Not since 2011 have I had a year with so many changes in my life or plans for the future from Jan 1st to xmas.
That year, I was working for Mr. Money, felt that I would eventually move up and get my own Mr. Money in the future, but in the meantime, I was content to live in my trailer in Ames. Then EZPawn bought us... and after a lot of hassles with their way of doing things, I couldn't take it anymore and left... I floated around for a while before I finally found a new job working at the Casey's in Garner (where my parents moved to). Little did I know then that working there would have a HUGE impact on my life at least to this point.
If you went back to January 1st of 2013, told me I would not ever live in my house in Klemme, I would live in Forest City, that Amanda would move in with her aunt in Arizona, the two of us would break up, I'd be dating someone else and be happier, and I'd have my own store to worry about... I'd have called you nuts.
Yet here I am. I'm dating a woman named Amy (she's actually older than me for a change). She has 2 small boys age 8 and 4 (that's a new one for me). I actually get along really well with her mother (who'd have thought it). She actually interacts with my parents as though they were people instead of my parents (no woman has ever been able to do that). And scariest of all... I'm the introverted one. Let me repeat that, I'm the less outgoing one... run in fear folks.
Managing my own store is different than I could imagine. Your view on the whole company is different. You see how it is the first time you have to do a corrective action on an employee because some customer ran off with free gas. Some people think managers enjoy that... I don't. It's easily my least favorite part of the job. In fact supervising employees kinda sucks. I had it a little at the pawn shop, but that was small things. I can honestly say that I did not go into this job so I could "be the boss" and I'm thinking most managers are that way as well...
As I look back this year, and I see how I thought I had life figured out, then had it ripped apart, mixed up, and thrown in the street, I start to realize some things. I remember starting down a dark path, I was depressed... to a level I haven't been since my last year at M'side, and I was starting to get worse. Now those of you who know me best understand that if I'm feeling down, trying to get me to open up and saying things like "but I care about you, you can lean on me" like so many of my friends did, only makes me close up more. Now don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate that they were trying, but it wasn't working. A couple of my M'side friends tho... they knew me well enough and understood me completely.
One talked to me about the good ole' days. Sitting in the lounge eating pizza and watching The Simpsons. Most don't understand how much I enjoy that show. I have every season on dvd, (not the movie tho... can't find it on widescreen anywhere) I watch it almost every night, I even read into theological and philosophical implications on that show and watch many episodes with those ideas in mind. I am more dedicated to The Simpsons than I am to Star Trek. But if you sit in a lounge with some of your best friends with a couple pizzas sitting on the table and pop on the floor, laughing as though it was the first time you'd seen the episode, then having the conversation take a life of its own, you laughing so hard you're crying... you might have a glimpse into possibly understanding me. You can't recreate that, it just exists.
Another friend gave me a gift that I will cherish forever. She felt something was up before I put anything on facebook, before I mentioned anything, before anyone else knew. She told me she just got this feeling she needed to talk to me. You will never know what horrible shape I was in then. How low I was and just got a random text from her saying she had a feeling, like a sign from God, that she needed to talk to me. If ever I looked for a reason to believe in Him... I had it. She and her husband have supported me when it felt like so few have before. They've been a loyal and powerful part of my life. She talked to me and listened to me. Then a few days later, I got mail from her... Inside was a baby blue rosary. I can't explain it, but it felt like the beads themselves were almost charged with love and compassion. I'm not catholic, but there's something about that rosary... to this day it empowers me and drives me. I understand myself better now, and I have a clearer view of where I want my life to go... where He and I will walk together.
Now why did I take that little detour? I'm telling you all that life my begin to crumble, and your plans might fall apart. There are people who have had it way worse than I have had it, but love... that is the one thing on this earth that will survive anything. I believe that is where God is felt, in love. Remember that he gave us the gift of his son, the gift of free will, and the gift of love. You'll never find that on a black Friday sale. or under an evergreen tree. It is not wrapped with paper, but wrapped in your very soul.
Remember, God loves you, Jesus loves you, and I love you
Happy Holidays,
Luke
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Live Laugh Learn
Ok... my bills have skyrocketed thus putting me in an even worse financial situation than I was before my promotion... does that make sense to anyone else? My social life has hit an all time low. I have very little to look forward to each day. And yet...
One of my best friends gave me a gift a couple weeks ago. A rosary. Now many of you know my views on Catholicism... but she told me to keep an open mind. Now I'm not going to convert to a Catholic or anything... but this actually did help. It reminded me how important it is to have faith in something. So I started writing music and stories and things for laughs again. You know, the stuff I wanted to do with my life... before life got in the way. Then it hit me. If certain things in my life didn't change recently, I'd never rekindle my faith. Heck, I'd probably at some point turn my back on it entirely. I realized that I was about to give it up... for something shallow and temporary. This is the second time my faith has been tested in this way... and it shall be the last.
You know what's good about trying to work in the arts? It's great therapy. I took one of my older compositions that I was going to write for someone, and I made it fit my current emotional state. I don't even recognize the original piece. There's another piece people are trying to pressure me to twist like that. I haven't even taken it off my hard drive since May... and I'm not sure I'm ready to twist that one just yet... give me a couple more weeks, especially if things progress the way they have been.
It amazes me how close I came to giving up something eternal for something temporary. Oh you might argue that the temporary thing may have lasted if we tried harder... but again, I am becoming amazed it lasted as long as it did. (lesson one folks, don't go behind my back to your friends, I ALWAYS find out, they're hardly that complicated.) Friends have pointed out that in these endeavors, I have never found someone willing to put up the same kind of fight for me that I do for them. Hell most of them wound up fighting harder for a previous ex that treated them like shit. Thus again, it seems I have a history of settling for less than I deserve, so that needs to end... right now.
All these things make me realize that I'm actually pretty awesome. I've got great friends who will stick by me no matter what distance separates me. All it takes is the thought that someone out there is actually willing to talk to you when you need them. I've put things behind me. I've put people behind me who seem to exist merely to poison my soul. My dreams are back on the table, and you're going to have to be pretty amazing to make me include you with them.
I deserve way better than I've gotten in the past.
One of my best friends gave me a gift a couple weeks ago. A rosary. Now many of you know my views on Catholicism... but she told me to keep an open mind. Now I'm not going to convert to a Catholic or anything... but this actually did help. It reminded me how important it is to have faith in something. So I started writing music and stories and things for laughs again. You know, the stuff I wanted to do with my life... before life got in the way. Then it hit me. If certain things in my life didn't change recently, I'd never rekindle my faith. Heck, I'd probably at some point turn my back on it entirely. I realized that I was about to give it up... for something shallow and temporary. This is the second time my faith has been tested in this way... and it shall be the last.
You know what's good about trying to work in the arts? It's great therapy. I took one of my older compositions that I was going to write for someone, and I made it fit my current emotional state. I don't even recognize the original piece. There's another piece people are trying to pressure me to twist like that. I haven't even taken it off my hard drive since May... and I'm not sure I'm ready to twist that one just yet... give me a couple more weeks, especially if things progress the way they have been.
It amazes me how close I came to giving up something eternal for something temporary. Oh you might argue that the temporary thing may have lasted if we tried harder... but again, I am becoming amazed it lasted as long as it did. (lesson one folks, don't go behind my back to your friends, I ALWAYS find out, they're hardly that complicated.) Friends have pointed out that in these endeavors, I have never found someone willing to put up the same kind of fight for me that I do for them. Hell most of them wound up fighting harder for a previous ex that treated them like shit. Thus again, it seems I have a history of settling for less than I deserve, so that needs to end... right now.
All these things make me realize that I'm actually pretty awesome. I've got great friends who will stick by me no matter what distance separates me. All it takes is the thought that someone out there is actually willing to talk to you when you need them. I've put things behind me. I've put people behind me who seem to exist merely to poison my soul. My dreams are back on the table, and you're going to have to be pretty amazing to make me include you with them.
I deserve way better than I've gotten in the past.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Funny Thing About Life...
There was a time when I thought my happiness had peaked. That I was as happy as I was going to be. Then Amanda left, and things started falling apart. I didn't get my promotion at work (for the 2nd time in a row) and when I tried to talk to Amanda about it... felt like I just got swept away and ignored. So when I tried to confront her with this feeling, it would up pushing her too far, and she ended the relationship. I felt horrible. I felt abandoned. With the whole Jason thing and then feeling like I just got tossed aside so easily... I felt worthless... I can honestly say that the first half of this year... those 6 months, are easily the most depressed I have ever felt in my life. I spent the entire time hiding and trying to be strong for everyone else near me (their lives were also falling apart and needed someone to give them emotional support). I never got the support I so desperately needed. I can honestly say if I ever considered suicide... I came the closest I'd ever been that last week of May.
I lost most of my friends trying to defend my girlfriend, and wound up losing my girlfriend, so when the dust settled, I had such a small support group... it almost destroyed me. A few people tried to keep me together, they will not be forgotten. I couldn't let go of the hope that I could somehow win Amanda back. I kept warring with my intense anger and compassion for her.
