The Craving I've Never Satisfied.

It might be the painkillers... they've always affected me differently than other people. It might be me being stuck in a house for at least 2 weeks. Maybe the story I've been trying to work out is creeping into my mind. Maybe I'm going insane. Whatever the reason, I've discovered a need in my soul that really hasn't been fed.

Adventure

I think that's why I signed up for that mission trip. Sadly, I had to cancel my participation in this trip due to my assistant manager taking her vacation the same time, (she had the lot booked for over a year... so I didn't have the heart to pull rank on this minor issue). But today, I discovered a profile that had a phone number on it. In fact it kind of dared you to contact it. So I found myself unable to resist the unknown and texted... we'll call her Jenny (for my music friends). We only exchanged maybe a dozen messages, but it was still fun. It was something outside my usual routine and comfort zone. I loved it.

It led me to realize something my life has been missing for quite a while... if it ever had it to begin with. I want that sense of adventure again. I look back at my life... and I realize I'm going to have many regrets if I don't change something quick. I went to a college less than 30 miles from my high school. I did have that adventure to Europe in college, so that's something, and a mistake when adding someone to windows messenger led to one of my favorite random friends... who lives in London. I guess that's something. I look back at my previous relationships. The only one that even came close to any sense of random adventure was that time Amanda and I decided in one afternoon to take a random trip to Sioux City. I actually had more fun with her on that trip than I did most of the time I was dating her, no fault on either our parts, that's just how it goes.

So now I find myself... thinking of random adventures I'd like to go on when I find that special someone. This also kind of alters the type of girl I'm looking for. The kind, smart, but meek girl... doesn't really seem attractive to me anymore. I mean I still look for kindness and intelligence and all that stuff... but now I want adventurous. I want someone who will decide how much gas/food/money/days off we are willing to spare, then go off in some direction until we've used half of it, just to see what we see. I want us to randomly pick numbers, then use those numbers on an atlas to find page number and map grid... then go to the closest city. I want to take her to a small town with a local cafe, then sit at a table with a sign saying "We want to get to know you, please join us and talk to us."

One of my dear friends introduced me to Humans of New York. This is truly an amazing thing. The thing I love is, not everyone has some profound or meaningful thing to say. Some of it is just silly, some just... wtf? But the thing I love? It's real people. People going about their lives, going to their jobs, meeting new friends, hanging out with old friends. It makes me realize how interesting this little blue marble is. I want to see it. I want someone who is willing to see it with me.

I'm still trying to work on stories and my stand up act... don't tell my mother, she thinks I've given it up, when really I just want to do it at my own pace. It's something that pushes me, that stretches me. If my knee doesn't heal... it really will push me hard. But it's something exciting...

I want adventure... Carpe Diem!!!

Please Stop... Your Ignorance is Painful...

Ok... as many of you know, I've started making the online dating rounds. It can be rather difficult to meet someone when your whole life is spent running a convenience store (or having to keep your leg elevated because you blew out your knee... like these 2 weeks). I did this hoping I might find a few people who at the very least would be new friends. Well there are a few that I've actually enjoyed talking to, some I've kind of clicked with (nothing serious though, thank God). So I figured I am having the time of my life talking to people... lately life has a way of waiting until I'm confident, then BAM!

I was talking to one on a certain christian dating site... and of course that lovely issue of gay marriage comes up. Now I am actually not happy discussing this with people, not because I'm ashamed of my views, but because I consider it an obvious thing. It's like debating if blacks should be slaves again. Ummm... do I really have to answer that? So I state my view that homosexual marriage is not an abomination, and if gays want to marry, we should let them.

Oh. Dear. God.

First came the Bible quotes. Now if you guys know me, you know that Bible thumping will not get you anywhere with me. You can throw all the Old testament you want at me... it won't change my mind and will simply make me lose respect for you. Congrats, you are demonstrating the exact behavior Jesus had to go up against. You pray loudly so all may hear you. You preach the letter of the law at the expense of the spirit of the law. Go ahead, use the Bible, a book intended to profess love and acceptance of all people, to profess your hate and disgust at a group of people. Next you can use Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham to profess the horrors of trying new things, and explain that we should never expand our horizons.

