Mind Wandering in Missouri

Ok... I'm on vacation in Branson, MO and things are weird. Emotionally I mean, but things are nonetheless weird. Some good and some bad.

I guess I'll start with the good. I'm actually having fun going to all the shows and stuff here. My best friend is moving back to the area from Minnesota. During some of the darker moments of the past couple years, she was instrumental in keeping me sane. I am really glad I'll be able to see her in person again! Speaking of good friends, Amanda and I have been talking a lot more lately. We've actually talked on the phone for several nights. I didn't realize how much I missed having a close friendship with her. The wonderful thing about this is that there aren't any other emotions to muck it up. I'm really glad she and I are finally starting to go back to where our friendship used to be.

Now I'm going to say something to some certain people I know read this blog. You may know what happened to that relationship, you have your opinions. I know most of you feel I should just tell her to leave me be and block her. Thing is... the people closest to me understand me. They know how my brain works. They know that my friendship with Amanda actually gives me strength now, much like Brenda or Lyssa. The friendship strengthened by the ashes of the relationship is invincible. Those are so precious, so leave me alone.

Besides, I'm going to need them. A Darkness is coming back into my life. I thought I was done with it, but I wasn't even close. It's putting m insomnia into overdrive. I think I've gotten a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past week, and I'm getting less every day. Last time this happened, I almost destroyed my life. Now... I'm scared. Only my closest friends the past year know what I'm talking about. I hope I can survive this again... I want to go through it with my friends, but I also want to do it alone, lest they see that side of me. I'm so unsure of what to do... I think for now I'll do what I always do, try to help the people I love out at any cost. Maybe someday I'll be able to tell each of them what they really mean to me... especially one in particular...

If you try to talk to me about this and I raise my shields, please don't be offended. There's such a small number I'd trust with these more intimate details about me. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Maybe someday I'll open up to you. Fair warning: if you even try to push me after I've sealed up... You will receive the backlashes to end all backlashes. Don't even try, you won't like it.

It's weird to think about our past loves sometimes. Yet when we do look back, free from the emotions that corrupted our thoughts in the past, we really learn a lot about ourselves. I look back and I realize the type of person I am, as well as who I fall for usually.

I'm the guy who falls hardest when it's for my best friend. I forge multiple friendships and we're all close, but then there's always one that stands out. I don't know if the friendship evolves farther because of the feelings, or if the feelings develop because the friendship evolves farther. Maybe it's like the chicken and the egg. What I do know is that I've never had a lasting friendship you could call my "best" friend. Somewhat because I moved all the time as a kid, some because I'm a social pariah. I think one of the main causes though is the relationship that develops enters "no going back" territory... and then tries to go back. Four times in my past I've fallen for my best friend, three of those times the friendship was devastated. The fourth time was actually different, the only instance we salvaged it and built it better than before... but that required a LOT of effort on both our parts.

I've learned that I need some stronger feelings than just a simple crush before I start a relationship with someone. I can count three times in my life I started a romantic relationship with someone who I only had a minor crush on... and the longest one of these lasted a month. One lasted 3 days. (though I'm not sure if you can even call that a relationship...) I don't know if it's because I don't know these women as well and massive personality conflicts start, or if a relationship is trying to get built when there's nothing strong enough there, or what the deal is. I've never had one work out, they all end the same way, one person trying to salvage what may not have ever been there to begin with. Casual dating is one thing, but until you've got strong enough feelings to start to build something on don't jump the gun. It never works... ever.

There are two relationship from my past that define my skepticism about love. They're the reasons I have trust issues. I won't let you in to the depths of my soul until you convince me you're going to treat me better than these two. What's sad is I am actually still friends with one, but as far as ever dating her again, fuck that. These two are the ones that I opened up to completely and had my heart incinerated. In both instances they betrayed me, refused to acknowledge the betrayal for what it was, acted like betraying me was my fault, expected me to make all the sacrifices and refused to compromise on anything, When told about some of my crazy dreams in life, they'd mock me. They'd close themselves off from me, start confiding in other guys which led to the previously mentioned betrayal, but they'd have a fit if I wasn't willing to talk to them about why I'm feeling down today, even if it's something stupid. If you close off on me, I tend to do the same, sorry it's what happens. If I ever am with a woman for a length of time and she makes me feel like she would never do any of these things... that's the one I'll be with forever.