I tell you this so you may fully understand that I put way too much emphasis on my external image. I felt like a failure because I had a bottom rung job and just got dumped by my girlfriend (at the time it seemed like better prospects, though I doubt it was). I was sinking in debt, trapped in my parents' basement, and realizing that while alive, my bank account had a balance of -$20... but dead, my life insurance kicked in, and I was worth $50,000. Not a good thought process.
The a couple people told me something. "You're trapped in the past, turn around and look to the future and you'll see what you've been missing." and "She's not worth the hell you're going through, find someone who is and they'll never have to prove it." I changed my outlook on life. Decided to put everything I could into my job, to try and scrawl out a living for myself somehow.
Then I got a call... a possible promotion... Normally I'd inform my coworker, also looking for a promotion. She found out anyway and we wound up competing for it. However... this same coworker who I found out was solely responsible for a lot of the problems I was having in my life lately, tried to fight dirty and threatened to walk out if I got the promotion. Then in a matter of Karma and justice... I got the job. That day I overcame most of my demons from this past year.
Now I run my own store. I'm still getting the feel for it, but it's a good store. My band of cohorts are a riot. My assistant was not thought highly of by my trainer, but we are a lot alike. He's from Arizona (like someone else my faithful readers... or reader... will know), and he does work hard. My staff all have good attitudes, and can give each other shit like you wouldn't believe. I haven't heard so much laughter in a Casey's ever. The customers are mostly a delight. Yes there are a few I would rather not see so often, but 99% of them are great people. I get way more playful banter out of them then I ever did at my old store. My pay is more than double my old pay, (I made more on my last check with just a week on it, than I ever did with my old checks). Next week I'm moving into an apartment in town there, and all 3 of my strange mischievous cats are coming with me.
Now I didn't write this blog to brag about how awesome my life is now (even though it is). I wrote this blog to detail how changing my mindset affected my world. I tried running away, I tried giving up... it didn't work out. I tried burying myself, I lost my support and I thought that I was done for... Instead I realized what I needed to fight for. I saw that I was trapped fighting for things that were never worth it to begin with, I fought for a mediocre promotion, a mediocre house... a mediocre life. Then I realized I can do better. When something in life opened up, I was noticed. Someone saw me reaching for the stars, and they let me see if I could fly. I also write this blog so that people know... life beats everyone down. At one point, you're gonna feel like your life goes nowhere, that you'll never amount to anything. Truth is... with time and hard work... you will amount to something. Funny thing about life... it never stops moving forward... if you struggle against the currents, you're going to drown. Just move forward with it, and you might find your new destination much better than your intended one.
I lost most of my friends trying to defend my girlfriend, and wound up losing my girlfriend, so when the dust settled, I had such a small support group... it almost destroyed me. A few people tried to keep me together, they will not be forgotten. I couldn't let go of the hope that I could somehow win Amanda back. I kept warring with my intense anger and compassion for her.
I tell you this so you may fully understand that I put way too much emphasis on my external image. I felt like a failure because I had a bottom rung job and just got dumped by my girlfriend (at the time it seemed like better prospects, though I doubt it was). I was sinking in debt, trapped in my parents' basement, and realizing that while alive, my bank account had a balance of -$20... but dead, my life insurance kicked in, and I was worth $50,000. Not a good thought process.
The a couple people told me something. "You're trapped in the past, turn around and look to the future and you'll see what you've been missing." and "She's not worth the hell you're going through, find someone who is and they'll never have to prove it." I changed my outlook on life. Decided to put everything I could into my job, to try and scrawl out a living for myself somehow.
Then I got a call... a possible promotion... Normally I'd inform my coworker, also looking for a promotion. She found out anyway and we wound up competing for it. However... this same coworker who I found out was solely responsible for a lot of the problems I was having in my life lately, tried to fight dirty and threatened to walk out if I got the promotion. Then in a matter of Karma and justice... I got the job. That day I overcame most of my demons from this past year.
Now I run my own store. I'm still getting the feel for it, but it's a good store. My band of cohorts are a riot. My assistant was not thought highly of by my trainer, but we are a lot alike. He's from Arizona (like someone else my faithful readers... or reader... will know), and he does work hard. My staff all have good attitudes, and can give each other shit like you wouldn't believe. I haven't heard so much laughter in a Casey's ever. The customers are mostly a delight. Yes there are a few I would rather not see so often, but 99% of them are great people. I get way more playful banter out of them then I ever did at my old store. My pay is more than double my old pay, (I made more on my last check with just a week on it, than I ever did with my old checks). Next week I'm moving into an apartment in town there, and all 3 of my strange mischievous cats are coming with me.
Now I didn't write this blog to brag about how awesome my life is now (even though it is). I wrote this blog to detail how changing my mindset affected my world. I tried running away, I tried giving up... it didn't work out. I tried burying myself, I lost my support and I thought that I was done for... Instead I realized what I needed to fight for. I saw that I was trapped fighting for things that were never worth it to begin with, I fought for a mediocre promotion, a mediocre house... a mediocre life. Then I realized I can do better. When something in life opened up, I was noticed. Someone saw me reaching for the stars, and they let me see if I could fly. I also write this blog so that people know... life beats everyone down. At one point, you're gonna feel like your life goes nowhere, that you'll never amount to anything. Truth is... with time and hard work... you will amount to something. Funny thing about life... it never stops moving forward... if you struggle against the currents, you're going to drown. Just move forward with it, and you might find your new destination much better than your intended one.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Pins and Needles
Touchy subject. Deal with it. Ok folks, it seems the Zimmerman case verdict has many of you jumping for joy, others crying out for some kind of vigilante justice (odd contradiction). And at the risk of having most of my friends abandon me I'm just gonna come out and say it. I really don't find anything wrong with the verdict. Now give me a chance to explain before you lynch me up. (seriously I've never seen so many people threaten "brutal justice" on a man who may have only been acting in self defense, disturbing). Do I think there was a better way for the situation to play out? Yes. Do I believe Zimmerman should have not followed Martin? Yes. However, I also believe Martin should not have attacked Zimmerman. (Ok, now I know that last point is called into question, but I'll get to it).
Now let's assume that many of the accounts are accurate. Here's how the situation seems to have come together. Zimmerman knew there was a history of break ins in the neighborhood. He sees a guy he does not recognize, and believes this might be a party responsible for said break ins. Now I'm not going to get in to any idea of racial profiling, because there is no HARD EVIDENCE to suggest he was profiling. Yes Zimmerman did identify Martin as black, BUT ONLY WHEN THE OPERATOR ASKED HIM WHAT RACE HE WAS. He was only answering a question. Now you can argue in his mind he was profiling just not saying it... well actually you can't, BECAUSE THERE IS NO HARD EVIDENCE TO SUGGEST THAT. Regardless, Zimmerman follows Martin, who becomes aware of this fact. Martin is now scared that he is being followed, and tries to get away. When Zimmerman leaves his car in search of Martin, Martin surprises him, and after the two fight, Zimmerman shoots and kills Martin.
Ok, here's the deal. I can definitely see Martin being afraid. If I was just walking around in the rain and noticed someone following me at night (and maybe Martin is aware of the recent crimes in the area too and is now even more frightened) I'd be kinda freaked out. However, I would not attack the person, I would call the cops myself, and gee... maybe the two 911 operators (or at least the cops that would show up) would figure out the idiocy of the current situation and no one would be shot.
Ok, now here's the big moment. Did Martin attack Zimmerman? Or was it the other way around? Ok guys... this is the part that you have to understand. It doesn't matter. Now before you condemn me to death over that comment, hear me out. Where are the hard facts that PROVE Zimmerman started the fight with Martin? Here's the thing with the American legal system, all people are innocent until PROVEN guilty. Yes the prosecution danced around whether or not Zimmerman's statements were accurate or not... but when it comes right down to it, they were unable to actually prove it. Yes this system does let some guilty men slip through the cracks, but the reverse is far worse. If people are guilty until proven innocent, you would have the worst society on earth. Tyranny is the result from that kind of thinking. "Oh you spoke out against the government? You're now accused of some murder you have no connection to but are unable to prove your innocence. Have fun rotting in jail."
What angers me the most about the outcry on this verdict are the reactions from people I used to think were good thinkers. I hear some people crying out racial profiling. I saw one status that said, "You shot him just because he's black, do you feel macho with your gun?" Which leads me to believe we have an issue of "gun profiling." I am now seeing a wave of idiots on my facebook who now equate gun ownership with being a murderer. They profile that if someone owns a gun, they must be violent... yet they yell and scream at racial profiling... hypocrites. Saying "Tom owns a gun, he must be violent" makes even less sense than saying "Bob owns a guitar, he must be a rock sensation."
