Friends... I have dedicated much of my time to them. Some turn out to be worth it, others just waste my time. I sit here now with some of my friends going through some bad times. My reactions and emotions to these have really shown me who I truly do consider a friend, who I truly do love vs those who are really just acquaintances.
Manda's going through a really rough time. I won't share the details because that isn't my place, but she's really getting torn up. What is weird is what has been my response. I've had friends go through similar (though not as bad) situations and I tell them I'm sorry and that's it. This time, however, I don't want to stop there. I know it's beyond my power, I know there's really nothing I can do, but... I don't want to stop until she is smiling and the smile is more than skin deep. Every bit of knowledge and experience tells me that I can't do anything, but yet every part of me doesn't want to give up. It's a paradox that I am ignoring. I don't know why... What I do know is this: if you look at a list of people in my life I'd do anything for, you'd find her on the very top of that list. It's not even a competition. We've known each other not even half a year, yet I know that there is no one I trust more, no one I care about more, than her. Even Autumn didn't make it that far. It's like... when she is hurt, I'm hurt too. And I can't change that about us. I don't think I want to change that.
Another friend isn't sleeping. She went through something horrible and now nightmares are coming. If you're close to me, you know I have an intimate experience with this problem. Hell, I'm still having this problem. We aren't really that close, so I haven't jumped in and told her about it yet, but... I want to. Despite the fact that we hardly know each other, I want to share that with her, let her know she's not alone. I want to take the chance... While this isn't as intense a need to change things as it is with Manda, it's still plenty strong. Again... I don't know why... but I don't think I want to change it.
Nicole... I thought of her as my very best friend for over a decade. We had ups and downs but I thought we were always strong enough to get through them. She told me she used to admire that I was the one guy who was nice to her because of some reason other than sex. Well now she tells me that she's upset because she has 2 kids and one has autism and her boyfriend won't have sex with her and she's desperate. Now some of that you know is stuff that won't really work on me. Autumn found out the hard way that sex is not a strong motivator for me, so I would think my best friend would have known this as well. But then even her situation with her kids... I just didn't care. That's your bed, you made it, you can deal with it. It hit me that I had no respect for her. Then her boyfriend read her conversation, got mad at me, and so she blamed me. I really lost all respect for her at that time. But why? Why do I care less about this friendship that I've had for over 10 years than I do about ones barely a year old, one with someone I haven't even met yet!
Most of my college friendships died out. I still talk to a few, but I still feel the void left by the others. Some view me as a failure and they might be right. I did after all leave after 5 years with no degree. And I didn't exactly leave well, just kinda died that last year. The ones who don't view me as a failure, why is that? Lord knows I've given them every reason to, yet Mike still talks to me, just like old times. Brenda has always been a close friend, and continues to dispense her own brand of wisdom. I don't know. Maybe I just need to figure out life while living in the forest alone or something...
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