Ok... my bills have skyrocketed thus putting me in an even worse financial situation than I was before my promotion... does that make sense to anyone else? My social life has hit an all time low. I have very little to look forward to each day. And yet...
One of my best friends gave me a gift a couple weeks ago. A rosary. Now many of you know my views on Catholicism... but she told me to keep an open mind. Now I'm not going to convert to a Catholic or anything... but this actually did help. It reminded me how important it is to have faith in something. So I started writing music and stories and things for laughs again. You know, the stuff I wanted to do with my life... before life got in the way. Then it hit me. If certain things in my life didn't change recently, I'd never rekindle my faith. Heck, I'd probably at some point turn my back on it entirely. I realized that I was about to give it up... for something shallow and temporary. This is the second time my faith has been tested in this way... and it shall be the last.
You know what's good about trying to work in the arts? It's great therapy. I took one of my older compositions that I was going to write for someone, and I made it fit my current emotional state. I don't even recognize the original piece. There's another piece people are trying to pressure me to twist like that. I haven't even taken it off my hard drive since May... and I'm not sure I'm ready to twist that one just yet... give me a couple more weeks, especially if things progress the way they have been.
It amazes me how close I came to giving up something eternal for something temporary. Oh you might argue that the temporary thing may have lasted if we tried harder... but again, I am becoming amazed it lasted as long as it did. (lesson one folks, don't go behind my back to your friends, I ALWAYS find out, they're hardly that complicated.) Friends have pointed out that in these endeavors, I have never found someone willing to put up the same kind of fight for me that I do for them. Hell most of them wound up fighting harder for a previous ex that treated them like shit. Thus again, it seems I have a history of settling for less than I deserve, so that needs to end... right now.
All these things make me realize that I'm actually pretty awesome. I've got great friends who will stick by me no matter what distance separates me. All it takes is the thought that someone out there is actually willing to talk to you when you need them. I've put things behind me. I've put people behind me who seem to exist merely to poison my soul. My dreams are back on the table, and you're going to have to be pretty amazing to make me include you with them.
I deserve way better than I've gotten in the past.
