmen because it was too hard and aced it. I met new friends in band and life was... well not going up, but hey, it wasn't going down...
Then my 2nd year... when my priorities all went out of order and I started to lose everything. I earned section leader for the Tbones... and that was the one thing I am proud of that year. I met Autumn, and before long fell head over heels for her. She liked another guy... story of my life right there. My attempts to win her kept failing, and I kept pouring more and more of myself into that stupid pursuit... My grades tanked, but I didn't care it was worth it. I finally won her over on New Year's Day 2007, and we started dating, and after a few months of dating, found out that she hadn't really given up on her old flame... That hurts... but I was so blind and stupid that I forgave her. We started drifting apart, I started not caring about anything, my grades tanked even farther to the point that the college was starting to have concerns about me. I didn't care... I hit levels of depression you could not imagine. Then the dream started... one that involved me seeing everyone I care about going through the most grotesque and horrifying death possible... I still have that nightmare today... it is what causes the insomnia I go through. I decided to take back control and wanted to study music. So I switched my major from Math and Philosophy to Music. I loved it, Music theory ranked with my AP Calc class in my list of all time favorite classes. I decided I wanted to compose music. My parents were not so thrilled on the idea, and Autumn said she was but... I still remember going to her for help (she was also a music major, with a few more years' experience) and all she could do was talk about how she couldn't see me being a conductor, or how dumb I was that I couldn't just get my chord names like that.
We broke up for 9 hours one summer, I have my own theories on the behind the scenes battle there, but the next year was dreadful. She became almost like a venom in my veins. I retreated so far inward I had nothing left... but yet... I claimed I still loved her. Despite all the emotional damage I was doing to myself, I was afraid of being alone. I didn't have the guts to end it right there and pull myself out of the gutter. I don't even think you could say we were even dating then, I hardly saw her. I pushed everyone away, but hey... it was worth it right? I again listened to my mother telling me that composition was not going to support a family, so I changed back to math so I could earn the money to support Autumn and myself. Turns out her parents finally used that change against me. They told her I obviously had no direction in life if I kept changing my major, so they convinced her to break it off with me. I don't think I even cried. By then I was already dead inside. My fifth and final year at Morningside, I struggled to assume some type of identity. Most of my friends had been pushed away, and the few that weren't had decided I was nothing. Autumn and I tried to rebuild a friendship, but there were always some weird things. She'd say something that would hurt me, I'd say something that would hurt her. Now we're pretty ok... but then... ugh.
The depression finally hit fully that last semester. After 5 years, Morningside pulls your financial aid, I couldn't finish either of my half degrees so I just kind of gave up. I just stopped trying. I left Morningside with a whimper. Then I tried to enter the job market. Worked as a courtesy clerk for Fareway... for two weeks. Then I found what I thought was my niche. I became a pawnbroker for Mr. Money.
I hated the customers, but loved my job if that makes sense. I thrived. My manager loved me. She told me she had never seen anyone with my work ethic. After 4 months, she promoted me to head pawn clerk. I wanted to manage a Mr. Money store someday. I loved my company. Then they sold out. EZPawn.....
EZPawn at first wasn't so bad, they wanted to keep everything the same... then they changed everything. I lost my promotion. A guy who had walked in our store and met us for 20 minutes decided who should get the equivalent promotion. Everyone else got to keep their current job, I lost mine to someone I trained. I was in the top 100 for pawns per minute in the whole freaking district! I had customers passing on being helped by other clerks in favor of being helped by me. I was known as the compassionate one who never gave up on a customer... And some idiot in Chicago who didn't even spend an hour with us decided to give the promotion to someone else because her sales were higher... Yeah because she ignores the pawn side of the industry... but whatever. Life at the shop became hell and I had it. One day I just snapped and quit... but if you listen to my manager, I was fired.