Now looking where I'm at now as well as the past I realize something... The women who have made the most profound impact on my soul, the relationships that have molded me... all have one thing in common. It took me forever to admit that I had feelings for them. It's usually a case of everyone else seeing it before me. I will know I have feelings for them, but I never tell myself that. I'll feel that sense of joy when they've accomplished something and are happy about it, but that's just pride in a friend. I'll smile just by looking at the name on my phone when they text or call me before I even know what they're going to say, but that's just because I like to talk to them. I go to bed thinking about someone, wake up still thinking about them... nope just... strange subconscious. I eventually want to do everything I can to make them happy, they deserve to reach their goals, even if they don't need my help... or have someone else beside them when they do, I want them to reach their dreams... well that's just being a good friend. That someone beside them though... I'd really like that to be me. Well that's just... ummm... ah crap. That's when I fall and fall hard. I can't get anything right, I'm trying to be funny and charming and can't pull them off to save my life. Sad thing is... it's just happened to me again.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I've fallen hard for someone but they're so far above my league it's laughable. They just got out of a relationship and they've already got guys trying to win them over, I'm a minnow in a shark tank it feels like. If any guy wins her over though and then betrays her... you will beg for something as sweet as pain by the time I'm through with you...

Really?!

I'm sure many of you have heard on the news about the celebrity private photos getting leaked. I truly feel sorry for those affected by this obvious breach in their privacy. I have not actually seen these photos, and I refuse to even search for them. Somethings I do find alarming are the kinds of responses I am hearing from some people on the subject. Now a great deal seem to have the reaction I agree with, they feel this is not right in any sense of the word. I agree with them that this represents a huge intrusion into the lives of these people and I wish them the best of luck in recovering from this. The other group however... they have a variety of reactions, ranging from the idiotic to the disturbing and dangerous. I want to address some of them now, if not to add my voice to the sea of opinions on the matter (because the internet is the perfect place for it...)

They're celebrities, it's part of the life.

Ok... let's just think about this logically. Let's just analyze this argument in its base form.

P1. Person X is a celebrity

P2. Having nude photos of yourself stolen and leaked on the internet is common to celebrities.

C. Person X should accept that the nude photos were leaked.

Problem one with this argument is that it assumes we must accept anything that is common, think about that.

P1. X is something common

C. X is acceptable

Imagine if The United States had this logic in the 1800's...

P1. Slavery is common

C. Slavery is acceptable

Well I guess we wouldn't have had the Civil War...

That argument is completely flawed. But even if you're an idiot who accepts that argument, I present this to you. If you had your computer hacked and private photos leaked on the internet, I bet you'd be calling it immoral or unjust. That means you define it as an immoral action, the only reason you're ok with it happening to these people is that their celebrities. Which means the actual argument you're making is that it's ok to perform immoral actions on celebrities... what kind of sick freak are you?

They shouldn't have had the photos if they didn't want them getting out.

Ignoring the fact that in several instances... the photos were actually pulled from the computer graveyard after being deleted, let's think about this one too. This means that someone having something wants it to get out. So basically it's like saying, you shouldn't have had your money if you didn't want it getting out. These photos were stolen. Someone's private property was taken without their consent. That's stealing pure and simple. So if you're ok with this, well... that's a nice looking PS4 you have over there...

These women are attractive and some very confident in it, so what should it matter to them if a few people want to look at these photos?

This one is probably the most dangerous one I've heard yet...

This one says that if someone is attractive, they shouldn't have an outrage at someone looking at them nude without their consent. This gets into the idea that her body is not her own. I've written blogs about objectifying women and rape culture before, but this mentality is where it starts. The idea that she should not feel violated if her body is used for your pleasure. That's what you're saying when you say this. One of the main reasons people have been looking for these photos is most likely sexual release. Think about that... There are people using these photos of someone's naked body for sexual release without the person in the photo's consent. Oh hell, let's just be blunt, these sick people are using someone else's body, without their consent, for sexual release. Even without the actual physical contact... that sounds an awful lot like rape to me... The same way a guy texting sexual messages to a woman behind his wife's back is cheating, or a 60 year old man sending a 13 year old girl a picture of himself naked is sexual harassment, that is just plain wrong. You're not embarking on innocent fun. If you are one of those freaks, I encourage you to think about something. Think about the woman in that photo you like so much as a person, a living breathing person with hopes and dreams, with goals and fears. Realize that she is somebody's daughter. In many cases she is a sister, cousin, or even a mother. Now imagine some stranger halfway around the country stole a nude photo of your daughter or sister or mother or cousin, and right now they are doing the same thing with that photo as you do with the celebrity's photo.

I wish more people had empathy. That they would try and feel someone else's pain more often. They might have a deeper understanding of the people in their life. I'm just so disgusted by a lot of people right now... I mean come on guys... Really?!