Next came the attempts at a logical, philosophical argument on the ethics of gay marriage.

...................

Try me.

....................

Then finally... one final stab at hitting my emotional responses. "If you can't imagine two gays making love without it disgusting you, you can't be for it."

This is by far the most interesting attempt I've ever experienced. I could write a whole blog just about my own little crisis with this argument... but here's the thing. It's very premise is flawed. If something disgusts you, it must be wrong.

Picture your parents creating you.

I'm guessing most of you either didn't picture it because... ew... the rest... ew...

If that doesn't work... your grandparents making your parents.

Somewhere down this line... you have to feel kind of disgusted... but if it weren't for these acts, you would never exist. So if it's wrong, your very existence is wrong.

Then she blocked me. My only regret is that I didn't get to block her first.

Becoming What We Despise (Don't Blame Arizona)

Many of you know elements of my personal life. Many of you know that I joke about how much better my life would have been without the state of Arizona. Now that half my friends who even have a passing connection to AZ have stopped reading this, I'll use a disclaimer. I do not believe the people of Arizona have a secret plot to make my life more difficult, but it seems like a lot of negativity seems to come to me from people from that state (keep reading, it gets better I assure you).

First, I lost a couple of my best friends over something as stupid as an election. In 2008, Obama ran against McCain, a senator from AZ. As many of you know, I supported (still do... to a lesser extent) Obama. Well some of these friends ended the friendship simply because they couldn't be friends with someone who didn't support McCain. I found their choice of wording interesting, it wasn't that I supported Obama, but that I didn't support McCain. Now folks, I have cousins who are my exact opposite in political terms. The only things they agree with the democrats on are the things I disagree with them on, etc. Now if politics is ever brought up on facebook or at a family get-together, we might get angry with one another, maybe even stop talking the rest of the night. But folks, at the end of the day, we realize we're still cousins. We may disagree, but we're family... it happens. So this one took me off guard.

Then came Amanda. Now those of you who know this story understand, but suffice it to say, the last few months did not go well, then when she returned to her home state of Arizona, what little was left fell apart. Granted we did try, but still. Now her best friend did suggest the idea of her return to AZ, and I know her family didn't really hate the idea, but is the distance and the people of AZ to blame? How about my assistant when I first started managing my store. He was an AZ native who wasn't exactly the greatest of assistants, but he wasn't god awful. We did find some common ground when his ex (also from that lovely state) destroyed his heart, so we used to joke about AZ women. How about the law that was recently declared unconstitutional that allowed law makers to pull over vehicles they believed had illegal immigrants... for no reason other than that belief.

Now that I've lost all the AZ readers, I do want to take this time to mention it is an alarming coincidence how many people have brought negativity to my life from that lovely state, but I in no way blame the state or its people. It's like the statistic that red cars are pulled over more often than other colors, that doesn't mean that red cars are unsafe. I bring this up so people realize that I might joke that Arizona is a source of much suffering, but I don't believe it. Which brings me to an interesting argument.

Recently, Arizona legislators have begun the process to pass a law that is now being referred to as the "turn away the gay" law. In essence, the law allows AZ business owners to refuse service to people who violate their religious beliefs. Now a discussion on freedom of religion or separation of church and state would take someone with much more time than me, so I'm not going to debate those points. I'm not going to debate the references to segregation and not allowing people of color to sit at the counter. I am going to discuss how appalling this is. Not the law, but how people have reacted to it.