So if this post made you hate me and unfriend me, then fine. If the fact that I disagree with you is something you just can't handle, then I hope you enjoy your sheltered little life. If you attack me for my thoughts regarding innocent until proven guilty, then I hope you stay the hell away from politics. Finally, if you now hate me because of one little blog, dear merciful lord, how do you still have friends?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
A Controlled Vent
Ok, this is a vent blog. If anyone gets offended by it, well too fucking bad. I'm done catering to other people who don't even seem to care that much about me. If me venting is all it takes to end a friendship, then I guess I never really mattered to you that much anyway. Besides, if you're angry about what I post, maybe it's because you know I'm right... you should probably examine that side first before you come hounding down my door with your rage as if it's going to control me.
Ok, first of all... if you're not involved with someone, DON'T TRY TO FUCKING SABOTAGE IT!!! If you just don't like someone's significant other, don't spend all your time trying to break them up. If you are jealous and want to be with someone, then don't try to keep them single until you can get to them. These are the lowest forms of life. I started dating a girl and the first thing that happened was her ex sent me texts attempting to derail the whole thing. Who the fuck do you think you are?! I mean, it's one thing if you think the person is dangerous or something, but if you just don't like them for some reason, TOO FUCKING BAD! So when I vent to you about difficulties with someone I'm dating, and I trust you with specifics, don't then come back to me and try to convince me they're a horrible girlfriend! And if they wind up shattering my heart in the end, don't... you... DARE... say... I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like no one gives a damn about me anymore. People who used to say that they would never let our friendship die don't ever talk to me anymore. They ignore me. But gee, do something that makes them mad, and suddenly they're incredibly talkative. Why is it that the only way people seem to acknowledge my existence is if they feel threatened or hurt by me. Oh, Luke's talking to me, meh whatever, wait... He said WHAT about me?! *sends more texts to luke in 10 minutes than the past 3 months* This has happened with three people the past 2 weeks. And while I haven't told them about the others, maybe if I inform them, they might back the fuck off... or at least cut me some fucking slack. Here's the dumb part, the first time was the only time it was justified. It was a blog specifically about my issues with our past. The second time... it had absolutely nothing to do with the person that felt I attacked them. (made me wonder what they did to me that I didn't know about.) and the third one? It was a vent blog I wrote when I discovered another friend and I had similar issues with women from our past. Each of them just came out of nowhere. I mean come on, you people haven't talked to me that much in forever, but oh geez, suddenly i'm the first name in your chat list or something? Here's the really dumb part, It was on 3 separate blogs, ONE OF WHICH WAS A BLOG JUST BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE PERSON WHO ATTACKED ME. Yet they all had a fit that I did it where other people could see it, so I took it down... all three of them also wrote facebook notes or blogs themselves about me... yet those very public blogs stay standing. So before anyone asks, I don't care what you say, THIS ONE STAYS UP.
I have come to the conclusion that people view me as a tissue. When life has them down or beaten, I'm right there and they appreciate it. But as soon as they're ok, they don't need me anymore, so they throw me away. I mean people... When you don't have a need for me so you stop talking to me, but then keep telling me that we're good friends and will be that way forever... but you act like I'm nothing but a bother to you when I do talk to you... what does that mean? I can not count how many people have been hurt or feeling down, so I do what I used to think was the right thing to do, and I'd help them. They're my friends after all. I did care once. And suddenly we're all joking and having a good time, and they start picking up the pieces and move on... then something happens to me and I need to have some support... and I get nothing. At one point quite a while ago, I was feeling really unappreciated and like life was beating me down. So I went to the girl I was dating at the time and just wanted to feel like I mattered to somebody. She fucking ignored me... when I was there for her during God knows what. I mean, helping her deal with her anxiety because her ex raped her years before we even met, that is apparently easy compared to just a few reassuring texts... Now I hear some of you scrambling to disagree, and I'm sure both my blogger accounts will send me emails about people commenting or something. Truth is, this is how I feel, and every time I think I'm gonna feel different... that's when the tissue gets thrown away.
There have been people I have loved. But each time, inevitably, it ends. We go through the exact same cycle I could almost ignore the texts or emails and tell you exactly how the formula works. By the time the next one comes around, I'll even have a timeframe so I can have a schedule. Each time, that love I felt slowly turns into a poison. Eventually it becomes so overwhelmingly potent that I have a mental breakdown. Maybe this time I'll actually get some help from some head doctors. There was one time it actually did work though. One time my heart got completely shattered, our emotions got frayed, there was definitely a poison running through me... but then... we started supporting each other again. We started joking around with each other. Suddenly we were close friends again. Our friendship got broken, but it came back as something stronger. This is the one friendship against which all others are measured. I have yet to find one that measures up. Or sure I've thought I found one here or there, but when the friendship actually gets tested... it dies. That isn't to say I don't have any friends. It's just that I don't think I've found a friendship that strong since. Which is weird because the romantic relationship was a disaster.
Finally, if you see yourself in any of these vents... please understand something. I don't care. I do try to make these somewhat anonymous. When you feel hurt because elements of this blog feels like it's about you, (or any other for that matter) perhaps you should first see something. If you see yourself in one of my vents, clearly you've done something to hurt me. So before you come to me with your sanctimony and so called hurt feelings, understand that while I will try to work through things to put a band-aid on our friendship, in the end all I did was write my feelings, you're the one that made me feel that way. In some instances, the blog may not even be about you, so you coming down on me about it just points out that you hurt me in more ways than I knew.
If you object because it's so public, again I do try to keep it anonymous. And if things are obviously about one person, realize that the only ones who know my situation enough to realize it is about that person are probably ones that already know anyway. I mean, are you showing this blog to someone who doesn't know me that well? Trust me... don't do it. It has happened once before. I had an ex show my blog to her best friend, and was even so freaking heartless as to show her notes that I would write and leave in her locker when we first started dating (i'm a hopeless romantic, I know) as justification for "See? he's a clingy boyfriend because he wrote me a note when we first started dating saying 'I'll love you forever'" Now I mean, it takes a special kind of heartless bitch to use notes like that (for those of you who know me best, it's the girl I tell people was my worst girlfriend, and after rethinking that point, conclude she still is), but karma kinda found her later. She figured she'd show her best friend my blog post I posted that morning. It was about being lonely. She hoped to justify her clingy point further... what she didn't know is just before that, I posted a blog about cheaters... and how a certain ex of mine once had a fling with a guy while he was dating her best friend. Now anyone who could pick up on who I was talking about already knew about it... except for the best friend. And I'll admit... the resulting fight was great punishment, especially after I found out about the notes thing.
Before I post I just realized one thing I better clear up. I know some other of my exes have shown notes to people. Heck, one ex whose friendship with me is just shaky (again... only one has ever successfully made it so I better make sure she knows I'm ok with this) showed me that she put them in some journal thing she shares with her best friend (cool idea btw). The difference is why they're being used. If you're showing your friends some love letters I wrote you as a memory or something like that, that's fine. But... if you ever want to make me hate you with every fiber of my being, use them to mock me. If you show someone a love note I wrote you when we just started dating, realize I go for incredible amounts of sappiness. I'm trying to make this person I'm starting things with to smile, to feel that I am willing to try through the hard times we might run into. So I'll say stuff like "I'll love you forever," or "Our love will never die," I think one time I even talked about marriage... ah the honeymoon stage. So when someone uses them to mock me. When they show them to their friends and say "Oh wow, what a psycho," or "He's clingy." or my personal favorite, "This is why I had to flirt with some other guy." it just causes me to just... soak in rage. So don't think I'm mad at you if you just showed them to your friend, that's fine. I do that with some of the love letters you guys wrote me. I've got a deck of playing cards and an alphabet one that someone put a lot of thought and work into, for example. Just hope I never hear about you using them against me... that means you, Seahorse :-P
Ok, first of all... if you're not involved with someone, DON'T TRY TO FUCKING SABOTAGE IT!!! If you just don't like someone's significant other, don't spend all your time trying to break them up. If you are jealous and want to be with someone, then don't try to keep them single until you can get to them. These are the lowest forms of life. I started dating a girl and the first thing that happened was her ex sent me texts attempting to derail the whole thing. Who the fuck do you think you are?! I mean, it's one thing if you think the person is dangerous or something, but if you just don't like them for some reason, TOO FUCKING BAD! So when I vent to you about difficulties with someone I'm dating, and I trust you with specifics, don't then come back to me and try to convince me they're a horrible girlfriend! And if they wind up shattering my heart in the end, don't... you... DARE... say... I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like no one gives a damn about me anymore. People who used to say that they would never let our friendship die don't ever talk to me anymore. They ignore me. But gee, do something that makes them mad, and suddenly they're incredibly talkative. Why is it that the only way people seem to acknowledge my existence is if they feel threatened or hurt by me. Oh, Luke's talking to me, meh whatever, wait... He said WHAT about me?! *sends more texts to luke in 10 minutes than the past 3 months* This has happened with three people the past 2 weeks. And while I haven't told them about the others, maybe if I inform them, they might back the fuck off... or at least cut me some fucking slack. Here's the dumb part, the first time was the only time it was justified. It was a blog specifically about my issues with our past. The second time... it had absolutely nothing to do with the person that felt I attacked them. (made me wonder what they did to me that I didn't know about.) and the third one? It was a vent blog I wrote when I discovered another friend and I had similar issues with women from our past. Each of them just came out of nowhere. I mean come on, you people haven't talked to me that much in forever, but oh geez, suddenly i'm the first name in your chat list or something? Here's the really dumb part, It was on 3 separate blogs, ONE OF WHICH WAS A BLOG JUST BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE PERSON WHO ATTACKED ME. Yet they all had a fit that I did it where other people could see it, so I took it down... all three of them also wrote facebook notes or blogs themselves about me... yet those very public blogs stay standing. So before anyone asks, I don't care what you say, THIS ONE STAYS UP.