So now I had no money to keep my house in Ames, no job... nothing... My mom was working for the paper in a town called Garner, and was talking to people at Casey's. It was formerly Kum & Go, but they didn't want the store anymore so they offered to sell it to Casey's. I had a couple summers experience working in a Casey's kitchen, so Teresa, our area supervisor, told my mother to have me apply. I did, got an interview... then nothing. I kept stopping back to see if I got the job. Then right after scheduling another interview with a different company, Linda called and offered me the job. I started immediately and am still there now. A month after that, I took up the reigns of my church's choir. I arranged their first song for them, and then we dove in to our cantata... which they performed beautifully.
While working at Casey's I met my best friend, Manda. She's the one that got me started on this site. Through that friendship have come a couple more, some of them are ok people, a few are freaking amazing. I'm starting to get my confidence level back. My goal to be a composer or comedian... well one is coming true. Some film students have seen my youtube videos and want me to do the music for their films. I keep writing stories or songs just to say I keep writing. I hope to one day write something that inspires someone the way Holst or Crichton or Powell or anyone has inspired me. I hope to have a family and keep my close friends. That is my dream. I'll have to wait and see if I reach it.
My name is Luke, I'll be 25 years old in 3 months. I currently live in Garner, Iowa. I work at the Casey's here and we just opened up our full pizza making kitchen on Dec. 28th... We haven't recovered since. I have one extremely fat cat named Funny. She's getting near the end of her mortal line, which really makes me sad. I've been visiting petco a lot to see who I like. If I didn't have a cat, I'd probably have lost it long ago. I also direct my church's choir, and am hoping to write some original music for them to perform at the end of the season.
Well that's where I am now... let's take a look at how I got there. (The Boring Part)
I was born in St. Luke's (ha) Hospital in Sioux City, IA. My mother worked at the Sioux City Journal, and my father had just decided to become a minister. He enrolled in Westmar College in Le Mars, IA a couple years before I was born. He served a United Methodist church in Seney, IA as a student pastor while we lived in a small trailer in Sioux City. I don't have many memories of that time. When I was 3, dad got his Bachelor's degree in Theology (first one in his family) and we moved out west.
Dad enrolled in the Iliff School of Theology in Denver, CO. We lived 130 miles from Denver in a place called LeRoy... which consisted of the church and our house. If you care to know where, it's about 20 miles from Sterling, CO. I started Kindergarten, had my first crush, had my first kiss, all that fun stuff. If you care to know the details, I'll tell them... but this is gonna be long enough as is. After first grade, when I was 7, dad got his master's degree and we returned to Iowa. To Bedford...
I met some good people in Bedford. I had the lead in my first play. (the villain of course). Won best actor in the class for it too (it's better than an oscar). During this time I also learned I loved to write. So many ideas for stories I'm working on now came from games we used to play at recess. This is where I learned my imagination was the one thing no one could ever take from me. Ever. It's also where I was assigned the instrument I thought I hated... the trombone. 5th grade band was starting, and we went through the basics, start with the recorder, learn to read, play for teacher. Then we would go through and try the types of instruments we wanted. I wanted either the saxophone or the trumpet. I could not get the reed to vibrate, and I couldn't get a good sound out of that tiny brass mouthpiece, but the slightly bigger one I played just fine. I remember when she had us listen to a high school rehearsal, she had each instrument play a bit and a show of hands what we wanted to play. No one raised their hand for the trombone... then Mrs. Davis made the announcement... I got the trombone. 4 years at Bedford, then at age 11...
Kingsley, IA... If you ask me where my hometown is... I will tell you it is Kingsley. The only time I ever felt sure of who I am was in Kingsley. This small town 24 miles from Sioux City is why I am who I am today. Finding out that the church was sending us there made my family question a lot. A minister isn't supposed to serve too near his home where he grew up. Kingsley is a 20 minute drive from the farm he grew up on. It's an 8 minute drive from the McCulloch Funeral Home where my mom grew up. So yeah... we were surprised.
