Memories, Changes, Disappointments, Surprises

I took a few days for vacation and left Friday morning for Sioux City. I was originally going to a family reunion in Spirit Lake, but that got canceled, so I had time off with nothing to do. I figured it would be a grand ole time to head down there and see how many old friends I could see. I had not realized it was the wedding of an old college friend (which I wasn't invited to but I'm not bitter) and so many people were incredibly busy with that. I can't blame them, this plan came up out of nowhere and the wedding is a definite bigger thing. I was still kinda disappointed though, but I doubt this will be my last chance to see them.

That's not to say I didn't see anyone, however. I got in touch with Mike and we grilled steaks and discussed the goings on in our lives. We played some video games, laughed at our spectacular failings, and drank mountain dew. It was like old times, but without that looming threat of class over our heads. It was a blast! I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I think part of it was that I could just relax and hang out. I've not been able to do that with people lately, too much floating through my mind, so this was a much needed break. I also spent some time with Tracey. While it was great having a guys night with Mike, it was also great spending time with a girl and not worrying about dating issues. I could again just be me and not have to worry about that little voice in my head second guessing everything I say. Just hanging out with some girls is something I really haven't done since college, and it was nice to feel that way again. However, Tracey and I still discussed online dating issues...

Online dating... what in the... Ok... we all know that Luke is not the most skilled guy when it comes to winning and keeping the hearts of the opposite sex... but wow... just... wow. The whole thing was falling apart for me. I would log in, and if I got any nibbles, it was always a response to something I sent, and usually a "not interested" thing. Sometimes I'd get someone... not sane. The whole thing was simply not working out. Well that kinda changed.

I had recognized her from the store and tried messaging her but my internet was funky so it didn't work. Figured I'd try later. Well... she beat me to it. So I started talking to her, and it's been a lot of fun. It's been fun flirting with someone I actually kind of like, rather than that innocent, just trying to make you laugh, flirting I do with everyone else. I figure that at the very least, I've got a new friend. Will we keep talking? I hope so. Will we start something more? Who knows. Right now, I'm enjoying the ride and life is really starting to click again.

I went back through my old blogs and journals today. I reached the point when things started looking darker and darker. This is when I found out the woman I'd been sharing a bed with was hitting on another guy, to the point of talking about being friends with benefits with him... while still "dating" me. I read through them and saw that all too familiar darkness creep in. I saw my attempts to forgive her to keep that darkness at bay. I saw my struggles against something I knew was a lost cause. I saw the entries from right after it failed. I saw all the "woe is me" stuff. One thing caught my eye. I wrote:

I feel as though I've been thrown into darkness. I was in a valley heading towards a cave. I tried to turn away from the cave but I'm trapped in that valley. I want to turn around or at least stay where I'm at, but the unstoppable force of time pushes me closer to that cave. Then it happened, that cave I knew was coming but could not avoid engulfed me. I turn to the entrance, but there is nothing but a stone wall there now. I have few options. I want to throw myself against the wall, to burst back into the area I know. Yes there was pain there, but there was light. I know that the wall will not move. No amount of strength will get me back there. I want to stay where I am. This darkness pierces my very soul. I do not feel like I can go on. I do not know if there is even a way out, I do not see light coming from an exit. I see only darkness. I take my third option. I will walk one foot in front of another. I do not know if I will find an exit, I do not know if this pain will leave me. I do know that I will push on until my legs collapse. The darkness can not claim me without a fight. I have faith in the light that awaits me. I may not know where it is, I may not even see it, but that faith shall move me forward when everything else tries to keep me back.

I wrote that just under a year ago. It hits me that it has been over a year since that part of my soul was ripped out of me. It also hits me that in that year my life has grown far more than it has in the past 4 since college. I've made some new friends, felt some heartache, broke a few hearts, (believe it or not). But this one year has seen me grow into someone new. I'm not the person who wrote that entry, I'm not the person who used to play games with Mike, I'm not the person who had incredibly awkward and inappropriate conversations with Tracey. I am those things and more.

I drove around Morningside College and it's undergone some radical changes too. New buildings that are skyscrapers compared to the others. There are still parts that make it Morningside, but it is definitely not the same college I went to. Morningside has grown, new professors have come and gone. The same is said for my old high school. Kingsley-Pierson is different now. All these changes... but this is how life works.

My life is ever changing, ever moving. I see this now more clearly than ever. I spent time with old friends whose lives are also changing. These were the people who helped make me into who I am today. I noticed while I was hanging out with Mike after eating with Tracey, some of my friends will continue to shape who I am even now. But the biggest thing I learned this weekend will stay with me forever:

My life is finally moving forward.