I have come to the conclusion that people view me as a tissue. When life has them down or beaten, I'm right there and they appreciate it. But as soon as they're ok, they don't need me anymore, so they throw me away. I mean people... When you don't have a need for me so you stop talking to me, but then keep telling me that we're good friends and will be that way forever... but you act like I'm nothing but a bother to you when I do talk to you... what does that mean? I can not count how many people have been hurt or feeling down, so I do what I used to think was the right thing to do, and I'd help them. They're my friends after all. I did care once. And suddenly we're all joking and having a good time, and they start picking up the pieces and move on... then something happens to me and I need to have some support... and I get nothing. At one point quite a while ago, I was feeling really unappreciated and like life was beating me down. So I went to the girl I was dating at the time and just wanted to feel like I mattered to somebody. She fucking ignored me... when I was there for her during God knows what. I mean, helping her deal with her anxiety because her ex raped her years before we even met, that is apparently easy compared to just a few reassuring texts... Now I hear some of you scrambling to disagree, and I'm sure both my blogger accounts will send me emails about people commenting or something. Truth is, this is how I feel, and every time I think I'm gonna feel different... that's when the tissue gets thrown away.
There have been people I have loved. But each time, inevitably, it ends. We go through the exact same cycle I could almost ignore the texts or emails and tell you exactly how the formula works. By the time the next one comes around, I'll even have a timeframe so I can have a schedule. Each time, that love I felt slowly turns into a poison. Eventually it becomes so overwhelmingly potent that I have a mental breakdown. Maybe this time I'll actually get some help from some head doctors. There was one time it actually did work though. One time my heart got completely shattered, our emotions got frayed, there was definitely a poison running through me... but then... we started supporting each other again. We started joking around with each other. Suddenly we were close friends again. Our friendship got broken, but it came back as something stronger. This is the one friendship against which all others are measured. I have yet to find one that measures up. Or sure I've thought I found one here or there, but when the friendship actually gets tested... it dies. That isn't to say I don't have any friends. It's just that I don't think I've found a friendship that strong since. Which is weird because the romantic relationship was a disaster.
Finally, if you see yourself in any of these vents... please understand something. I don't care. I do try to make these somewhat anonymous. When you feel hurt because elements of this blog feels like it's about you, (or any other for that matter) perhaps you should first see something. If you see yourself in one of my vents, clearly you've done something to hurt me. So before you come to me with your sanctimony and so called hurt feelings, understand that while I will try to work through things to put a band-aid on our friendship, in the end all I did was write my feelings, you're the one that made me feel that way. In some instances, the blog may not even be about you, so you coming down on me about it just points out that you hurt me in more ways than I knew.
If you object because it's so public, again I do try to keep it anonymous. And if things are obviously about one person, realize that the only ones who know my situation enough to realize it is about that person are probably ones that already know anyway. I mean, are you showing this blog to someone who doesn't know me that well? Trust me... don't do it. It has happened once before. I had an ex show my blog to her best friend, and was even so freaking heartless as to show her notes that I would write and leave in her locker when we first started dating (i'm a hopeless romantic, I know) as justification for "See? he's a clingy boyfriend because he wrote me a note when we first started dating saying 'I'll love you forever'" Now I mean, it takes a special kind of heartless bitch to use notes like that (for those of you who know me best, it's the girl I tell people was my worst girlfriend, and after rethinking that point, conclude she still is), but karma kinda found her later. She figured she'd show her best friend my blog post I posted that morning. It was about being lonely. She hoped to justify her clingy point further... what she didn't know is just before that, I posted a blog about cheaters... and how a certain ex of mine once had a fling with a guy while he was dating her best friend. Now anyone who could pick up on who I was talking about already knew about it... except for the best friend. And I'll admit... the resulting fight was great punishment, especially after I found out about the notes thing.
Before I post I just realized one thing I better clear up. I know some other of my exes have shown notes to people. Heck, one ex whose friendship with me is just shaky (again... only one has ever successfully made it so I better make sure she knows I'm ok with this) showed me that she put them in some journal thing she shares with her best friend (cool idea btw). The difference is why they're being used. If you're showing your friends some love letters I wrote you as a memory or something like that, that's fine. But... if you ever want to make me hate you with every fiber of my being, use them to mock me. If you show someone a love note I wrote you when we just started dating, realize I go for incredible amounts of sappiness. I'm trying to make this person I'm starting things with to smile, to feel that I am willing to try through the hard times we might run into. So I'll say stuff like "I'll love you forever," or "Our love will never die," I think one time I even talked about marriage... ah the honeymoon stage. So when someone uses them to mock me. When they show them to their friends and say "Oh wow, what a psycho," or "He's clingy." or my personal favorite, "This is why I had to flirt with some other guy." it just causes me to just... soak in rage. So don't think I'm mad at you if you just showed them to your friend, that's fine. I do that with some of the love letters you guys wrote me. I've got a deck of playing cards and an alphabet one that someone put a lot of thought and work into, for example. Just hope I never hear about you using them against me... that means you, Seahorse :-P
Monday, June 3, 2013
You Didn't Get Your Expensive Vacation? Oh, How Bad for You!
I grow weary of people. I look around me and I see so many self-centered, arrogant people. Don't get me wrong, I know we all are trying to scrape by the best existence we can for ourselves. Lately, however, all I seem to observe is a blatant disregard for the lives of others, almost to the point of being malicious in some cases. People who talk to me of their own code of ethics... but fail horribly when it counts. If you talk to me of your code of being honest at all costs, but then want me to lie if it will affect your pocketbook... well you're just a fucking hypocrite. Is there any hope for us at all?
Recently there was a massive storm system that went through tornado alley. The system stretched from Oklahoma to Missouri and carried several tornadoes. Now I am the first to admit that sometimes my thoughts turn to myself before others... but the response to this storm system was appalling. My facebook erupted with pictures and statuses about the storm. Now some were pictures of flooding, or discussing how you were without power. These by themselves are fine, we are simply describing our own situation, sharing what is going on with us, which is the only subject we are the absolute source. But some reactions... I had some people talk about how they had plans this past weekend, and how their life is so horrible because of this storm and the minor inconvenience. Now let me explain the difference. One simply shows the facts, flooding, power outages, scared children, etc. The people who posted these types of things were actually very calm, some even pointed out that as bad as it was for them, it was worse elsewhere. It's when you attach subjective terms and try to gather some sympathy that I lose all (and I mean ALL) respect from me.
Several of you were traveling this weekend, and with the storm, flights were delayed. (duh) Some of you posted status updates about travel delays, so plans will have to be canceled, but you did it in an almost "it could be worse" attitude. "Won't get to see my grandmother this weekend, I guess skype will have to do." For starters, kudos on having a grandmother who can use skype. Secondly, you acknowledge the problem you have with the storm, but in a way that suggests your life has not ended because of it. This is fine. Others however... I had some people say it was their worse weekend ever, one couple commented that it was the worst anniversary in the history of the world because they couldn't get a flight out to California for some "much needed beach time." I had several friends who had birthdays, some actually got into an argument with a friend of mine because this past weekend was the worst birthday in the history of birthdays. Why? Because they had plans and the storm caused their flights to be delayed or canceled, so no one could have ever had a worse birthday than they did last weekend. The friend they were arguing with has a September 11th birthday... but you know, what's a tragedy where several thousand people died compared to you not making a flight?
Let me point something out to that second group of people, the ones who are so self-centered, you view this storm as God being mean to you and making you miss your chance to hit your vacation destination (seriously that was one of the statuses I saw). When last I checked, 9 people lost their lives to this storm, many more lost their homes. Travel was delayed several places because the damage to the cities was too extensive for safe travel. Yet you are angry because you were stuck in some city for an extra day. Who the fuck do you think you are?!
I could go on and on and on about all the things I see about people that irritate or disturb me. Maybe I will over the course of the next few days. But for now, this will have to do.
