This one is going to be horribly unstructured... which coming from me says a lot.
As we approach black Friday, I ask that we keep a few things in mind that we forget so often. I want us to remember that each person there, customer or cashier, is a human being. They have laughed, they have cried. Many have loved, many have lost. They each have their own hopes and dreams, fears and regrets. I've noticed that people who never have anything mean to say will go ballistic on employees of stores they go to. Why? Because people think employees who work in customer service can't do anything about it. It's a power thing. They make demands or have little demeaning comments about these poor employees because if the employee stands up for themselves, they will have angered a customer and will get fired. This mentality is basically like running a foot race against someone in a coma, you do it because you know you'll win.
Lately an old adversary has come back in to my life. He was kind of a rival for the affections of a woman I used to date, but he threw away his chance and since that day, we've been at odds. The stupid thing about the whole situation is that I'm not even with her anymore. I wondered if he recognized me, or if the drugs had completely rotted his brain, but I'm beginning to think he does. He seems to delight in dropping in and trying to cause some kind of chaos in my store. Last time he came in talking to the person he was with about his ex... I apparently have more willpower than I realized... in fact, if she and I were still dating, I'd have lost it. Whether or not he recognizes me, he seems to delight in bringing hell into my store... just don't fuck with my staff... it won't end well for you.
People like this deserve a special place in hell. They fail to see other people as... well... people. They judge those around them, yet do not know their story at all. Hell some people think I'm some kind of stupid idiot because I don't have a bachelor's. Ummm... for that logic to work out, You'd basically have to say you were simply adequate. Nothing special there. Moron. But we only see our own little insignificant world. We don't see the meta picture. We don't see how our lives collide and intersect with one another. Random occurrences that save lives. In the last year I've been blessed with apparently twice saving someone. One time, it was a mistaken phone number, and through texts, I managed to make someone feel worthwhile enough to live on for a little while longer. Another time I had a customer come up and tell me something truly remarkable.
I pride myself in knowing my customers. My dedicated regulars are some of the only social interaction I get. I love seeing most of them. I take a great deal of pride in having their brand of cigarette or can of chew sitting next to my register before they get to me. I had one come in and told me that she had just received a promotion at her new job after only having been there for 9 months and it was because of me. When I asked what she was talking about she told me this: About a year ago, she was not doing well. Her fiance had been cheating on her, she had gotten fired, and a string of bad luck made her feel invisible. Then she came in for some much needed cigarettes and I had her brand ready for her. She said when she asked me how I knew, I told her that she's my customer and that made it important. So she refused to give up and didn't move in with her parents, and now things look up.
We don't realize how big or small our impact may be on someone. Encounters I've had with people the past few days and the loss of 4 people in my life (I'm sure many of you are aware of some of them), plus this recent news of a local death that really hits hard after all this... It's made me reevaluate who I am. I've been exercising regularly, and I've done pretty good. I have tried to give up energy drinks (although I did have a relapse this weekend, SORRY). I have been altering my image, getting more professional clothes, a hair cut, and I'll probably bring back the clean shaven look. I got a new coat this weekend. It's a much dressier coat than my old leather one... and I just feel empowered when I wear it. I feel like I matter. I'm working hard to move in to my house mainly so I can come home to my cats again. People wonder why I'm so fond of those three little hair balls, well... despite almost all of my friendships failing, Nearly all my romances ending with betrayal, it's nice to have something there that you know enjoys you being there all the time, every time. I've started reading my philosophy and ethics books again. Started reading my church history and studies on the Bible again. I have brought out my old music books and started analyzing them, Even started writing a little music again. Heck, I've also looked through my old physics books. Why am I doing these things?
I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. People say I'm doing this to increase my odds of meeting someone. Hey if that happens, cool bonus, but the fact of the matter is, I want to matter more to myself. I sold my soul to Casey's. I want it back and I'm not settling until I've won it back and made it the best.
I am but a lone speck in the universe, but I will be the best speck I can!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Before the Dawn
This past week was awful. Between the deer and my aunt dying and then a bunch of shit happening at work, I was done. I was even planning on getting completely hammered Friday night. However... I didn't. Drinking isn't me anymore... it really wasn't me before. I wound up just taking a nap and then doing some drawing and talked to some friends. I am also very glad I didn't drink any alcohol this weekend... I found out that my aunt's death was due to a drunk driver on the wrong side of the interstate going 80 mph.
I've always had a high level of dislike for people who are too stupid to make plans when they go out drinking to have a driver or a cab or something. Now it's turned to outright hate. If I ever hear that you've driven drunk... I don't think you'll recover from how much respect you'll lose from me.