Biting My Tongue

It seems like all I've been doing lately is biting my tongue. I see a world full of idiots and they all seem to congregate towards me. Now I'm not saying that anyone who has entered my life is an idiot, hardly. Most of the people I choose to associate myself with are very intelligent people, it's one of the reasons I choose to talk to them. It's the ones I don't choose that bother me. No... I don't mean family.

I don't know why right wing nuts like me. I don't mean republican or conservative, I mean the far right nuts that the republicans are ashamed to admit. There's the tea party and then there's these guys. For some reason, they all think Luke is their buddy. Even after they find out I'm a democrat... they tell me, "But you're not one of those 'everyone should be treated equally' democrats." That statement alone had me biting my tongue like you wouldn't believe, and if I wasn't at work... yeah...

The biggest culprit is a regular customer, but he thinks I'm his best buddy. He used to come in a few days, grab his stuff and leave. Then at the start of the year, he started just hanging out in the store. Coming in and getting his coffee and then talking to people. He owns the building right behind my store and runs a computer repair shop there, he drums up a lot of business by talking to my customers. He's also the one that found me when I tore out my MCL in February. So there's a guilt aspect here too.

At first, he was fine, we'd bullshit about local events, discuss favorite episodes of Family Guy. Then he started bringing up school. Now this high and mighty man has earned his associate's from NIACC in computer science. Now I do not criticize people for getting their degrees, or even just associate's. But he rides this accomplishment like it is the best anyone could do. Dude... you have an associate's in a field most people consider the minimum degree to be considered knowledgeable is a bachelor's. But whatever, just breathe, Luke, just breathe...

Then came the comments. "Your computer setup is shit." "If I set this place up it would run so much better." "Your IT guys are complete morons." Ok buddy boy... first off, you have no idea what the computer requirements are to run a gas station (he felt it should all be one computer instead of two separate ones controlling the gas and the registers) Secondly, these "dumb" IT people have managed to build and maintain a system in which over 1700 stores across 11 states manage to communicate. In the entire 4 years I've been with Casey's, I can think of only one time we had a network glitch, which was solved in a few hours, and even that was a local satellite problem. Besides, Casey's hires a minimum bachelor's degree for that area, so good luck arguing with your own logic...

Since he runs his own computer repair business and charges people 60 bucks an hour to fix their stuff, he also believes he knows what is required to run a business. Dude... you don't have a fucking clue. You own your own business which rarely has to purchase merchandise. You are its sole employee. You have 0 grasp of gross vs net profit. You don't do inventory control, you don't have to worry about profit margins, since you run the business out of your own apartment building, you combine your expenses with your housing expenses, you yourself have told me you don't factor it in your income taxes properly, and since you don't have to worry about paying other people, you don't have to grasp payroll and the taxes included with that, and my absolute personal favorite, you have absolutely 0 management skills.

But he's a customer so I just laugh and smile when he talks about how he knows how to run a business. The basic smile and nod treatment. Then... a couple of weeks ago...

"I remember when my kids were little and that teletubbies show came on." Ok yeah... we all remember that show even when we wish we didn't. "Then I heard about that tinky winky one, the gay one, I banned my kids from ever watching that show. No kids show should be discussing that stuff, it's just not right."

Now at this point, I'm thinking that I'm really not going to like how this conversation goes. He might just imply that homosexual discussion is of a sexual nature and shouldn't be discussed until a child is mature enough to handle those kind of discussions or he's going to... oh you're not done talking yet? Ok here's your chance to redeem...

"I watch those decorating shows," (yet you're against homosexuals... ok) "and they sometimes go to remodel the house of some gay couple, and I turn off the TV. That shit ain't right man, it's in the fucking bible and I don't care what anyone says, it just ain't fucking right."

I felt the blood pumping. My brain instantly went into debate mode, but... I'm at work and he's my customer. Customer service 101: don't get into a political or religious debate. So I bite my tongue. He doesn't.

"I am a christian through and through and I'm sorry, but if Jesus were here, he'd fucking kill off all the gays with a snap of his finger."

My mind instantly pulled out a bunch of responses. I could tell this tattooed man on his second marriage that technically speaking, the Bible also forbids tattoos and divorce, and that such "rules" are not followed by many mainstream Christians due to the idea that such laws are without moral grounds, or outdated. Well... I of course don't... but damn... he thinks he's a high and mighty debater and his arguments are full of holes I'd love to expose... just to shut him the fuck up.

Then today he finds out I'm a democrat, but adds, "But you're not one of those 'equal treatment for all, everybody has rights' kind of democrats," Does anyone know how to shut this guy up without losing my job?

...I'm losing too much blood through my tongue...