Now let's get one thing straight, you all know I am in full support of equal rights for the LGBT community. So I want to make it clear that I find this law horrible... almost as horrible as the outcry against it. Now I see some people who are protesting it correctly. But there are others... I have some friends who yell out against the state and all its inhabitants. Now come on... how many of us agree with EVERY SINGLE law our state has passed, much less debated. Do not punish the whole state for something their legislators are doing. I am about to say something I've never before thought I'd say... George Takei, don't be a biggot. There are business owners in AZ who now face the issue of living in a state they don't agree with, but being boycotted by it.  I run a convenience store with diesel fuel... in the home town of Winnebago. Every summer Winnebago holds a big event for the members of its club. How do you join? by simply owning a Winnebago RV. Needless to say Forest City gets incredibly busy as people from all over come to our tiny little town. Now... what if the Iowa government passed some horrible law and everyone boycotted our little state. We'd lose that, I'd lose that, and possibly my job. Even if I completely disagreed with the law.

Now I won't get in to the idea of representative politics, because no matter what, you'd still be punishing the business owner for the simple fact he lives in those borders. I understand your thoughts. I used to boycott Chik-fil-a because its CEO is not a decent person. But who am I harming? The poor college student working the grill on the weekends so he can afford to get his education and make the world better. The manager who's trying to run a successful business and take care of 3 kids because his wife up and left him for their marriage counselor. The cashier who's just found out she's pregnant and her husband just had a car accident, but she won't find that out until after work because cell phones are against company policy.

If you're in AZ, and you come across a business actually turning away gays, I urge you to leave and find somewhere else to go. Some businesses have even come up with a humorous, turn away the legislators spin on the law. But when you condemn the whole for the idiocy of some of its parts, even the majority, you are becoming worse than the idiots you fight against. Don't boycott the whole state, please. Arizona is as diverse as any other state, so please focus your attacks. I still have friends there who hate this law as much as you do. Don't hurt them, please.

A Chance to Grow

I am forever thankful that I live in Forest City.

Let me explain. I used to pride myself in being outgoing. Every year in college I tried to welcome the new freshmen as best I could and really get to know them. After college though... I started feeling depressed. While I was living in Ames and working at the pawnshop, I actually regressed into a hermit. I would pass up invitations from my coworkers to hang out, something I still regret to this day. My whole social life consisted of the small group of people I'd see at the pawnshop, customer or employee. I started feeling completely alone, yet I didn't want to change it. It was killing me. After I moved, I figured maybe I'll be able to fix myself. Surely where I move to will have lots of friends for me!

Garner and I... well we have issues. Don't get me wrong, there are many great people that live in this town... but there's this attitude in the air... this... conceited attitude. You can almost smell the arrogance in the air. It overwhelms you so you don't notice the jewels that it truly does have.  It is here I vowed to try and reverse my loner ways, and I did slowly make progress... but eventually it got even worse. I can't breathe as an introvert. But for some reason... I just didn't want to make a connection with anyone in Garner. I didn't want to become friends with them... One of the local factories had employees that came to the store I worked at and made me feel like scum. They treated me like dirt. They were factory workers in a town they felt would die without their factory, thus I should bow down to them. I was some lowly convenience store worker, not worth the effort it would take to spit on. Now it's not fair to say everyone was that way, or even everyone from the same factory. But listen to this, one guy from said factory came in drunk and started causing a scene, one of the employees felt threatened when he grabbed her, so naturally the boys in blue were called. Because the police took the worker in to jail for the night, our store had a boycott from some members of the same factory... sigh... Every shift at that store started to wear thin... then I got stuck with overnights and donuts... then I wound up working every shift possible at least once a week. My body didn't know when to sleep... essentially... my soul was dying.

I go into detail so much with Garner so you may understand how close I was to giving up. My social life hit rock bottom, I called out for support and got rejection. I kept reaching to move up, but was always shot down, which made me wonder if I truly mattered to anyone. When my life started to lose focus and meaning, I went to my then girlfriend for support, and when I got less than I wanted, I lashed out and lost her. Every so often I still feel a small twinge of pain over that. Thankfully I've moved past it since, but at that time... it felt like everything was falling apart. As my insomnia came back (thanks in no small part to the most irregular work schedule ever created), I actually did contemplate ending it. My mental strength was all but gone, I felt like my life had peaked, like there was nothing left but a useless husk...

