My knee hurts. Unlike the previous dislocations, this pain isn't going away. I'm not healing anymore. In fact, it feels like I'm actually getting worse. So when my parents needed help moving a chair out of their house, I was reluctant. I gave them a hand, and we were off to Klemme... I hate going to Klemme. Every time I set foot in those city limits (although you could hardly call Klemme a city), I feel like my soul goes through unimaginable torment. Klemme has this... aura of failure to me. Much like Morningside, it represents a chapter of my life where I feel I failed at something important. This time... there was a sign for a candidate for US senate, representing Iowa. Yup... Sam Clovis. So now on the way to Klemme, we add a little flare of Morningside, just to cement that feeling of failure. Then I get to that house...
If I were to die and my soul drawn to a place of torment to haunt for all eternity, it would either be that house, or some building on Morningside. Here's the thing with that house, it represents the future I wanted but will never have. It represents the part of me still screaming to love life. It represents the artistic side of me, the part that wants to write music, be a stand up, tell stories, listen to music. The part of me that used to define me... that I have removed. I don't write anymore, I don't compose anymore, and the only times I make people laugh is when it is good for business. But there's one more thing about this house and what it represents, it is the core of why Klemme drains my soul every time I see it. This building represents the first step on a life I was going to build with someone, only to have it shatter. They weren't happy, and I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, I let them leave me so they could be happier. I made that decision out of the purest love I have felt, but that was later twisted and poisoned when I found out that the same love was not so pure on the other side, to the point of making arrangements with other men while we were still together. That house stands as a beacon to my stupidity, to believe that anyone could understand me, or love me, or feel that I was their one and only. It stands to mock me. Its walls represent the prison I freed myself from when I realized that no one will treat me that way. No one will ever have that same pure love for me. Many will claim they do, some have even almost had me convinced, until things hit a rocky patch, then everything falls apart. They either get completely distant and things get worse, or they feed off the drama, and they keep bringing it back so we never move on. This poisons my soul. That's what this house is. It's a constant reminder that my life has never had the same impact on people that they've had on mine. I'm the guy that helps you through your crisis, I'm the eternal rebound, until you get over your ex, then you run off with someone else. That's what this house represents.
Recently, several people have needed my help. A couple of them have shattered my heart before, but I opened it and helped them anyway. I knew it would be painful, but I had no idea how bad... It has torn me apart, my soul is set ablaze. That same love and compassion I pulled from to help them is caught in my throat and it's choking me. There's a new voice, begging me to do whatever it takes to cause them the same pain they caused me. It begs for vengeance. I keep telling myself that the pain should not change who I am. I know that being there for everyone is not easy, that it will drain me and I may not always have people when I need them. I keep saying that it doesn't matter, that helping them when they need it is the right thing to do. But that other voice that wants me to at the very least just shut down and stop talking to people... it's gotten so strong lately. It's deafening.
People ask me why I've decided to study business instead of the other pursuits I've done in the past. That's simple, I'm turning my back on them. I tried composing music last week, I can't seem to feel anything other than depressing progressions. I go to my old file of music I've composed for people I've cared about, only to be betrayed and rework the harmonies into some kind of twisted mutant. I find too much satisfaction with them, I feel like I've lost my ability to forgive. That positive outlook on life is fading too fast. Some people say I've sold my soul to the dollar by going into business. Maybe they're right...
I look back at my life and realize this house represents something else. I remember standing in these walls shortly after I got my promotion. I remember wondering if I would have gotten it if I was still involved with some people. People have pointed out that I applied for several promotions and only got one when I wasn't with her anymore. I remember feeling incredibly angry at such accusations. I remember losing some friends defending her to them. Now as I stand in these walls, there's a strange feeling inside of me. Part of me is proud for standing by my friend, but another part asks if it was worth it, to do what is right even though I'll get nothing for it.
Since I became manager, I've sacrificed a lot. People don't realize what I've given up for this company and my store in particular. I've given up going to weddings, funerals, church functions, social events, all for my career. I gave up going on a mission trip because my store would need me during that time. Even the few romantic relationships I've started since taking over my store have all failed for various reasons, but more times than not, it's because the time I've spent at my store. Now I feel like I'm at a crossroads... do I go down the path and sacrifice even more for my career, or do I walk down another path and try to take back some of the things I've given up on.
Look to the right... Look to the left... take a deep breath... and a first step in the direction of..............................................................................
