A Controlled Vent

Ok, this is a vent blog. If anyone gets offended by it, well too fucking bad. I'm done catering to other people who don't even seem to care that much about me. If me venting is all it takes to end a friendship, then I guess I never really mattered to you that much anyway. Besides, if you're angry about what I post, maybe it's because you know I'm right... you should probably examine that side first before you come hounding down my door with your rage as if it's going to control me.

Ok, first of all... if you're not involved with someone, DON'T TRY TO FUCKING SABOTAGE IT!!! If you just don't like someone's significant other, don't spend all your time trying to break them up. If you are jealous and want to be with someone, then don't try to keep them single until you can get to them. These are the lowest forms of life. I started dating a girl and the first thing that happened was her ex sent me texts attempting to derail the whole thing. Who the fuck do you think you are?!  I mean, it's one thing if you think the person is dangerous or something, but if you just don't like them for some reason, TOO FUCKING BAD! So when I vent to you about difficulties with someone I'm dating, and I trust you with specifics, don't then come back to me and try to convince me they're a horrible girlfriend! And if they wind up shattering my heart in the end, don't... you... DARE... say... I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like no one gives a damn about me anymore. People who used to say that they would never let our friendship die don't ever talk to me anymore. They ignore me. But gee, do something that makes them mad, and suddenly they're incredibly talkative. Why is it that the only way people seem to acknowledge my existence is if they feel threatened or hurt by me. Oh, Luke's talking to me, meh whatever, wait... He said WHAT about me?! *sends more texts to luke in 10 minutes than the past 3 months* This has happened with three people the past 2 weeks. And while I haven't told them about the others, maybe if I inform them, they might back the fuck off... or at least cut me some fucking slack. Here's the dumb part, the first time was the only time it was justified. It was a blog specifically about my issues with our past. The second time... it had absolutely nothing to do with the person that felt I attacked them. (made me wonder what they did to me that I didn't know about.) and the third one? It was a vent blog I wrote when I discovered another friend and I had similar issues with women from our past. Each of them just came out of nowhere. I mean come on, you people haven't talked to me that much in forever, but oh geez, suddenly i'm the first name in your chat list or something? Here's the really dumb part, It was on 3 separate blogs, ONE OF WHICH WAS A BLOG JUST BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE PERSON WHO ATTACKED ME. Yet they all had a fit that I did it where other people could see it, so I took it down... all three of them also wrote facebook notes or blogs themselves about me... yet those very public blogs stay standing. So before anyone asks, I don't care what you say, THIS ONE STAYS UP.

I have come to the conclusion that people view me as a tissue. When life has them down or beaten, I'm right there and they appreciate it. But as soon as they're ok, they don't need me anymore, so they throw me away. I mean people... When you don't have a need for me so you stop talking to me, but then keep telling me that we're good friends and will be that way forever... but you act like I'm nothing but a bother to you when I do talk to you... what does that mean? I can not count how many people have been hurt or feeling down, so I do what I used to think was the right thing to do, and I'd help them. They're my friends after all. I did care once. And suddenly we're all joking and having a good time, and they start picking up the pieces and move on... then something happens to me and I need to have some support... and I get nothing. At one point quite a while ago, I was feeling really unappreciated and like life was beating me down. So I went to the girl I was dating at the time and just wanted to feel like I mattered to somebody. She fucking ignored me... when I was there for her during God knows what. I mean, helping her deal with her anxiety because her ex raped her years before we even met, that is apparently easy compared to just a few reassuring texts... Now I hear some of you scrambling to disagree, and I'm sure both my blogger accounts will send me emails about people commenting or something. Truth is, this is how I feel, and every time I think I'm gonna feel different... that's when the tissue gets thrown away.

There have been people I have loved. But each time, inevitably, it ends. We go through the exact same cycle I could almost ignore the texts or emails and tell you exactly how the formula works. By the time the next one comes around, I'll even have a timeframe so I can have a schedule. Each time, that love I felt slowly turns into a poison. Eventually it becomes so overwhelmingly potent that I have a mental breakdown. Maybe this time I'll actually get some help from some head doctors. There was one time it actually did work though. One time my heart got completely shattered, our emotions got frayed, there was definitely a poison running through me... but then... we started supporting each other again. We started joking around with each other. Suddenly we were close friends again. Our friendship got broken, but it came back as something stronger. This is the one friendship against which all others are measured. I have yet to find one that measures up. Or sure I've thought I found one here or there, but when the friendship actually gets tested... it dies. That isn't to say I don't have any friends. It's just that I don't think I've found a friendship that strong since. Which is weird because the romantic relationship was a disaster.

Finally, if you see yourself in any of these vents... please understand something. I don't care. I do try to make these somewhat anonymous. When you feel hurt because elements of this blog feels like it's about you, (or any other for that matter) perhaps you should first see something. If you see yourself in one of my vents, clearly you've done something to hurt me. So before you come to me with your sanctimony and so called hurt feelings, understand that while I will try to work through things to put a band-aid on our friendship, in the end all I did was write my feelings, you're the one that made me feel that way. In some instances, the blog may not even be about you, so you coming down on me about it just points out that you hurt me in more ways than I knew.