One thing happened this past week though. My insomnia went away. I was talking to my two best friends late last week and the next night... poof I slept... a lot. My depression and stress don't control me anymore. They helped me through that. How? They know me. Now I had a lot of friends offer their time if I needed to talk to someone. I appreciate the offer but... I needed to go with people that knew me front and back. I have several friends who think they know me well, but they really don't. Some think I have a major problem with confrontation (even telling my staff that... who quickly learned differently). Some think I absolutely hate dogs... No I just don't have enough experience to effectively take care of one by myself, I know how cats think, I've been around them my whole life. If you can't get the basic stuff right, then you'll never understand me well enough for me to confide in you.
My best friends, especially these two in particular have known me for years. Both instances, it's almost blind luck that brought us into each others' lives. I went to college with one, we were both in the trombone section (I also met another best friend in that section... cool). We hardly ever talked while we were in school. It wasn't until she transferred out that we started talking. I got bored and wanted someone to talk to and she was online at the time so I figured, why not. Thus was born one of the strongest friendships I've known.
As for the other trombone player, that friendship went through hell and had to be completely torn down and rebuilt, I mention this because that's the exact same thing that happened to the other friend I talked to last week.
She's actually my ex. While I try to remain friends with my previous girlfriends... it's really only worked once before, and one is still trying to make it work now... we'll see. But when she and I first met, it was through work, and we just started talking and just clicked. We had fun working together, we joked around while she was away visiting family for the holidays, and we spent a whole day just sitting in my van talking simply because we had nowhere else we really wanted to be. We started dating not long after that and in reality... It was probably one of the better relationships I've had at first. We had lots of good times together. Well when things happened here that made her have to decide if she should remain or go back to be with her family, I knew the only option was to let her go. It would mostly likely end the relationship, but sometimes you've got to let the bird out of the cage... their feathers are just too bright. What happened between when we made the decision and when she left caused a lot of pain. Left huge gaping wounds... I was completely demolished over it. I didn't think we'd recover, no matter how forgiving I was...
Yet here we are. We both took the time to let each other breathe for a bit. We came back and started talking again... and we've finally rebuilt that friendship to the level it was before we started dating. Ironically, the first friend I talked about was very helpful in pushing me to try this 2nd one out again.
Why am I writing this blog? One, because I want it in writing explaining how much these people mean to me. Two. I want people to realize why my attitude towards drinking and driving might seem... strict. and Three: because this goes to say, no matter what you're going through, if you have people in your life who will truly sacrifice for you, you'll make it through every dark chapter. Even when it seems hopeless, like the darkness will never go away. People who care and love you... they'll help you get through the darkest parts just before the dawn.
I've always had a high level of dislike for people who are too stupid to make plans when they go out drinking to have a driver or a cab or something. Now it's turned to outright hate. If I ever hear that you've driven drunk... I don't think you'll recover from how much respect you'll lose from me.
One thing happened this past week though. My insomnia went away. I was talking to my two best friends late last week and the next night... poof I slept... a lot. My depression and stress don't control me anymore. They helped me through that. How? They know me. Now I had a lot of friends offer their time if I needed to talk to someone. I appreciate the offer but... I needed to go with people that knew me front and back. I have several friends who think they know me well, but they really don't. Some think I have a major problem with confrontation (even telling my staff that... who quickly learned differently). Some think I absolutely hate dogs... No I just don't have enough experience to effectively take care of one by myself, I know how cats think, I've been around them my whole life. If you can't get the basic stuff right, then you'll never understand me well enough for me to confide in you.
My best friends, especially these two in particular have known me for years. Both instances, it's almost blind luck that brought us into each others' lives. I went to college with one, we were both in the trombone section (I also met another best friend in that section... cool). We hardly ever talked while we were in school. It wasn't until she transferred out that we started talking. I got bored and wanted someone to talk to and she was online at the time so I figured, why not. Thus was born one of the strongest friendships I've known.
As for the other trombone player, that friendship went through hell and had to be completely torn down and rebuilt, I mention this because that's the exact same thing that happened to the other friend I talked to last week.
She's actually my ex. While I try to remain friends with my previous girlfriends... it's really only worked once before, and one is still trying to make it work now... we'll see. But when she and I first met, it was through work, and we just started talking and just clicked. We had fun working together, we joked around while she was away visiting family for the holidays, and we spent a whole day just sitting in my van talking simply because we had nowhere else we really wanted to be. We started dating not long after that and in reality... It was probably one of the better relationships I've had at first. We had lots of good times together. Well when things happened here that made her have to decide if she should remain or go back to be with her family, I knew the only option was to let her go. It would mostly likely end the relationship, but sometimes you've got to let the bird out of the cage... their feathers are just too bright. What happened between when we made the decision and when she left caused a lot of pain. Left huge gaping wounds... I was completely demolished over it. I didn't think we'd recover, no matter how forgiving I was...
Yet here we are. We both took the time to let each other breathe for a bit. We came back and started talking again... and we've finally rebuilt that friendship to the level it was before we started dating. Ironically, the first friend I talked about was very helpful in pushing me to try this 2nd one out again.