Recently there was a massive storm system that went through tornado alley. The system stretched from Oklahoma to Missouri and carried several tornadoes. Now I am the first to admit that sometimes my thoughts turn to myself before others... but the response to this storm system was appalling. My facebook erupted with pictures and statuses about the storm. Now some were pictures of flooding, or discussing how you were without power. These by themselves are fine, we are simply describing our own situation, sharing what is going on with us, which is the only subject we are the absolute source. But some reactions... I had some people talk about how they had plans this past weekend, and how their life is so horrible because of this storm and the minor inconvenience. Now let me explain the difference. One simply shows the facts, flooding, power outages, scared children, etc. The people who posted these types of things were actually very calm, some even pointed out that as bad as it was for them, it was worse elsewhere. It's when you attach subjective terms and try to gather some sympathy that I lose all (and I mean ALL) respect from me.
Several of you were traveling this weekend, and with the storm, flights were delayed. (duh) Some of you posted status updates about travel delays, so plans will have to be canceled, but you did it in an almost "it could be worse" attitude. "Won't get to see my grandmother this weekend, I guess skype will have to do." For starters, kudos on having a grandmother who can use skype. Secondly, you acknowledge the problem you have with the storm, but in a way that suggests your life has not ended because of it. This is fine. Others however... I had some people say it was their worse weekend ever, one couple commented that it was the worst anniversary in the history of the world because they couldn't get a flight out to California for some "much needed beach time." I had several friends who had birthdays, some actually got into an argument with a friend of mine because this past weekend was the worst birthday in the history of birthdays. Why? Because they had plans and the storm caused their flights to be delayed or canceled, so no one could have ever had a worse birthday than they did last weekend. The friend they were arguing with has a September 11th birthday... but you know, what's a tragedy where several thousand people died compared to you not making a flight?
Let me point something out to that second group of people, the ones who are so self-centered, you view this storm as God being mean to you and making you miss your chance to hit your vacation destination (seriously that was one of the statuses I saw). When last I checked, 9 people lost their lives to this storm, many more lost their homes. Travel was delayed several places because the damage to the cities was too extensive for safe travel. Yet you are angry because you were stuck in some city for an extra day. Who the fuck do you think you are?!
I could go on and on and on about all the things I see about people that irritate or disturb me. Maybe I will over the course of the next few days. But for now, this will have to do.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
In My Defense
Okay, time to deal with this situation. I am sick and tired of people assuming I'm some kind of brainwashed idiot because I actually believe in a higher power. Even worse than that, I'm a christian. So people assume things about me, they assume I can't think for myself, or I allow some old book to dictate my morals and how I live. So let's just take a look at what you say about me shall we?
1. Christians are Brainwashing People
Ok this one can be broken down even further, but let's take it as it is for now. Someone once kept telling me that they knew a child who learned how to pray before he learned to write, and how wrong that was. They viewed it as a form of brainwashing. They didn't realize that I was one of those kids, so every single time they said it, they were kind of calling me dumb. But here's the thing, a small child doesn't care about the theological implications of prayer. Here's what a small child knows about prayer: they close their eyes and put their hands together and talk to some guy the grown ups call God in the same way that they would talk to a parent or teacher. So basically it's talking with eyes closed and hands together. Tell me, what average child do you know that can write fluently before they can talk? (yes, I know there are special cases, that's why I included average) Is this a form of brainwashing? I don't think so. Heck, it wasn't until middle school I even once began to consider the staggering theology of prayer.
The other point someone brought up to me is missionaries... They viewed them as people who went out into the world and ridiculed everyone for believing differently than they do, (we'll cover that one later) Once that was done, they forced them to believe christian doctrine all in the name of spreading the word. I honestly don't know how this happened... Yes there are missionaries who go to these parts of the world to spread christianity, but not in this way. They go and provide teaching in a way of thinking these people have never even been exposed to before. I remember the first time I found out about this religion called Buddhism. I was blown away, I had never encountered a religion quite like it before, and its main ideas influenced my own beliefs. Did it turn me against my current religion? No. But just finding out about it and its different views made me adjust my own (another point we'll cover later).
2. Christians Believe They are Superior to Everyone Else
Ok... there is a HUGE amount of irony in this one. Yes there are christians who believe this about themselves. But not all do. In fact, I would argue most don't feel this one bit. They might view themselves as being right, but somehow the good ones also recognize that doesn't necessarily make the rest wrong... I believe my religion is true, but I also do not believe the others are necessarily false... But a lot of times this was said to me was just dripping in irony it took all I could to not laugh in their face. "All christians are arrogant and prejudiced against me for not believing as they do." Ok... I want you to just take a good long look at that statement. It drips with as much idiocy as a line of a Star Wars prequel... "Only a sith deals in absolutes." The only way for you to escape that idiocy is if you personally know every single christian in the universe. Otherwise you are the prejudiced idiot. It gets better when I ask them what their specific problem is with christians. "They're just dumb."
3. Christian Morals are Wrong
WHOA!!! Aren't we full of ourselves to say this outright. Ok, first, I will agree that many of mainstream christian views on several moral issues are questionable at best, just plain wrong at worst, but I won't say this about ALL their beliefs. One person came after me stating that I was a moron because I belonged to a church that refused to marry homosexuals. Yes, it is true that the United Methodist Church currently does not allow this... but that's not permanent. I still believe that this will pass. In fact, some annual conferences are already trying to change this, so it's on its way. Remember there was a time when churches refused to marry blacks and whites, but also when America refused to allow it. Did that mean that everyone who felt differently was not, or should not be, an American? No, it meant that we had to steer the country to a moral outcome. This is how most churches arrive finally at their moral decisions, through reason. In fact, reason is one of the four pillars of methodism, (as I'm sure you've heard me say before). Now some don't see reason, some only go off the Bible. But this extreme group should not be used to judge the whole of the religion any more than some extremists who crash planes into buildings.
4. The Bible
Ok... this one's a biggie. One book can spout so much love and compassion, but also hate and destruction. This thing is a symbol that seems to derail everything. Now let's get one thing out of the way. I believe that what The Bible represents is far more important than the item itself. Like the flag, it's just a thing. The flag is cloth and dye, and the bible is paper and ink. What it represents is far more moving and powerful. But like any powerful object, it all comes down to how it's used.
Some use the Bible as science. This is ridiculous. I've heard people spout off how the christians are idiots because they believe the world is only a few thousand years old because the Bible says so. Except most christians know better. I know some christians who believe the fossils of the dinosaurs were put there by the devil to trick us into disbelieving the Bible. This is not what the majority believe. We know the world is much, much, MUCH older. We know there used to be giant lizards roaming the earth. In fact, as I've stated before, there are two separate creation stories in Genesis. Could it be that we should take the creation story with some degree of symbolism? Heck, could it also be that it was written in a time when there wasn't much scientific discovery going on? Context ruins everything doesn't it?
Some christians devote their whole moral identity to the teaching of the Bible. The only problem is that well... that's impossible. The Bible contradicts itself quite often. In fact, Jesus begins to preach that the letter of the law is not as important as people think. A woman is about to be stoned for adultery, in accordance with the law, but Jesus cleverly states "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I believe you can sum up Jesus's message with three words: love, tolerance, and forgiveness. Yet the old testament is filled with violence and bloodshed. This is why most christians take the scripture and run it through their own filter of reason. You'd be surprised how many christians aren't so blinded by the book as you think.
Ok I know this one is long, and I know a lot of you are probably mad at me, but you know what? I don't care. There are SO many other things I could (should) have put on here, but I just wanted to point out something. I don't judge you for believing differently than I do. In fact, I believe that through the peaceful and intelligent discussion of our differences, we can truly grow. But most people turn it into a "I must convince you to believe as I do, or mock you when you don't change" kind of person. So please judge me as an individual. I know it seems like I'm making several generalizations about people saying these about christians, but I am trying to remain gender neutral, and attacking the logic behind the statements, not the people making them. If you must comment, be warned that if you degrade your comments into mindless trolling or hate, I will delete the post, and perhaps remove you as a friend. I don't need more mindless hate in my life.
1. Christians are Brainwashing People
Ok this one can be broken down even further, but let's take it as it is for now. Someone once kept telling me that they knew a child who learned how to pray before he learned to write, and how wrong that was. They viewed it as a form of brainwashing. They didn't realize that I was one of those kids, so every single time they said it, they were kind of calling me dumb. But here's the thing, a small child doesn't care about the theological implications of prayer. Here's what a small child knows about prayer: they close their eyes and put their hands together and talk to some guy the grown ups call God in the same way that they would talk to a parent or teacher. So basically it's talking with eyes closed and hands together. Tell me, what average child do you know that can write fluently before they can talk? (yes, I know there are special cases, that's why I included average) Is this a form of brainwashing? I don't think so. Heck, it wasn't until middle school I even once began to consider the staggering theology of prayer.
The other point someone brought up to me is missionaries... They viewed them as people who went out into the world and ridiculed everyone for believing differently than they do, (we'll cover that one later) Once that was done, they forced them to believe christian doctrine all in the name of spreading the word. I honestly don't know how this happened... Yes there are missionaries who go to these parts of the world to spread christianity, but not in this way. They go and provide teaching in a way of thinking these people have never even been exposed to before. I remember the first time I found out about this religion called Buddhism. I was blown away, I had never encountered a religion quite like it before, and its main ideas influenced my own beliefs. Did it turn me against my current religion? No. But just finding out about it and its different views made me adjust my own (another point we'll cover later).