I entered the Kingsley-Pierson school district at the start of 6th grade... aka hell. If we followed the trend and only stayed for 3 or 4 years... I'd have hated that town. My first 3 years there nearly drove me to the end. I've never felt like such a failure before then... and I wouldn't again until college. My grades fell apart, a guy at school delighted in tormenting me, and of course we had assigned seating on the bus...so guess who got to sit by him... Band was horrible, they were more advanced than I was. My whole trombone section dedicated itself to making me feel horrible. I had nothing I felt good about. I had no skill I could be proud of, nothing... That's when I found some support... in my dad's church.
The whole church took me under their wing, they had me making peanut brittle, I took piano lessons from our organist who eventually had me cover the church organ for her. I started getting my self confidence back. I wound up outlasting the rest of my section, they just didn't like band anymore. I went from being the black sheep to Mr. Washburn's only choice. I had to carry a whole section myself, so I stepped up my game and took on the rest of Jr. High by the horns.
In high school I was actively involved in the fine arts. I was in speech, drama, band, choir, jazz band, and jazz choir. I had so much fun acting. Doing improv in speech was a special joy for me. Making a whole audience laugh at my bizarre antics like the cast of Whose Line thrilled me. I consistently got I's in improv, and I loved it. I took my ACT, got a composite of 30, which at the time was the highest in KP history. Scored in the 99th percentile on my ASVAB, which had the military trying to offer me a job. I blew out my knee in choir rehearsal... long story. That's an injury that sticks with me still today. I got a I on my Tromone solo my senior year. My reader's theatre group was selected for Iowa All-State Speech honors. I earned the eponymous role in my high school's production of The Nerd. (Look it up, it's a hilarious play). When I took my AP Calc test, they rate you from 1-5. 1 being the lowest, saying you were not ready for more advanced math in college, 5 being the highest... I got a 5. When I went to UNI for a statewide scholarship competition, I got 3rd place, and a whole whopping 500 dollar one time scholarship. Yeah... cheap freaks... Before I graduated another student one year below me earned a 31 on her ACT... grrrr... And I discovered Simpson College...
Simpson College had everything! At the time I was going to study math, and Simpson's math department beat any college I've ever seen, even ISU. Their theater department was fun, the professors who watched my audition made it clear to the math professor that they needed me, so he better get me. Simpson just felt right. But they were slightly higher in price than another college... and well... in the one decision I will always regret for the rest of my life... I picked my pocketbook over my heart. I let my mother's fear of poverty send me in a cycle that would eventually lead to poverty... I chose...
Morningside College. Sioux City... full circle... How I felt in jr. high? Nothing compared to what I would go through here. I did pretty well my first year, only 2 C's... one of which was from who many at the college regarded as the hardest prof. I took a 300 level class that shouldn't even be open to freshmen because it was too hard and aced it. I met new friends in band and life was... well not going up, but hey, it wasn't going down...
Then my 2nd year... when my priorities all went out of order and I started to lose everything. I earned section leader for the Tbones... and that was the one thing I am proud of that year. I met Autumn, and before long fell head over heels for her. She liked another guy... story of my life right there. My attempts to win her kept failing, and I kept pouring more and more of myself into that stupid pursuit... My grades tanked, but I didn't care it was worth it. I finally won her over on New Year's Day 2007, and we started dating, and after a few months of dating, found out that she hadn't really given up on her old flame... That hurts... but I was so blind and stupid that I forgave her. We started drifting apart, I started not caring about anything, my grades tanked even farther to the point that the college was starting to have concerns about me. I didn't care... I hit levels of depression you could not imagine. Then the dream started... one that involved me seeing everyone I care about going through the most grotesque and horrifying death possible... I still have that nightmare today... it is what causes the insomnia I go through. I decided to take back control and wanted to study music. So I switched my major from Math and Philosophy to Music. I loved it, Music theory ranked with my AP Calc class in my list of all time favorite classes. I decided I wanted to compose music. My parents were not so thrilled on the idea, and Autumn said she was but... I still remember going to her for help (she was also a music major, with a few more years' experience) and all she could do was talk about how she couldn't see me being a conductor, or how dumb I was that I couldn't just get my chord names like that.
