There was a time when I thought my happiness had peaked. That I was as happy as I was going to be. Then Amanda left, and things started falling apart. I didn't get my promotion at work (for the 2nd time in a row) and when I tried to talk to Amanda about it... felt like I just got swept away and ignored. So when I tried to confront her with this feeling, it would up pushing her too far, and she ended the relationship. I felt horrible. I felt abandoned. With the whole Jason thing and then feeling like I just got tossed aside so easily... I felt worthless... I can honestly say that the first half of this year... those 6 months, are easily the most depressed I have ever felt in my life. I spent the entire time hiding and trying to be strong for everyone else near me (their lives were also falling apart and needed someone to give them emotional support). I never got the support I so desperately needed. I can honestly say if I ever considered suicide... I came the closest I'd ever been that last week of May.
I lost most of my friends trying to defend my girlfriend, and wound up losing my girlfriend, so when the dust settled, I had such a small support group... it almost destroyed me. A few people tried to keep me together, they will not be forgotten. I couldn't let go of the hope that I could somehow win Amanda back. I kept warring with my intense anger and compassion for her.
I tell you this so you may fully understand that I put way too much emphasis on my external image. I felt like a failure because I had a bottom rung job and just got dumped by my girlfriend (at the time it seemed like better prospects, though I doubt it was). I was sinking in debt, trapped in my parents' basement, and realizing that while alive, my bank account had a balance of -$20... but dead, my life insurance kicked in, and I was worth $50,000. Not a good thought process.
The a couple people told me something. "You're trapped in the past, turn around and look to the future and you'll see what you've been missing." and "She's not worth the hell you're going through, find someone who is and they'll never have to prove it." I changed my outlook on life. Decided to put everything I could into my job, to try and scrawl out a living for myself somehow.
Then I got a call... a possible promotion... Normally I'd inform my coworker, also looking for a promotion. She found out anyway and we wound up competing for it. However... this same coworker who I found out was solely responsible for a lot of the problems I was having in my life lately, tried to fight dirty and threatened to walk out if I got the promotion. Then in a matter of Karma and justice... I got the job. That day I overcame most of my demons from this past year.
Now I run my own store. I'm still getting the feel for it, but it's a good store. My band of cohorts are a riot. My assistant was not thought highly of by my trainer, but we are a lot alike. He's from Arizona (like someone else my faithful readers... or reader... will know), and he does work hard. My staff all have good attitudes, and can give each other shit like you wouldn't believe. I haven't heard so much laughter in a Casey's ever. The customers are mostly a delight. Yes there are a few I would rather not see so often, but 99% of them are great people. I get way more playful banter out of them then I ever did at my old store. My pay is more than double my old pay, (I made more on my last check with just a week on it, than I ever did with my old checks). Next week I'm moving into an apartment in town there, and all 3 of my strange mischievous cats are coming with me.
Now I didn't write this blog to brag about how awesome my life is now (even though it is). I wrote this blog to detail how changing my mindset affected my world. I tried running away, I tried giving up... it didn't work out. I tried burying myself, I lost my support and I thought that I was done for... Instead I realized what I needed to fight for. I saw that I was trapped fighting for things that were never worth it to begin with, I fought for a mediocre promotion, a mediocre house... a mediocre life. Then I realized I can do better. When something in life opened up, I was noticed. Someone saw me reaching for the stars, and they let me see if I could fly. I also write this blog so that people know... life beats everyone down. At one point, you're gonna feel like your life goes nowhere, that you'll never amount to anything. Truth is... with time and hard work... you will amount to something. Funny thing about life... it never stops moving forward... if you struggle against the currents, you're going to drown. Just move forward with it, and you might find your new destination much better than your intended one.
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