2. Christians Believe They are Superior to Everyone Else
Ok... there is a HUGE amount of irony in this one. Yes there are christians who believe this about themselves. But not all do. In fact, I would argue most don't feel this one bit. They might view themselves as being right, but somehow the good ones also recognize that doesn't necessarily make the rest wrong... I believe my religion is true, but I also do not believe the others are necessarily false... But a lot of times this was said to me was just dripping in irony it took all I could to not laugh in their face. "All christians are arrogant and prejudiced against me for not believing as they do." Ok... I want you to just take a good long look at that statement. It drips with as much idiocy as a line of a Star Wars prequel... "Only a sith deals in absolutes." The only way for you to escape that idiocy is if you personally know every single christian in the universe. Otherwise you are the prejudiced idiot. It gets better when I ask them what their specific problem is with christians. "They're just dumb."
3. Christian Morals are Wrong
WHOA!!! Aren't we full of ourselves to say this outright. Ok, first, I will agree that many of mainstream christian views on several moral issues are questionable at best, just plain wrong at worst, but I won't say this about ALL their beliefs. One person came after me stating that I was a moron because I belonged to a church that refused to marry homosexuals. Yes, it is true that the United Methodist Church currently does not allow this... but that's not permanent. I still believe that this will pass. In fact, some annual conferences are already trying to change this, so it's on its way. Remember there was a time when churches refused to marry blacks and whites, but also when America refused to allow it. Did that mean that everyone who felt differently was not, or should not be, an American? No, it meant that we had to steer the country to a moral outcome. This is how most churches arrive finally at their moral decisions, through reason. In fact, reason is one of the four pillars of methodism, (as I'm sure you've heard me say before). Now some don't see reason, some only go off the Bible. But this extreme group should not be used to judge the whole of the religion any more than some extremists who crash planes into buildings.
4. The Bible
Ok... this one's a biggie. One book can spout so much love and compassion, but also hate and destruction. This thing is a symbol that seems to derail everything. Now let's get one thing out of the way. I believe that what The Bible represents is far more important than the item itself. Like the flag, it's just a thing. The flag is cloth and dye, and the bible is paper and ink. What it represents is far more moving and powerful. But like any powerful object, it all comes down to how it's used.
Some use the Bible as science. This is ridiculous. I've heard people spout off how the christians are idiots because they believe the world is only a few thousand years old because the Bible says so. Except most christians know better. I know some christians who believe the fossils of the dinosaurs were put there by the devil to trick us into disbelieving the Bible. This is not what the majority believe. We know the world is much, much, MUCH older. We know there used to be giant lizards roaming the earth. In fact, as I've stated before, there are two separate creation stories in Genesis. Could it be that we should take the creation story with some degree of symbolism? Heck, could it also be that it was written in a time when there wasn't much scientific discovery going on? Context ruins everything doesn't it?
Some christians devote their whole moral identity to the teaching of the Bible. The only problem is that well... that's impossible. The Bible contradicts itself quite often. In fact, Jesus begins to preach that the letter of the law is not as important as people think. A woman is about to be stoned for adultery, in accordance with the law, but Jesus cleverly states "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I believe you can sum up Jesus's message with three words: love, tolerance, and forgiveness. Yet the old testament is filled with violence and bloodshed. This is why most christians take the scripture and run it through their own filter of reason. You'd be surprised how many christians aren't so blinded by the book as you think.
Ok I know this one is long, and I know a lot of you are probably mad at me, but you know what? I don't care. There are SO many other things I could (should) have put on here, but I just wanted to point out something. I don't judge you for believing differently than I do. In fact, I believe that through the peaceful and intelligent discussion of our differences, we can truly grow. But most people turn it into a "I must convince you to believe as I do, or mock you when you don't change" kind of person. So please judge me as an individual. I know it seems like I'm making several generalizations about people saying these about christians, but I am trying to remain gender neutral, and attacking the logic behind the statements, not the people making them. If you must comment, be warned that if you degrade your comments into mindless trolling or hate, I will delete the post, and perhaps remove you as a friend. I don't need more mindless hate in my life.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
The Terrorists Won
This one is controversial... So controversial I refuse to put it on facebook... and maybe I should reserve it for one of my three secret blogs... (which I never told you about ;-) )
I see such hate in this world... That's all mankind is good at spreading. I see so few stories about something good being done, or compassion on this Earth... it really starts to discourage me. My society states that there are so many other societies that will never stop fighting. So what do we do? We fight first. Is there love left? I don't see anyone who is able to put themselves in someone else's shoes. I have not met many people who think what their actions will do to another person from the other person's perspective. Out of those few, some do the actions fully knowing the harm it will do. That's a special kind of selfishness. It boggles the mind to think that the same political party that is dead set against gun registration is in support of the patriot act. It really bugs me when they quote Benjamin Franklin by saying "Those who sacrifice liberty to obtain temporary safety deserve neither," and don't see the huge idiocy. (Now in my opinion, gun registration has nothing to do with liberty but that's a different blog for a different time.) We sold our soul and became everything we've ever hated. And the reason is just one world... fear.
Or how about I use a synonym for fear? Terror. That's right, terror has changed our identity. That thing the terrorists are spreading to change America... well they spread it... and it changed America. We're in terror that the government is going to take away our guns. We're in terror that the government is becoming rooted in facism. We're in terror that Obama might be the next Hitler. We torture prisoners (cuz we are still stuck in the middle ages) and we justify getting away with it because they're not American citizens. We have only the concept of American rights... no concepts of human rights anymore. We're so xenophobic that when France did not support Bush's actions in Iraq, America decided to hate France... even though it turned out France was right. Let me reduce this to a schoolyard setting. America got all his friends to make fun of France because France didn't want to beat up Iraq simply for being friends with Afghanistan and maybe having some stink bombs. That's America for you... the fucking Jr. High student of the UN.
Nerdmode: When I was in Colorado for my cousin's wedding a couple years ago, we took a week off and made a vacation of it (like you do). Well on Sunday morning in church, I noticed in their bulletin that they had a Star Trek bible study that night. I told my parents about it and sure enough it was just as it sounds. They watch an episode of some form of Star Trek, read some scriptures that tie in to a theme in the episode, and have a discussion about it. The leader of the study picked an old favorite from the original series: Balance of Terror. It involves the Enterprise pursuing a Romulan warbird after it attacks several outposts, and makes a point of the parallels between Kirk and the Romulan commander, having one of the best lines in the series at the end: "In a different reality, I could have called you friend." This last line also fit in with the subplot which was the theme of the study. A bridge officer of the Enterprise is descended from some servicemen who served during the war with the Romulans. As such, he harbors a deep resentment towards the Romulans, a race that no one has ever even seen before. A whole war fought with a race you have no idea what they look like. Well then we get our first look at them... and they have pointed ears... in fact it is revealed that Romulans and Vulcans share ancestry... which makes this bridge officer lose it on Mr. Spock.
End Nerdmode
The point of that paragraph was to set up the discussion that followed. The study leader explained that such resentment and lack of forgiveness nearly cost the ship its life. As the discussion moved towards forgiving our enemies, the inevitable case of Osama Bin Laden was brought up. Should we forgive him? The study leader replied that while we should lock him up so he cannot harm again, we should not kill him. That matter of life or death should not be left up to us.
That night Osama Bin Laden was killed.
I keep thinking what that leader must have thought. Here she just told this group of people that Bin Laden should be spared and then the whole of American public opinion just kinda backlashed her. At the time I felt like a weight had been lifted, that we finally had him. Now that I look back... it was wrong. I remember the old Superman stories, always started with truth, justice, and the American way! But Superman never killed. He even went so far as to refuse to exterminate a virus because it was still life. The American way used to be locking the bad guy up, or his dying by his own hand. Superman could not ever bring himself to do it. One issue... he did. He killed three criminals for destroying billions of people. The act wound up haunting him forever... well until DC rebooted. American way used to involve a soul... it doesn't anymore. We're too afraid. Terror has changed us.
The terrorists won.
I see such hate in this world... That's all mankind is good at spreading. I see so few stories about something good being done, or compassion on this Earth... it really starts to discourage me. My society states that there are so many other societies that will never stop fighting. So what do we do? We fight first. Is there love left? I don't see anyone who is able to put themselves in someone else's shoes. I have not met many people who think what their actions will do to another person from the other person's perspective. Out of those few, some do the actions fully knowing the harm it will do. That's a special kind of selfishness. It boggles the mind to think that the same political party that is dead set against gun registration is in support of the patriot act. It really bugs me when they quote Benjamin Franklin by saying "Those who sacrifice liberty to obtain temporary safety deserve neither," and don't see the huge idiocy. (Now in my opinion, gun registration has nothing to do with liberty but that's a different blog for a different time.) We sold our soul and became everything we've ever hated. And the reason is just one world... fear.