If you object because it's so public, again I do try to keep it anonymous. And if things are obviously about one person, realize that the only ones who know my situation enough to realize it is about that person are probably ones that already know anyway. I mean, are you showing this blog to someone who doesn't know me that well? Trust me... don't do it. It has happened once before. I had an ex show my blog to her best friend, and was even so freaking heartless as to show her notes that I would write and leave in her locker when we first started dating (i'm a hopeless romantic, I know) as justification for "See? he's a clingy boyfriend because he wrote me a note when we first started dating saying 'I'll love you forever'" Now I mean, it takes a special kind of heartless bitch to use notes like that (for those of you who know me best, it's the girl I tell people was my worst girlfriend, and after rethinking that point, conclude she still is), but karma kinda found her later. She figured she'd show her best friend my blog post I posted that morning. It was about being lonely. She hoped to justify her clingy point further... what she didn't know is just before that, I posted a blog about cheaters... and how a certain ex of mine once had a fling with a guy while he was dating her best friend. Now anyone who could pick up on who I was talking about already knew about it... except for the best friend. And I'll admit... the resulting fight was great punishment, especially after I found out about the notes thing.

Before I post I just realized one thing I better clear up. I know some other of my exes have shown notes to people. Heck, one ex whose friendship with me is just shaky (again... only one has ever successfully made it so I better make sure she knows I'm ok with this) showed me that she put them in some journal thing she shares with her best friend (cool idea btw). The difference is why they're being used. If you're showing your friends some love letters I wrote you as a memory or something like that, that's fine. But... if you ever want to make me hate you with every fiber of my being, use them to mock me. If you show someone a love note I wrote you when we just started dating, realize I go for incredible amounts of sappiness. I'm trying to make this person I'm starting things with to smile, to feel that I am willing to try through the hard times we might run into. So I'll say stuff like "I'll love you forever," or "Our love will never die," I think one time I even talked about marriage... ah the honeymoon stage. So when someone uses them to mock me. When they show them to their friends and say "Oh wow, what a psycho," or "He's clingy." or my personal favorite, "This is why I had to flirt with some other guy." it just causes me to just... soak in rage. So don't think I'm mad at you if you just showed them to your friend, that's fine. I do that with some of the love letters you guys wrote me. I've got a deck of playing cards and an alphabet one that someone put a lot of thought and work into, for example. Just hope I never hear about you using them against me... that means you, Seahorse :-P

You Didn't Get Your Expensive Vacation? Oh, How Bad for You!

I grow weary of people. I look around me and I see so many self-centered, arrogant people. Don't get me wrong, I know we all are trying to scrape by the best existence we can for ourselves. Lately, however, all I seem to observe is a blatant disregard for the lives of others, almost to the point of being malicious in some cases. People who talk to me of their own code of ethics... but fail horribly when it counts. If you talk to me of your code of being honest at all costs, but then want me to lie if it will affect your pocketbook... well you're just a fucking hypocrite. Is there any hope for us at all?

Recently there was a massive storm system that went through tornado alley. The system stretched from Oklahoma to Missouri and carried several tornadoes. Now I am the first to admit that sometimes my thoughts turn to myself before others... but the response to this storm system was appalling. My facebook erupted with pictures and statuses about the storm. Now some were pictures of flooding, or discussing how you were without power. These by themselves are fine, we are simply describing our own situation, sharing what is going on with us, which is the only subject we are the absolute source. But some reactions... I had some people talk about how they had plans this past weekend, and how their life is so horrible because of this storm and the minor inconvenience. Now let me explain the difference. One simply shows the facts, flooding, power outages, scared children, etc. The people who posted these types of things were actually very calm, some even pointed out that as bad as it was for them, it was worse elsewhere. It's when you attach subjective terms and try to gather some sympathy that I lose all (and I mean ALL) respect from me.

Several of you were traveling this weekend, and with the storm, flights were delayed. (duh) Some of you posted status updates about travel delays, so plans will have to be canceled, but you did it in an almost "it could be worse" attitude. "Won't get to see my grandmother this weekend, I guess skype will have to do." For starters, kudos on having a grandmother who can use skype. Secondly, you acknowledge the problem you have with the storm, but in a way that suggests your life has not ended because of it. This is fine. Others however... I had some people say it was their worse weekend ever, one couple commented that it was the worst anniversary in the history of the world because they couldn't get a flight out to California for some "much needed beach time." I had several friends who had birthdays, some actually got into an argument with a friend of mine because this past weekend was the worst birthday in the history of birthdays. Why? Because they had plans and the storm caused their flights to be delayed or canceled, so no one could have ever had a worse birthday than they did last weekend. The friend they were arguing with has a September 11th birthday... but you know, what's a tragedy where several thousand people died compared to you not making a flight?

Let me point something out to that second group of people, the ones who are so self-centered, you view this storm as God being mean to you and making you miss your chance to hit your vacation destination (seriously that was one of the statuses I saw). When last I checked, 9 people lost their lives to this storm, many more lost their homes. Travel was delayed several places because the damage to the cities was too extensive for safe travel. Yet you are angry because you were stuck in some city for an extra day. Who the fuck do you think you are?!

I could go on and on and on about all the things I see about people that irritate or disturb me. Maybe I will over the course of the next few days. But for now, this will have to do.