Opening Pandora's Box Worked for Kratos

Things have been getting easier and harder at the same time... if that's even possible. My job is somewhat secure, it helps that the golden boy manager from another town I was always being compared to is now leaving because he can't handle the pressure. Yeah... you SURE you want me to be just like him?

Then there's the other stuff, stuff in my personal life. It's getting harder and harder to keep myself in check. I've spoken to maybe one or two of my friends on this matter... it's just hard to pull from that box, but keep it sealed at the same time. And several days ago, I had to. I would never forgive myself if I let my own selfish insecurities hinder me when I was needed. But it feels like the box is open now... and now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't disappear, it would be devastating... but it hurts every time now... I want to scream.

The worst part is, I feel some of my goals to get attached to the situation. I feel like I'm striving for my goals, not because they're what is important for me, but because it will help with that situation. When the inevitable comes (as it always does) I'm going to be stuck feeling like an empty shell, where the only emotion I feel is pain, and no desire to reach any of my goals. Trust me, it's what happened last time.

...Then I saw Rise of the Sea Urchins.

This is an indie film made by local area people, including two of my former employees (although I only consider one because the other was here for a week after I took over the store). Let me tell you something... it's pretty bad. I've seen worse movies, but this one beats them just by a hair. As I was watching it and tearing it to pieces, I remembered something my mother read to me when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. We had shown my elementary school play to my cousins, and they rejoiced when I finally forgot a line (I had one of the two leads...) and she thought I was absolutely devastated by their comments... which I actually wasn't. So she read this to me:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

--Theodore Roosevelt

It hit me that these people had a vision. They took a chance and they went for it. I for one applaud them for their bravery and persistence of vision. I take inspiration from that. And from there, I know that my goals aren't going to be met by me trying to impress someone or show off, they're going to be met by my own desire to see them fulfilled. From that... I draw strength. I know that this situation won't be easy, but I will persist to be the person I am... because I am proud of that part of me. There is nothing that can change that for me.

My name is Luke James Evans. I am 28 years old. I run a tiny gas station in a small town that thinks it's a city. This is who I am, but it is NOT all I have to offer.