Or how about I use a synonym for fear? Terror. That's right, terror has changed our identity. That thing the terrorists are spreading to change America... well they spread it... and it changed America. We're in terror that the government is going to take away our guns. We're in terror that the government is becoming rooted in facism. We're in terror that Obama might be the next Hitler. We torture prisoners (cuz we are still stuck in the middle ages) and we justify getting away with it because they're not American citizens. We have only the concept of American rights... no concepts of human rights anymore. We're so xenophobic that when France did not support Bush's actions in Iraq, America decided to hate France... even though it turned out France was right. Let me reduce this to a schoolyard setting. America got all his friends to make fun of France because France didn't want to beat up Iraq simply for being friends with Afghanistan and maybe having some stink bombs. That's America for you... the fucking Jr. High student of the UN.
Nerdmode: When I was in Colorado for my cousin's wedding a couple years ago, we took a week off and made a vacation of it (like you do). Well on Sunday morning in church, I noticed in their bulletin that they had a Star Trek bible study that night. I told my parents about it and sure enough it was just as it sounds. They watch an episode of some form of Star Trek, read some scriptures that tie in to a theme in the episode, and have a discussion about it. The leader of the study picked an old favorite from the original series: Balance of Terror. It involves the Enterprise pursuing a Romulan warbird after it attacks several outposts, and makes a point of the parallels between Kirk and the Romulan commander, having one of the best lines in the series at the end: "In a different reality, I could have called you friend." This last line also fit in with the subplot which was the theme of the study. A bridge officer of the Enterprise is descended from some servicemen who served during the war with the Romulans. As such, he harbors a deep resentment towards the Romulans, a race that no one has ever even seen before. A whole war fought with a race you have no idea what they look like. Well then we get our first look at them... and they have pointed ears... in fact it is revealed that Romulans and Vulcans share ancestry... which makes this bridge officer lose it on Mr. Spock.
End Nerdmode
The point of that paragraph was to set up the discussion that followed. The study leader explained that such resentment and lack of forgiveness nearly cost the ship its life. As the discussion moved towards forgiving our enemies, the inevitable case of Osama Bin Laden was brought up. Should we forgive him? The study leader replied that while we should lock him up so he cannot harm again, we should not kill him. That matter of life or death should not be left up to us.
That night Osama Bin Laden was killed.
I keep thinking what that leader must have thought. Here she just told this group of people that Bin Laden should be spared and then the whole of American public opinion just kinda backlashed her. At the time I felt like a weight had been lifted, that we finally had him. Now that I look back... it was wrong. I remember the old Superman stories, always started with truth, justice, and the American way! But Superman never killed. He even went so far as to refuse to exterminate a virus because it was still life. The American way used to be locking the bad guy up, or his dying by his own hand. Superman could not ever bring himself to do it. One issue... he did. He killed three criminals for destroying billions of people. The act wound up haunting him forever... well until DC rebooted. American way used to involve a soul... it doesn't anymore. We're too afraid. Terror has changed us.
The terrorists won.
Monday, April 29, 2013
VENT
Things that bug me right now:
People who can't take a fucking hint that when it takes me fucking forever to respond to a text, it's cuz i'm fucking sleeping
People that when told i'm sleeping cuz i have work tonite, keep fucking texting me
Girls who try to break up my relationship (some to date me, others for their own fucking reasons)
Guys who do the same (you couldn't even begin to fathom how awesome Amanda is, you can't handle her, don't even fucking try)
People who read a couple of my blogs and think they have me figured out
Things I thought were fucking confidential weren't so confidential... I respect your privacy, do the fucking same for me
Fucking idiots who think that because I'm Christian, I'm dumb, HEY RETARD!!! TRY NOT TO FUCKING GENERALIZE!!!! cuz you know... that kind of prejudice sounds VERY smart
People who think that because they're Christian, they're better than everyone else WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!
The fact that my fly trap got knocked over so now I have to buy a new one
The fact that a VERY important part of my life is 2000 miles away
Overnights
My manager is a fucking moron... I'm sorry, but the dumbest of my cats could run the store better than you
The fact that my motivation slipped and I haven't gone walking for a week
The fact that the weather was awesome, but because of my work schedule and my parents, had no time to go for a walk
The fact that the weather is going to go down to the 30's this weekend... WTF
The fact that my mother refuses to let my dad help me work on my house, because she wants a rummage sale for THEIR house
My mother
The fact that I have lost any ability to compose any music and everything I come up with sounds like complete and utter fucking crap
I feel my intelligence going down... soon I'll actually be equal to the idiots in this fucking town
That the simple beauty and culture of Iowa is being overshadowed by the worst elements of it, namely the fucking rednecks
Self centered high school kids who think the world has to revolve around them (oh college is going to fuck you hard... as well as some horny co-ed who doesn't want to use protection... have fun changing diapers)
The fact that I have more education than 3/4 of this fucking town, but they all think I'm a fucking idiot and can't believe I can give them correct change (you idiot I can do math so far above your fucking head, of course I can give you $1.67 back)
The fact that I found out that chocolate soy milk actually tastes good...
That starting the first of May... I'm giving up all pop and carbonated beverages... and I'm going to be in hell
That I'm actually going to go on a diet and all the health food costs twice as much as the crap food... no wonder obesity is an epidemic in this country
The fact that my idiot ignorant manager thinks that basic need stuff like food for the unfortunate in the form of food stamps is something she doesn't think we taxpayers have to fucking sink our money in to, but it's fine for her daughter's $40,000 a year salary
The fact that some of you will read that and take it as "Luke doesn't think teachers should get paid well"
The fact that some of you are now wondering how I DID mean it.
The fact that we keep fucking football in school, but music, drama, and the other fine arts have to struggle to maintain their place
The fact that I make so little I'll never be able to afford a new trombone
I wish people were excited or happy to have me as part of their life... rather than just tolerant
Since my loans are kicking my ass, I can't get any credit going
The fact that my emotional support system out here only consists of two people... one of which I can't even trust with my cat...
People who can't take a fucking hint that when it takes me fucking forever to respond to a text, it's cuz i'm fucking sleeping
People that when told i'm sleeping cuz i have work tonite, keep fucking texting me
Girls who try to break up my relationship (some to date me, others for their own fucking reasons)
Guys who do the same (you couldn't even begin to fathom how awesome Amanda is, you can't handle her, don't even fucking try)
People who read a couple of my blogs and think they have me figured out
Things I thought were fucking confidential weren't so confidential... I respect your privacy, do the fucking same for me
Fucking idiots who think that because I'm Christian, I'm dumb, HEY RETARD!!! TRY NOT TO FUCKING GENERALIZE!!!! cuz you know... that kind of prejudice sounds VERY smart
People who think that because they're Christian, they're better than everyone else WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!
The fact that my fly trap got knocked over so now I have to buy a new one
The fact that a VERY important part of my life is 2000 miles away
Overnights
My manager is a fucking moron... I'm sorry, but the dumbest of my cats could run the store better than you
The fact that my motivation slipped and I haven't gone walking for a week
The fact that the weather was awesome, but because of my work schedule and my parents, had no time to go for a walk
The fact that the weather is going to go down to the 30's this weekend... WTF
The fact that my mother refuses to let my dad help me work on my house, because she wants a rummage sale for THEIR house
My mother
The fact that I have lost any ability to compose any music and everything I come up with sounds like complete and utter fucking crap
I feel my intelligence going down... soon I'll actually be equal to the idiots in this fucking town
That the simple beauty and culture of Iowa is being overshadowed by the worst elements of it, namely the fucking rednecks
Self centered high school kids who think the world has to revolve around them (oh college is going to fuck you hard... as well as some horny co-ed who doesn't want to use protection... have fun changing diapers)
The fact that I have more education than 3/4 of this fucking town, but they all think I'm a fucking idiot and can't believe I can give them correct change (you idiot I can do math so far above your fucking head, of course I can give you $1.67 back)
The fact that I found out that chocolate soy milk actually tastes good...
That starting the first of May... I'm giving up all pop and carbonated beverages... and I'm going to be in hell
That I'm actually going to go on a diet and all the health food costs twice as much as the crap food... no wonder obesity is an epidemic in this country
The fact that my idiot ignorant manager thinks that basic need stuff like food for the unfortunate in the form of food stamps is something she doesn't think we taxpayers have to fucking sink our money in to, but it's fine for her daughter's $40,000 a year salary
The fact that some of you will read that and take it as "Luke doesn't think teachers should get paid well"
The fact that some of you are now wondering how I DID mean it.
The fact that we keep fucking football in school, but music, drama, and the other fine arts have to struggle to maintain their place
The fact that I make so little I'll never be able to afford a new trombone
I wish people were excited or happy to have me as part of their life... rather than just tolerant
Since my loans are kicking my ass, I can't get any credit going
The fact that my emotional support system out here only consists of two people... one of which I can't even trust with my cat...