Then I remembered one day while I was working at Fareway. A small autistic boy was with his mother buying groceries. I was putting the groceries in her car when the boy grabbed my arm. He looked me deep in the eyes and said "you're meant for something more." It's amazing how your subconscious knows when you're about to destroy yourself, because it forced that memory on me. I wept for a long time, hours in fact. I decided to keep pushing. As the schedule kept beating me down, I kept feeling weaker and weaker. But I remembered that boy, and I pushed forward, sometimes due to nothing more than simple curiosity. Somehow... I made it another month... then two... and just as I was beginning to lose hope again... I got a phone call from my manager.

About half a year before this, Kum and Go had changed their business model. They wanted to keep stores only near major traffic routes, so they sold an additional forty-some stores to Casey's. There was a Kum and Go two blocks from the Casey's in Forest City, but it was a package deal, so Casey's now had two stores very close together (some towns they were right across the street.) The size of this Kum and Go prevented them from adding a kitchen without extensive remodeling (read: demolish and rebuild), but Casey's kept it going. Now this store has been having as much luck keeping managers as Hogwarts keeps defense against the dark arts teachers. Most recently, my manager had been training the new one, and after the training sent the new manager to her new store. A week later my manager informs us she has to go "retrain" this woman on Monday. Actually... she was there to fill in as the new manager was let go...

So here comes a phone call. "Hey Luke, are you still interested in a management position with Casey's?"
"Sure, what did you have in mind?" She explained the situation of the new manager being dismissed. I figured they were finally going to promote their assistant and I'd be up for the assistant manager's job.
"Well we figure without a kitchen to worry about, this is a perfect starter store to test out a potential manager's skills."
"So you'd promote Kyle and I'd take his job?"
"No... actually the open position is for taking over the store."
"Oh... OH!... Ok..."
"The catch is... you have to live in Forest City."

Well after filling out a application and landing an interview, I got the call in mid July that as of the 22nd of that month, the store would be mine. Let me tell you something... that was a GIANT boost to my confidence. But also, upon moving to Forest City, I've discovered something...

I wrote in my last blog (or note if you're reading this on fb), about how much I love my customers. How much happier I am working at this store than my last. But let me take that a step further. Forest City may not have everything, but one thing it is definitely not lacking in, is great people. I have people who come in and have their morning coffee with me. I mean that, they will stay for 20 minutes and talk to me while drinking their coffee and watching me work. I remember as a kid, we'd go to a grocery store and Dad would see someone he knew and would strike up a conversation with them, and I always wondered if I'd ever know enough people to do that. Well I go to Bill's or Shopko, and a lot of times, I will see someone I know. We'll talk and it won't be talking to me as the manager of one of the Casey's. They talk to me as a person. After I gave the subway here a 2nd try, they made my tuna sub perfectly. Not only that, but if I know the person working, odds are they're aware that they're going to make a tuna sub, and they're going to do it in a way they've never done it before as I've got 7 different varieties. (I still recommend adding marinara if you haven't tried it... but also try sriracha). I show up at shooters for their pasta bar on tuesday, and several waitresses come out of their way to talk to me. It's not that I'm special, it's that their just that friendly.

The only reason I come to Garner is my choir. I do truly enjoy directing the choir, but I'm beginning to have doubts. Part of me really wants to resign and go to church in Forest City. Again, don't misunderstand me. The Garner UMC is full of truly great and friendly people. There's just... I am beginning to feel that perhaps I need to not go to the church of which my father is the pastor. I need to leave Garner in the past. I feel like Forest City is giving me the best chance to grow I've had to college, and this time I'm not so stupid to let that go. I am unsure of where to go from here... I still wish I had that crystal ball...