We broke up for 9 hours one summer, I have my own theories on the behind the scenes battle there, but the next year was dreadful. She became almost like a venom in my veins. I retreated so far inward I had nothing left... but yet... I claimed I still loved her. Despite all the emotional damage I was doing to myself, I was afraid of being alone. I didn't have the guts to end it right there and pull myself out of the gutter. I don't even think you could say we were even dating then, I hardly saw her. I pushed everyone away, but hey... it was worth it right? I again listened to my mother telling me that composition was not going to support a family, so I changed back to math so I could earn the money to support Autumn and myself. Turns out her parents finally used that change against me. They told her I obviously had no direction in life if I kept changing my major, so they convinced her to break it off with me. I don't think I even cried. By then I was already dead inside. My fifth and final year at Morningside, I struggled to assume some type of identity. Most of my friends had been pushed away, and the few that weren't had decided I was nothing. Autumn and I tried to rebuild a friendship, but there were always some weird things. She'd say something that would hurt me, I'd say something that would hurt her. Now we're pretty ok... but then... ugh.
The depression finally hit fully that last semester. After 5 years, Morningside pulls your financial aid, I couldn't finish either of my half degrees so I just kind of gave up. I just stopped trying. I left Morningside with a whimper. Then I tried to enter the job market. Worked as a courtesy clerk for Fareway... for two weeks. Then I found what I thought was my niche. I became a pawnbroker for Mr. Money.
I hated the customers, but loved my job if that makes sense. I thrived. My manager loved me. She told me she had never seen anyone with my work ethic. After 4 months, she promoted me to head pawn clerk. I wanted to manage a Mr. Money store someday. I loved my company. Then they sold out. EZPawn.....
EZPawn at first wasn't so bad, they wanted to keep everything the same... then they changed everything. I lost my promotion. A guy who had walked in our store and met us for 20 minutes decided who should get the equivalent promotion. Everyone else got to keep their current job, I lost mine to someone I trained. I was in the top 100 for pawns per minute in the whole freaking district! I had customers passing on being helped by other clerks in favor of being helped by me. I was known as the compassionate one who never gave up on a customer... And some idiot in Chicago who didn't even spend an hour with us decided to give the promotion to someone else because her sales were higher... Yeah because she ignores the pawn side of the industry... but whatever. Life at the shop became hell and I had it. One day I just snapped and quit... but if you listen to my manager, I was fired.
So now I had no money to keep my house in Ames, no job... nothing... My mom was working for the paper in a town called Garner, and was talking to people at Casey's. It was formerly Kum & Go, but they didn't want the store anymore so they offered to sell it to Casey's. I had a couple summers experience working in a Casey's kitchen, so Teresa, our area supervisor, told my mother to have me apply. I did, got an interview... then nothing. I kept stopping back to see if I got the job. Then right after scheduling another interview with a different company, Linda called and offered me the job. I started immediately and am still there now. A month after that, I took up the reigns of my church's choir. I arranged their first song for them, and then we dove in to our cantata... which they performed beautifully.
While working at Casey's I met my best friend, Manda. She's the one that got me started on this site. Through that friendship have come a couple more, some of them are ok people, a few are freaking amazing. I'm starting to get my confidence level back. My goal to be a composer or comedian... well one is coming true. Some film students have seen my youtube videos and want me to do the music for their films. I keep writing stories or songs just to say I keep writing. I hope to one day write something that inspires someone the way Holst or Crichton or Powell or anyone has inspired me. I hope to have a family and keep my close friends. That is my dream. I'll have to wait and see if I reach it.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Here Goes Nothing
I've tried blog sites before... but maybe I can use this one. I do a lot of postings on facebook that you could call blogs... but I am always censoring myself. Maybe I should stop and start going on here. I'll reveal a bit more details than normal... especially since there's hardly anyone who will actually read this. So this is just the intro... I'll start the real deal next time!
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