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Day 05-your definition of love
oooooo here's an interesting one. Love comes in many forms. There's friendship love, there's familial love, there's compassion love, romantic love, and caring love. To me love at its heart means a willingness to do what you can to make the object of your love happy. When someone loves their pet, they want a good and happy life for said pet. When a man loves a woman (you read that in song didn't you?) he wants her to be truly happy. Even if it is not with him. It is that selfless attitude that separates love from the lesser forms like lust.
Day 04--What you ate today
2 mocha rockstar roasts from casey's
a sausage croissant sandwich from casey's
some cocoa krispies
cheesy hashbrowns
ham sandwich
another short one
a sausage croissant sandwich from casey's
some cocoa krispies
cheesy hashbrowns
ham sandwich
another short one
Day 03-Your Parents
Well what to say about my parents. My dad is a minister and my mother is a... well she loves working for newspapers. Right now she's selling ads. My dad went to college in his late 20's and now has a master's in theology. My mom has a bachelor's in business. My mom was big in to sports, my dad was a farm guy. My mom has one brother, my dad has 6 brothers and one sister. There really isn't much else to say... so.... SHORT POST!!!!
DAY 02--Your First Love
Ok well I failed after only one day at this... (working overnights and trying to clean out one house while remodeling another takes it out of you...) but I shall catch up now. So let's jump right in.
My first love... do you mean like the first crush I had when I was really little... or the first time I actually fell for someone? I'll go with the first time I fell for someone, it's more interesting and tragic. (Again no real names). Her name was Nikki. We went to school together and my first year at that school (was 6th grade) we weren't that close, but starting late that year and then working into jr. high, we started getting closer. I think it was driver's ed where we really took off. By the time we got to high school, we were best friends. Then we started taking band trips and choir trips (the jazz groups traveled a lot) and we were always together. Then came that dreaded moment... the moment I realized I thought of her as more than a friend. Well at first I don't think the feeling was reciprocated... at all. Then by our Junior year... things started to change. But since Luke has never been very good with the ladies, I didn't ask her to our junior prom. I remember thinking that I was going to ask her right after xmas break got over. I got a call the day after xmas... she went to a friend's family xmas and met the friend's brother... and that's when everything fell apart. He treated her like a sex toy, and it kills me. She was a fair princess between high school and college and when we were there... she just spent the whole time flirting with other guys and ignoring me, then almost just got in to some random guy's car. That was the other turning point. We started going to the same college, but she kept having guys sleep with her, and one time we even slept together (no funny stuff just sleep) But everything kind of fell through during college, we grew in to two separate people. Now she is dating some guy twice her age who isn't the nicest guy and she has two kids with him. Who knows what would have happened if I asked her to prom first, but it really doesn't matter now does it?
My first love... do you mean like the first crush I had when I was really little... or the first time I actually fell for someone? I'll go with the first time I fell for someone, it's more interesting and tragic. (Again no real names). Her name was Nikki. We went to school together and my first year at that school (was 6th grade) we weren't that close, but starting late that year and then working into jr. high, we started getting closer. I think it was driver's ed where we really took off. By the time we got to high school, we were best friends. Then we started taking band trips and choir trips (the jazz groups traveled a lot) and we were always together. Then came that dreaded moment... the moment I realized I thought of her as more than a friend. Well at first I don't think the feeling was reciprocated... at all. Then by our Junior year... things started to change. But since Luke has never been very good with the ladies, I didn't ask her to our junior prom. I remember thinking that I was going to ask her right after xmas break got over. I got a call the day after xmas... she went to a friend's family xmas and met the friend's brother... and that's when everything fell apart. He treated her like a sex toy, and it kills me. She was a fair princess between high school and college and when we were there... she just spent the whole time flirting with other guys and ignoring me, then almost just got in to some random guy's car. That was the other turning point. We started going to the same college, but she kept having guys sleep with her, and one time we even slept together (no funny stuff just sleep) But everything kind of fell through during college, we grew in to two separate people. Now she is dating some guy twice her age who isn't the nicest guy and she has two kids with him. Who knows what would have happened if I asked her to prom first, but it really doesn't matter now does it?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Day 1
Day 1: Introductions
That is me... well the one on the right. I'm not Mr. 47... I'm not a killer. If you thought I was... well then you should really be reading this one. I live in Garner... soon Klemme. I am in the process of remodeling a house in Klemme. I work at a convenience store called Casey's. It's horrible. The hours suck... it's not unusual for me to work 16 hour days. The pay sucks worse. The only good thing that has happened from my time there is meeting my current girlfriend. I will take a page from her book and not use her real name so we will call her... Ace.
That's Ace sportin' the super cool shades. She's pretty cool and also just plain pretty. We have a lot of fun together. But here's the hard part: she recently moved to her home state of Arizona. (That's also where that photo was taken) We're dorks together and it works very well actually.
I'm currently staying in my parents' basement until my house gets done, and the only 2 animals living in that house right now are my 2 kittens. (I'll actually use their real names since they can't sue) Jade and Kiwi. 2 very pretty kitties I've had all their life. Now I don't have any photos on this computer, but more will come... I promise.
Well that's good for day 1... stay tuned til next time.
That is me... well the one on the right. I'm not Mr. 47... I'm not a killer. If you thought I was... well then you should really be reading this one. I live in Garner... soon Klemme. I am in the process of remodeling a house in Klemme. I work at a convenience store called Casey's. It's horrible. The hours suck... it's not unusual for me to work 16 hour days. The pay sucks worse. The only good thing that has happened from my time there is meeting my current girlfriend. I will take a page from her book and not use her real name so we will call her... Ace.
That's Ace sportin' the super cool shades. She's pretty cool and also just plain pretty. We have a lot of fun together. But here's the hard part: she recently moved to her home state of Arizona. (That's also where that photo was taken) We're dorks together and it works very well actually.
I'm currently staying in my parents' basement until my house gets done, and the only 2 animals living in that house right now are my 2 kittens. (I'll actually use their real names since they can't sue) Jade and Kiwi. 2 very pretty kitties I've had all their life. Now I don't have any photos on this computer, but more will come... I promise.
Well that's good for day 1... stay tuned til next time.
30 days
Ok... I'm going to do this 30 day thing... (we'll see). This will appear on both my blogs so if you found a blog entitled The Starving Writer... you're gonna get very bored. Here's the 30 days:
Day 01 – Introduce yourself with pictures and words
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment
Where?
Well Amanda is living in Arizona now. I'm just sitting here wishing I had gone with. For those of you who don't know and care (I doubt there are any) I am going to be going back to school. Hopefully this fall, but we'll see. Believe it or not, it's in a completely different field. Oh don't worry, I'll still write music every now and then, but I'm going into one of two areas, medical laboratory or forensic science. There's just something that appeals to me about using lab equipment to figure out puzzles. Both of these careers also help others. I would actually be making a difference. This would definitely beat Casey's...
I know I've jumped around a lot, but it's just... ever since that kid at fareway 3 years ago, I haven't been able to shake my feelings of inadequacy... I feel like I am not living up to my life. I was told at my grandmother's funeral that the best thing I can do is live a life that would make her proud... I have not done that. Not at all...
One of my favorite phrases that I actually did come up with myself is "Live your life the way you want your wikipedia article to read." I have always felt like I am meant for a greater existence than this...
So I'm in the running for the kitchen manager at Casey's. I'm not sure if I'll accept it if I get it. I mean it's definitely a step up from bottom rung... but they want me on call 24/7. Yes it's a 24 hour store but... I don't think I'll be able to go to school... but I need the money and I... I wish Amanda was here. I could get a giant hug and know that everything will be fine in the end. But as it is... I'm trying to do what's best for me, I just have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I want more, and it seems Casey's is in my way... so what the hell do I do? I need a road map. Sigh... kid, I might be meant for more... but I can't seem to get there since I fucked up my chance. I'm such an idiot... I just... I want an absolute answer. But that is impossible.
I know I've jumped around a lot, but it's just... ever since that kid at fareway 3 years ago, I haven't been able to shake my feelings of inadequacy... I feel like I am not living up to my life. I was told at my grandmother's funeral that the best thing I can do is live a life that would make her proud... I have not done that. Not at all...
One of my favorite phrases that I actually did come up with myself is "Live your life the way you want your wikipedia article to read." I have always felt like I am meant for a greater existence than this...
So I'm in the running for the kitchen manager at Casey's. I'm not sure if I'll accept it if I get it. I mean it's definitely a step up from bottom rung... but they want me on call 24/7. Yes it's a 24 hour store but... I don't think I'll be able to go to school... but I need the money and I... I wish Amanda was here. I could get a giant hug and know that everything will be fine in the end. But as it is... I'm trying to do what's best for me, I just have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I want more, and it seems Casey's is in my way... so what the hell do I do? I need a road map. Sigh... kid, I might be meant for more... but I can't seem to get there since I fucked up my chance. I'm such an idiot... I just... I want an absolute answer. But that is impossible.
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