Why am I writing this blog? One, because I want it in writing explaining how much these people mean to me. Two. I want people to realize why my attitude towards drinking and driving might seem... strict. and Three: because this goes to say, no matter what you're going through, if you have people in your life who will truly sacrifice for you, you'll make it through every dark chapter. Even when it seems hopeless, like the darkness will never go away. People who care and love you... they'll help you get through the darkest parts just before the dawn.
Monday, November 3, 2014
I'm Through
I'm always tired now. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always low functioning. I have a ghost of a life. I have no close friends within reach anymore. I have most in Sioux City, a few down around Ames and Des Moines, and one way over in Colorado. Other people try to be my close friends, but they've dropped the ball so many times I just stop trying. I don't trust easily, and once that trust is lost I'll never trust you the same way again. That includes reading this blog and thinking you know what I think and feel, and then telling someone things about how I feel... and you're so far off the mark it's not even funny. That's right, I know who you are and what you did.
I hit a deer yesterday. Completely tore up the front portion of my van... which is now most likely totaled. I mean I'm 99.99% sure it's dead. Then in the same day, I find out my aunt was in a head on collision and died. I haven't seen her in years... and the reason why sickens me.
Casey's
Now to be fair, it's also kind of her fault when she injured herself and couldn't make it to the most recent family reunion (the one I actually got time off to attend). But the one last year? I just took over my store and didn't feel it was appropriate to go on vacation so suddenly. The two family weddings we had the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, these two employees walked out and we just fired your girlfriend, and you're the only other one who knows how to make donuts besides me, and I can't work because I'm salary." (side note, I would NEVER do this to one of my employees). The family holiday celebration the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, this employee already asked for that day off and even though I have twice the employees I should and you're only part time right now, I can't have two employees ask for the same day off, and just to make sure, I'll make you work while four other employees don't work the same period you wanted off... and are begging for hours" That is until I asked them.
I've sold my soul to the devil. I gave up things I loved and cherished for this company... and now I want them back. How am I repayed for these sacrifices? Them doing exactly what they promised me they wouldn't. I'm now hearing from the city that they bought the cow palace and are planning a new Casey's there. I see the writing on the wall. They're about to stab me in the back. Well now... before I was simply keeping an ear out for new business opportunities... starting today I am actively looking. I have a town with people who know me for me, who understand what you've done to me. We are fucking people, not some pawns in your little game of corporate chess.
I'm seeing a change in myself. I can go one of two ways. I'll either take the cold hearted, evil approach (which will not spell well for my staff) or I will tke the approach of running away from this company and getting my life and soul back. Which one do you think I'll take? I'll give you a hint, as long as I'm with Casey's... things are not going to be bright...
Life is too short to live like this. Too many times I've tried to help everyone else, and it never work for me. I'm sick of burning my soul for people who only want to watch me burn. I am done with it. I'm done handing my fragile heart to women with butterfingers. I'm sick of always being there for people who are never there for me.
Fuck you all.
I hit a deer yesterday. Completely tore up the front portion of my van... which is now most likely totaled. I mean I'm 99.99% sure it's dead. Then in the same day, I find out my aunt was in a head on collision and died. I haven't seen her in years... and the reason why sickens me.
Casey's
Now to be fair, it's also kind of her fault when she injured herself and couldn't make it to the most recent family reunion (the one I actually got time off to attend). But the one last year? I just took over my store and didn't feel it was appropriate to go on vacation so suddenly. The two family weddings we had the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, these two employees walked out and we just fired your girlfriend, and you're the only other one who knows how to make donuts besides me, and I can't work because I'm salary." (side note, I would NEVER do this to one of my employees). The family holiday celebration the year before that? "Oh sorry Luke, this employee already asked for that day off and even though I have twice the employees I should and you're only part time right now, I can't have two employees ask for the same day off, and just to make sure, I'll make you work while four other employees don't work the same period you wanted off... and are begging for hours" That is until I asked them.
I've sold my soul to the devil. I gave up things I loved and cherished for this company... and now I want them back. How am I repayed for these sacrifices? Them doing exactly what they promised me they wouldn't. I'm now hearing from the city that they bought the cow palace and are planning a new Casey's there. I see the writing on the wall. They're about to stab me in the back. Well now... before I was simply keeping an ear out for new business opportunities... starting today I am actively looking. I have a town with people who know me for me, who understand what you've done to me. We are fucking people, not some pawns in your little game of corporate chess.
I'm seeing a change in myself. I can go one of two ways. I'll either take the cold hearted, evil approach (which will not spell well for my staff) or I will tke the approach of running away from this company and getting my life and soul back. Which one do you think I'll take? I'll give you a hint, as long as I'm with Casey's... things are not going to be bright...
Life is too short to live like this. Too many times I've tried to help everyone else, and it never work for me. I'm sick of burning my soul for people who only want to watch me burn. I am done with it. I'm done handing my fragile heart to women with butterfingers. I'm sick of always being there for people who are never there for me.
Fuck you all.
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